THE SCENARIO

A thin man with an outrageous mustache wrinkled his nose at me and took my order. Coffee and a muffin, that's what I wanted. "Crossant" he corrected me. The volume on the TV seemed to be climbing. Sure, whatever, I said. Just gimme what I want.

Ten minutes passed while I waited. Then the man seemed to notice me again and produced a lukewarm cup of tea and a hard crust of bread. I began to get angry, but pushed the rage down. I would save my rage for the criminals deserving it.

I went to grab a chair, but the man quickly moved to intercept me. He said it would cost more if I wished to sit down. A lot more. He thought I paid for standing room.

Almost... Almost I reached out and strangled him. But the rage, I pushed it down. The patrons laughed as dubbed Jerry Lewis sliced like a razor through my brain. Or were they laughing at me? Perhaps I was the joke in here today.

The waiter looked smug as I stood drinking the crap he'd given me. I began to sweat with fury under my trench coat. Then I heard the people whispering in their way. whispering about me. And the two waitresses doing nothing behind the counter were whispering about me. About a big, dirty American who was too stupid to know he was being supremely insulted. Too bad for them I speak a little French.

And as I looked at that miserable little slice of bread, I knew I was being ripped off. A crime was being commited right here, right now. And it wasn't just these people in the cafe ripping me off. It was the whole damn system which spawned it. Something snapped and I knew I would have to punish the system. France Must Pay. They all stopped laughing when I drew my gun. Coffee, I barked. And a MUFFIN!

Join us now for a battle we had to call...

THE SPORTS BOX

Callisto:   We are live in beautiful Paris, France. We have quite a match-up for you today as Punisher, a one man army, takes on the entire country of France. Hello and Welcome, I am goddess Callisto, and on my left, it's clown girl.

Quinn:   Ya' know, Cally, I just can't get over this whole Joan of Arc thing. She was beautiful, corageous, smart...

Callisto:   ... and she was burned at the stake after her brilliant campaign to save the French nation.

Quinn:   Yeah! Buncha' ingrates! Joan of Arc is my idol. Did you see her in the Bill 'n Ted's Excellent Adventure? She rocked! I can't get over this thing.

Callisto:   Ooookay. Well, let's see what the folks at home are saying about this week's battle.

YOUR OPINIONS

Favorite letter of the Week

Scott G. writes:

Now this fight is going to be a blowout. After so many heroing close fights recently (except for CBUB's short coffee break), a one-sided pounding should be a fun change.

Almost no one is going to vote for a large, ambigious nation over a popular, familiar, individual personality with many guns and good hair.

What does France have going for it? It hasn't had a strong leader since General DeGaul, the economy is bogged down, the forrests are almost nonexistant due to recent storms, and much of the military is away on UN & NATO Peacekeeping missions. France does seem to have the bomb, but that won't be of much use in this type of fight. Furthermore, the country's relatively impressive navy and air force will have great difficulty targetting a single human opponent hidden deep within an urban battlefield. This fight will be a gritty up-close infantry match, and that is where France is characteristically considered to be week. Let's face it. If it weren't for the fact that France was surrounded by water and two sides and Spain on a third, it would probably be occupied by a foreign power right now.

Frank Castle, however, is exactly the type of personality who can recognize and exploit these weaknesses. He's ruthless, oppertunistic, patient, and thorough. Those who have read the one-shot story, "The Punisher Kills the Marvel Universe," know very well what this one man is capable of doing given the time, information, and opportunity to hunt select targets one at a time. If he could take out every major super-human in Marvel, then your average Frenchie should be almost easy.

Of course, it only takes one lucky shot by a rookie Parisian street cop to bring down anyone. That just isn't going to happen in this case for two reasons. First, Frank is going to win the votes. Secondly, it would be a very anti-climatic end to an otherwise interesting bout.

I suspect that Frank will wisely *not* shoot up the cafe but instead dissappear into the night while attracting minimum attention to himself from the authorities. He'll then spend a week or so scouting his targets and developing his strategy. Finally, he'll commense with the systematic assassins of a dozen political and finacial leaders. Finally, the Punisher will deliver his coup de'ta. By use of a large number of synchronized, radio controlled demolitions, Frank will simultaniously bring down the Eiffel Tower, Notredame Cathedral, the Arch De'Triumph, and numerous other symbols of French self-believing superiority. With the nation's spritit crushed and minimal children killed in the process, Frank shall smuggle his pleased little self back to New York where he will return to executing drug dealers and the occassional supervillian.

Charge Man writes:

Recently at the movie theater, I had the misfortune of seeing a preview for "The Rugrats in Paris: The Movie". Anything that can stop this catastrophe of a sequel will be greatly appreciated. Go, Frank, go!

Hooper_X writes:

France. Because the Punisher sucks.

1: Gundam: At least ONE character from Mobile Suit Gundam has been a froggie. The Punisher has never appeared in any Gundam media. (thankfully.)

Advantage: France

2. Crossovers: Punisher hangs out with mainstream losers like Wolverine. Okay, so he did chill with Archie, too... But France owned huge-assed gobs of the planet for a while.

Advantage: France

3. Food: French make good food. Punisher's lucky if he can avoid burning coffee.

Advantage: France.

4: Breasts. A sizeable portion of France has 'em. Punisher does not.

Advantage: France.

5: Suck factor: Punisher sucks. I once dated a French girl, and she rocked.

Advantage: France.

6: Horny Stuff: Ever hear of a "Punisher Kiss?" Didn't think so.

Advantage: France.

Punny gets jumped by three fly french chicks in tight pants. Before he knows it, he's making a REAL international incident, falling for some lovely French croissants.

VIVE LA FRANCE!

-Hooper_X, hates France, but hates the Punisher MORE.

Don King writes:

As much as I'd like Frank to win this one, I fear that even the mighty force for justice known as the Punisher cannot stand up to such horrors as mimes, Jerry Lewis movies, and people who refuse to bathe regularly and actually enjoy eating snails. Frank would probably kill himself to end the pain, but then we all know what happened the last time he did that . . .

Dare writes:

I was just in France recently, and despite what a lot of people think it's a totally awesome place. The people were actually really cool. In fact, a guy I met there, Fabrice, even let me stay at his place. Now here's the point of my story: No way in HELL is the Punisher getting beat by a guy named Fabrice. Even if there is a whole country of them. That's gotta be one of those Marvel things where if that happens, their universe will cease to exist, like if you kill Galactus. Punisher all the way!!!!

Lil' Washu writes:

Here's my reasoning on why the Punisher will win. Look at ninjas in movies. One ninja is a killing machine that can't be stopped but take fifty ninjas they die like rats. Same with police. One police guy can kill 50 terrorist using nothing but a butter knife but 50 cops can't shoot the broadside of a barn let alone a gun wielding maniac. One frenchman could maybe kill the Punisher but an entire country should collapse like a house of cards in a typhoon!

Justy Hakubi writes:

ZUT ALORS!!! The Punisher vs. France? Jeez Serge, The Celestials vs. Luxembourg is a fairer fight. France kicked ass back in the days of Charlemagne and the Holy Roman Empire... and yes Napoleon and Charles De Gaul are both dead leaving what? A nation of Film Noire Cubist Dadaist Freaks!! Back in 1818 a few of my progenitors knew to get the hell out of Dodge because in 2000 a pissed off dude named Frank (oh the Irony) is gonna waste that army of baguiette weilding Marcel Marceau wannabees like A Furby in Heat!! (don't ask). France aint got no Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan or Rambo to stop him either. Oh wait! There's that frog wanna be Belgian Jean-Claude Van Damme to provide some Maginot defense! Hah...nay I say, not today! After the Punisher is through not even 100 Marshall Plans will be able to make heads or tails out that pile of rubble.

Greebo71 writes:

Punisher vs. France? Punisher has this one in the bag. France doesn't stand a snowball's chance in a a hot hell of surviving this one. I mean, when the EuroDisney park set off fireworks each night, half of France surrendered!! Once the Punisher opens up his explosive packed can of Whoop-Ass, this fight is over.

All ! can say is Cest la Vie!!

Darth Eddie writes:

Sacre bleu, are you daft?

Just think of all the wars France lost (not to mention all the battles they got beat in the hallowed WWWF Grudge Match[TM])! Nappy couldn't take Europe, Hitler overran the place, and now they side with Saddam, the mother of all wussies....

France has about as much chance of winning this as Milli Vanilli has of ever winning a Grammy...or as much chance as Bill Clinton taking a vow of celibacy (let alone keeping it).

The Punisher takes this one, hands down.

MasterManG writes:

I'll make this short and concise. Punisher has taken on the U.S. Army, and they had Captain America as backup! That said, it'll take awhile, but Punisher will have the government officials cowering before him after he slays France's national hero, Batroc the Leaper.(no, that is not a missprint)

Antares435 writes:

The Punisher has successfully killed dozens of mob bosses, hundreds of drug dealers, and thousands of random hoods. France has successfully defeated... Greenpeace. France was steamrolled in the Franco-Prussian War and caved to Germany miserably in three weeks in the Second World War. Unless Frank Castle's been going to Anti-Nuclear rallies, I've got to hand this one to the Punisher.

Niko writes:

France couldn't even take out Greenpeace without making a mess of it. I think they'll find the Punisher is no "Rainbow Warrior". He only sees one color, red.

Mister Pepe writes:

Bah! All Punisher hasta do is call the worlds attention to the fact the French eat snails! _SNAILS!!_ After that faux-pas, the world will certainly turn against France...and their snooty little laughs. Who's hoo-hoo-hoo'ing now?? Eh?

The Wizard of Todd writes:

Are you guys on freaking drugs?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Of course the Punisher is going to toast all of France. It is no secret that during the colonization of North America that all of the good French people moved to either Canada or the Bayou. (They obviously knew what was coming.)

The results of this mass migration are horrendous. Name the last war that France won? I realize that they fought Britain to a draw in the "Hundred Years War" but that was a long time ago.

The fact of the matter is, the French government will be stomped worse than a NARC at a biker rally.

Pksoze writes:

One must observe both these combatants scientifically. The nation of France has over a million people. The Punisher is one person thus it is logical to assume the French will win. Unfortunately, the French don't realize the Punisher is a comic character. Thus, he has thousands of bullets and never needs to reload. Also the Punisher being a vietnam veteran will know how to hide and set up traps. The other major drawbacks of the French is they cannot handle jungle fighting(or any other) that is why they left vietnam in the first place. So I'll say the Punisher takes out the French in a week.

Jimmy LeMort writes:

Punisher takes those french losers with ease. I mean, its France. Has anyone from France ever kicked ass? Marquis de Sade or Napolean, maybe, but they're long dead. Lafayette hauled the USA's ass out of the fire, but that was back in Frances long gone glory days. Hes lucky its not Italy though. Italy, home of the Mafia, the Roman Empire, Italian Grandmothers (most powerful force possible, to see they're amazing power, watch the first season of "the Sopranos") so much alcohol a mere tenth of it could kill Homer, Norm Peterson, Boris Yeltsen, and Ted Kennedy at once. Italy, home of Tom Ripley, a brilliant con man; and need I remind you Da Vinci was from Italy? I think not. Columbus, originally, was Italian, and he killed like zillions of Native Americans/Indians. So, in conclusion, I vote for Italy taking both these idiots to the Cleaners. I wager a single Italian Grandmother could do the job. Thank you very much.

Jeff"T-REX" Hayes writes:

The Punisher (aka Frank Castle) has this one in the Bag. France is an entire country but he one tough SOB. Ever see the movie? He took out an entire house full of Mafiosos and an entire Yakuza gang. The Comic book version is no Panty waist either The Punisher is cool even Cody of Step By Step knows it you know it and the American people know it. The Punisher will wipe out France faster than Jay Sherman pans a Stevan Seagal movie. Got it kids

Angry Net Surfer writes:

This battle is as nutty as they come. Anyway, the Punisher's got this one in the bag. I mean, the Punisher has tangled with all the tough guys in the Marvel Universe from the Kingpin to Moon Knight to even our favorite webcrawler, Spiderman. France on the other hand has been mauled three times in a row by Germany during the Franco-Prussian War of 1871, World War I, and World War II. You're asking who'll win this fight? Puh-lease. The Punisher will riddle those Frenchman full of holes that they'll be eating baugettes through their ribcages.....

[KIL] Entropy writes:

The Punisher can easily overpower France with a milded crusty piece of cheese! Look what happened in two world wars--can you say Germany's bitch? I think the Punisher should give those frogs whar they deserve!

The Bunyip writes:

You call this a battle?

All the Punisher has to do is pull out a gun and start speaking German. The frogs will be crawling all over themselves to be the first ones to surrender.

Sith Lord writes:

Well, although France is pretty pathetic by itself and it has a history of losing it also has a history of being saved by more powerful countries (for reasons unknown) that can actually fight. However I would say that when the French ask for help against one man its allies will be disgusted and turn their backs on the country to let the Punisher hand the french yet another defeat in war.

Punisher all the way!

Iron Lantern writes:

Frank Castle may be a murderer a thousand times over. He may be a stone cold jerk to his friends, and ruthless to his enemies. Frank Castle may be one of the most cold-blooded killers who ever lived. I barely even like Frank Castle as a character.

But at least the Punisher is *our* cold-blooded murderer. He's American through and through. He was a Marine. He fought in a real war. He knows how to win wars, even when the cause is as hopeless as urban crime. We may not like him, but Frank Castle is ours... and American know-how, drive, and sheer guts will always triumph against the vast incompetence and blithering idiocy that is modern France.

Frank Castle at least knows how to fight a war. How many wars has France won, exactly, since Napoleon met his end at Waterloo?

This is not even a fight, guys. The French better *pray* that Garth Ennis isn't scripting this, or there won't be any Frenchmen left to raise the flag.

God bless America.

Mr.Grimm writes:

France is made up of all frenchmen, and therefore Doomed.

Mockingbird writes:

This is just plain silly! The only reason millions of fanboys even have a problem with FRANCE is because Wizard magazine told them to! Geez...Punisher will lose badly after taking out half a police force at the max.

Harley Quinn writes:

Even though France was blowing up bombs in my backyard of the Pacific, I gotta go with the haughty ones.

They really know how to treat you like crap and question your value as a human being.

All the Punisher can do is hurt you physically, and as they say, "Sticks and stones may hurt my bones but names will only cause permanent psycological damage."

Sailor Dragonfyre writes:

why did i vote for France, you may ask? a few simple reasons, first of all, i've been there, it really exists, unlike the Punisher. secondly, i know that the people living there will treat the Punisher like a sub-human for being 'American' (hey, i got treated that way, and i'm CANADIAN!). and lastly, if the Punisher's nose is as sensative as mine, he'll just turn tail and run as soon as he gets a wiff of the great city of Paris, which really DOES smell like urine, i swear to god. *chokes back vomit* Good luck Punisher, but i think the frogs will get you in the end.

Fred writes:

The punisher may have the guns, and the ammo, but all it takes is one sexy woman, and he's distracted and taken out. Where do you think we get "French Maid Outfits", "French Bikinis", and "French Ticklers" from, not to mention the infamous "French Kiss." The Punisher will lose to a girl. Trust me on this one.

Eddie Filth writes:

An interesting battle indeed. Seeing this fight makes me feel happy that my French Ancestors left France a long time ago. I decided to use my persoanl score system to decide the winner.

Numbers: France might have a bunch of prissies but they got a big number advantage over Punisher. This will be the only advantage France has.

Weapons: Punisher has a whole arsenal of the most up to date weapons from tanks to rocket launchers. He was able to take on whole mobs with his guns. Plus, the Punisher is quite lethal, even when he only has a knife. Oh yeah, even killed a guy with chopsticks in Punnisher #52. The Frenchie's choice in weapons are farm animals on catapults and taunting. How good are they are against the Punisher's skills and weapons?

Punisher:1 France:1

Attitude:Punnisher is an angry New Yorker with little mercy. That kind of attitude always ensures victory. The Franch have not had that attitude since the revolution more than two centuries ago.

Punisher:2 France:1

So here is my choice for the fight, Punnisher. He's got it all, lot's of rage and the weapons to help vent it.

Show those Frenchies the wonders of the Second Amendment, Punisher! But spare that one French actress from The Beach, she's hot.

Kingmaker-uk writes:

France the final proof that there is no just God. As no just God would have created a country as beautiful as France

and then put the French in it.

Okay well there's only two groups in France the Punisher has to worry about. The army are wimps they'll fold like a cheap hooker thats been hit in the stomoch, they've never had any intelligence community that's worth speaking of and as for the police forget it. Nope the ones with the real battle cunning are the truckers and the farmers. Fortunately the truckers will be easy to find they'll be blockading Paris so they'll stay still for some high tech pyrotechnics. Them all Frank needs to do is get Chip to drive in a trunk of British Beef rigged to explode and while the farmers are rippiing it to bits and protesting La Boomb (KA Boomb outside France)

The Match Maker writes:

I suppose "realistically" the Punisher would loose. France *does* have an army. (Even if it does fold like a card table every time a war comes around.)

And France *does* have "The Bomb". (But then again, so does every chump with a chemistry set these days.)

So I guess in the end you have a Wimpy Army & a reluctance to nuke yourself Vs. the Punisher.

*blink* *blink*. What was a I thinking?!? Frank's going to show those frogs who's boss!!! :-)

DL Mighty writes:

Who the hell voted for France?!? I wouldn't get too mad if some of you come forward and admit that you accidently clicked on France. Mistakes happen and I understand. But don't cower like a frenchman. Be a man and admit you made a mistake.

McLDo(tm) writes:

3 words: English Soccer Hooligans. All punisher has to do is run into a stadium and get the French to shoot up the teams and presto! Instant french pate'! Punisher in however long it takes to get to a stadium.

Dxmaniac writes:

Punisher, the worst character in comics vs. France the worst nation in the world. I hope they both die. Well, it doesn't matter who wins, cause one will be gone for good.

A Concerned Citizen writes:

Three words, baby... Batroc the Leaper. Viva la France!!!!

Chuin writes:

When things begin to look bad for France, the French call to the north of their country, and the greatest fighters of Gaul come to Paris to face the Punisher. Yes, it is the triumphent return of Asterix, Obelix, and Dogmatix!

As the Punisher is busy shooting at some French bread, Obelix walks up and drops a menhir on the Punisher. All France celebrates the demise of the Punisher with a great feast of wild boar!

RealLoneWolf writes:

Okay, I dunno who thought up this demented match up, but whatever it is he's smoking, he'd better quit before his brain explodes...

I gotta go with France on this one... Why? Because it's a friggin' country, and Punisher's just one guy!! A few moments after Castle's begun shooting at everyone, the French National Guard will send their tanks and planes to wipe him off the map...

Sorry, Frank... But you're just one man against a country.

High Priestess Spork Prophet writes:

Come on, this one is a no brainer. France has it in the bag. All they have to do is taunt the Punisher into submission. A few well places, 'Your father smelled of Elderberries' and the Punisher will be down and out. He'll make enough mistakes that even the French peoples could defeat him. Watch out Punisher, the Crossoints are gonna fly!

THE BATTLE

Quinn:   Oke, well, we been in France about a week now, and through the chaos we really ain't seen much o' da' Punisher, has we Cally?

Callisto:   Have you considered speech therapy, clown girl? No, this has been a classic guerilla fighting action. You know I have a personal interest in tactics myself, so I have found trying to anticipate Punisher's moves intriguing.

Quinn:   Yah, but after awhile we got pretty tired of chasing after da' guy, so we brought in a professional.

Autolycus:   Professional? You must be talking about me. I'm flattered. Hiya Harley girl, aren't you just cute as a button. And Callisto, long time no see. Glad you managed to get over that whole Xena thing there at the end.

Callisto:   Careful. I may decide to develop an Autolycus thing.

Autolycus:   Hey, baby, you can develop a thing for me, anytime. I'm ready to be chased and caught.

Quinn:   Anyways, we hired Auto, here, ta' steal Punny's War Journal since catchin' up with da' guy is so hard.

Autolycus:   And let me say that stealing this little item was no easy job, either. Here, take it.

Callisto:   Thank you. And now we shall read excerpts from the Punisher's daily diary, his War Journal and see just how this thing is going.

Punisher's War Journal. Paris. 02/15/00   Spent the day going shop to shop in Paris today. I made a note of each establishment that provided me with sub-standard service. It was my intention to simply blow up each shop after hours - a kind of attention getter. I figured I'd be on my way after such a demonstration of my unhappiness. BUT when I got home I found that every single place I'd visited provided service hardly fit for a dog. I deemed blowing up every shop to be impractical. This was going to take something more. I deemed this to be war. I was going to need reinforcements. War Journal Supplementary: In the end I did go out and blow up a few shops tonight, just for the hell of it.

Punisher's War Journal. Paris. 02/16/00   Spent the day searching for disgruntled tourists in France. American, British, German and any other nationality getting poor service. As soon as I saw them get rebuffed, short-changed or ignored, I pulled out twin .45's and made the situation right. The tourists thanked me. I asked them to join in my crusade.

Punisher's War Journal. Paris. 02/17/00   Equipped my rag-tag band of Disgruntled International Tourists with walkie-talkies. They have gone searching for more tourists getting it bad from the French locals. I'm wired in to the communication. I spend the day travelling establishment to establishment whenever a distress call comes in, making the situation right. My band of Disgruntled International Tourists swells. War Journal Supplementary: Blew up a few shops tonight, just for the hell of it.

Punisher's War Journal. Paris. 02/18/00   The French pulled out the National Guard today, making it impossible to make establishment raids. They sent some secret agent after me, calling herself La Femme Nikita or some such. I hope they got better back at base. She asked me if I spoke the International Language. I said sure and let my Smith and Wesson do the talking. In the end I decided not to hurt her... much.

Punisher's War Journal. Paris. 02/19/00   Today I really put my plan in action. Wired the Eiffel Tower with explosives and had the most hardcore members of my Disgruntled Tourists sit on the thing, creating a nice diversion. I took the rest of my band to EuroDisney and took over the place. Hell, the French didn't care - They hate EuroDisney anyway. As it turned out, most of the tourists in EuroDisney hated the French just as much. More Disgruntled Tourists join my French resistance. The new Liberated EuroDisney becomes home base. War Journal Supplementary: Made it back to the Eiffel Tower just in time to thrwart a French takeover action. The Tower remains hostage.

Punisher's War Journal. Paris. 02/20/00   Publicly demanded that all French shop keepers be marched to EuroDisney for rehabilitation or I'd detonate the Eiffel Tower. Disney Corp agreed to parachute in several hundred friendly Customer Service reps. from the states to take charge of the French Rehabilitation process...

THE FINAL VOTE

'Nuff Said!

FINAL VOTE:

Punisher: 745

France: 127

THE WRAP UP

Callisto:   Well, looks like Frank has this one handled.

Quinn:   You go, boy! Do it for Joan of Arc!

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