The CBUB Character Database


Green Arrow vs. Hawkeye

ISSUE #107

Tom and Sylvester vs. Jerry and Tweety


Mario vs. Sonic


Ken & Ryu vs. Scorpion & Sub-Zero


Justice League vs. X-Men


Cheetarah vs. Harley Quinn

ISSUE #168

Shazam vs. Black Bolt

ISSUE #117

Kraven vs. Pokemon Island


Scooby Doo Gang vs. Hellraiser

ISSUE #152

Yogi & Boo-Boo vs. Chip 'n' Dale

ISSUE #150

Matrix vs. Crouching Tiger


Wolverine vs. Predator


Lex Luthor vs. Dr. Doom


Robotech Defense Force vs. The Decepticons

ISSUE #177

Master Yoda vs. Professor Xavier

ISSUE #132

The Punisher vs. France


Jawas vs. Ewoks

ISSUE #126

Q vs. Mr. Mxyzptkl


Batman vs. Captain America


Iron Man vs. Steel


Smurfs vs. Snorks


Defiant vs. White Star

ISSUE #138

Wonder Woman vs. She-Hulk


Leisure Suit Larry vs. Austin Powers


Lara Croft vs. Indiana Jones


Borg Cube vs. Death Star


Taco Bell Chihuahua vs. Ren Hoek

ISSUE #115

Robin v. Robin v. Robin v. Robin


Bugs Bunny vs. Mickey Mouse

ISSUE #154

Xena vs. Buffy


Elvira vs. Vampirella

ISSUE #128

Martial Mayhem - Round Two!


Blade vs. Buffy vs. Vampire Hunter D


Superman vs. Thor


Amityville House vs. Overlook Hotel


South Park vs. Peanuts


Galactus vs. Unicron

ISSUE #137

The Predator vs. The Road Runner


Men in Black vs. Marvin the Martian


Mach 5 vs. Batmobile

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Godzilla vs. The Crocodile Hunter



Today's bout features an ultimate game of pin the tail on the donkey between -- The King of Monsters: Godzilla and that Mad Max meets Marlin Perkins naturalist: Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin. This contest is simple enough Stevo is required to attach a small tracking transponder behind the neck of Godzilla. He will have 1 day to accomplish his goal. Also, to add flavor, we have transported the Arena of Khazan into downtown Tokyo! Yes, there will be hoards of screaming people and plenty of destruction here today. Maybe even a visit from Mothra. Now, lets look at the contestants:

Godzilla: Does the King of Monsters require a description? This icon of Japanese pop culture is eons old and rampaging since 1954. Big. Mean. Radioactive. Godzilla has an appetite for cities and a soft spot for little kids.

The Crocodile Hunter: He may be new on the scene but his antics and popularity have made him a crowd favorite. His exploits in the wild if not legenday make for some pretty darn good TV viewing.

Can Steve pull it off? You be the judge. Join Us Now in a battle we had to call...

Reptiles and Samurai




BAT:   Kon'nichi wa good citizens. Your Caped Crusader and your Arachnid Avenger are broadasting LIVE,. We're LIVE, on location near Tokyo harbor, set to bring you bring you one Super-Happy-fun-Time contest. That radioactive reminder of man's folly: Godzilla, will be pitted against that outback adventurer extraordinare, Steve Irwin! Fans all over the world are anticipating fallout from this gargantuan clash.

TICK:   Fallout, ha-ha... good one Bats. We would like to thank the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise in helping us move Khazan Arena to its on-location venue here in Japan. Kirk, any time you want some goddess hoochie-koochie we can hook you up.

BAT:   Hey Tick, I'm getting a reading on my trusty Bat-Geiger counter. Look there, a massive heard rearing out of the ocean, Godzilla is approaching the city!

TICK:   Ah yes, and there's the world renowned naturalist over there with his lovely wife, Terri. She doesn't look a scant concerned. Is that a life insurance policy sticking out of her pocket? Let's see what our worldly panel of experts had to say.




Zog, the Secret Voice of the Monkey Underground writes:

Poor Godzilla. That critter's more or less the whipping boy of every monster in the Japanese film industry. Every time they want to show how tough a monster is, they have it beat Godzilla.

Irwin is essentially taking the role of a new monster who wants to demonstrate how tough he is by whipping Godzilla. Thus, Irwin will be victorious and Godzilla will go home crying to Pamela Anderson, whom he won in a rare victory against King Kong over at Grudge Match.

P.S. You spelled "Samurai" wrong. It's not "Samuri".

Ramblin' Wreck writes:

This ones gotta go to the Croc hunter. Steve loves to hold the world's deadlist snakes 6 inches from his face. This means that the guy has some serious balls. Look for this Aussie to slap that transmiter on Godzilla, pose for some pictures saying "Crike,she's a beaut,ain't she?" then let Godzilla go to flee in humilation

The Bunyip writes:

Steve Irwin already escaped from Jurassic park in the archives of the Grudge Match page, so all we really have to do is determine whether beating Godzilla is easier or more difficult than escaping a horde of velociraptors.

Let's look at the stats.

First, someone ALWAYS escapes Jurassic Park, and if there is a child involved, the child will always escape. Steve has a child, his daughter Bindi, and if she keeps close enough to him, they'll both get out ok - which they in fact did.

As for Godzilla, the problem isn't so much escaping as subduing him. Steve-o, however, is an expert at subduing reptiles. Unfortunately, whereas he usually counts on the help of his mates to wrestle down crocodiles, there aren't enough Aussie zoologists in the world to gang-tackle Godzilla, so Steve's usual tackle methods aren't going to work.

The top jaw rope trick won't work either, unless Steve can find a 1000-ft rope that is both proof against nuclear fire and gigantic teeth. Of course, once he's found such a rope, to what does he attach it?

However, if Matthew Broderick can beat Godzilla, so can Steve Irwin, so all this discussion is by definition moot.

The Catwoman writes:

Godzilla would kick that scrawny Aussi's ass back to Sidney. First I am assuming that this is the original Godzilla and not the on from the crappy American movie. Lets compare the two:

Godzilla: Defeated every monster to cross his path except Mothra. He even beat the monster who killed him! This creature has destroyed Tokyo more times than there are episodes of "The Crocodile Hunter". He is 50 and still manages to frighten small children and animals.

The Crocodile Hunter: Has been injured by every animal on the planet, even the ones that flee in terror from humans like rabbits and goldfish. Not to mention in this fight he dose not even have his wife to bail his ass out.

Conclusion: The Crocodile hunter is going to get stomped like a small Japanese fishing village by the ocean.

Razorwitt writes:

In a logical world, Godzilla would just step on the Crocodile Hunter.

Of course, the Crocodile Hunter does not seem to live in a logical world.

Sure, Godzilla has that radioactive firebreath, but its not like she can aim at a small moving target she might not be able to even see.

And the climb up Godzilla? I somehow suspect Irwin will be bounding along and shouting "Crikey!" every fifty feet or so, oblivious to any danger he might be in.

See, Irwin is nuts. No one is disputing that. But not only will he put a tracker on Godzilla, he'll do it with a deranged smile on his face and make it look easy and/or safe.

And he won't even take the easy route by waiting for Godzilla to fall asleep. Besides, how much feeling can a lizard that big have? Irwin's scrambling presence may not even register through the scales.

The Joker writes:

Oh please.It's Godzilla,king(or queen) of giant monsters,versus a regular guy.The only way for Steve to win is to be turned into a giant like Barbara Streisand in that South Park episode...or like happened in that Pinky and the Brain episode...but a giant Steve Irwin would be worse for humanity than an army of Godzillas.So don't even think about it.

Edward Norton writes:

"Goo mo�ning mates"

*poof*(sound of Godzilla�s fire breath)

No more Crocodile Hunter.

El Kabong writes:

Crocodilles don't spew fire/energy breath.

Godzilla does.

Crocodilles aren't taller than Tokyo buildings.

Godzilla is.

Crocodilles don't send animal control people screaming in the opposite direction.

Godzilla does.

Crocodilles don't terrorize the largest city in the world.

Godzilla does.

Crocodilles have never defeted King Kong or Mothra.

Godzilla has.

Crocodilles don't defeat Steve Irwin.

Godzilla does.

Nuff' said

T-1000 writes:

*sniff* *sniff*

Please excuse me for a moment, I have done something I am most ashamed of. I ACTUALLY DISAGREED WITH CALLISTO ON THE OUTCOME OF A FIGHT. I must hang my head in shame.

I am sorry, but there is no way the Crocodile Hunter can win this fight.

Let's examine his objective: He must place a transponder on the back of Godzilla's neck in order to win. In order to accomplish this, he must, somehow, scale Godzilla's body before reaching the top.

While it is possible for him to jump out of a helicopter onto Godzilla's back, Godzilla would just fry the helicopter on sight before the C Hunter could jump out. Therefore, he is going to have to take a far more radical approach.

However, while he could always use some kind of jetpack or something to reach Godzilla's neck, he just won't survive. Godzilla's entire body is radioactive, and to a severly lethal degree, as it has already been proven. There is just no way for him to survive. Even if he tries to wear a radiation suit for protection, that'll easily melt once he gets near the large scales on Godzilla's back, which, as we all know, become energized when Godzilla attempts to use his breath.

Even if, and this is an extreme IF, if the Crocodile Hunter can get the transponder on to Godzilla's neck, it will also melt upon contact. There is just too much radioactive energy stored within Godzilla's body.


The Dweller writes:

This is a joke right? Its no contest it's Godzilla all the way!!

The Crocodile Hunter must be looking for a reason to stop living or set his family up for life on the life insurance that they will collect after his death! I mean come on, the Crocodile Hunter would have too swim in a swim pool of 10,000,000 degree strength sun block to just maybe survive Godzilla's atomic breath in both blue or red fire color. This whole entire match reminds me of an E-mail story I received just last year stating Godzilla VS David instead of Goliath. Lets just say that Godzilla made extra short work of David. Because it would take alot more than a sling and rock too take down a 400ft tall atomic monster. Godzilla is without a dout indestructible, make no mistake on that!!

The Man With No Name writes:

Let's face facts...the only reason people watch the Crocodile Hunter is to see if it is indeed the "final" episode. Irwin does crazy ass things with the worlds most dangerous animals. Well, I'd have to say that Godzilla (King of the Monsters) is a PDMFM (Pretty Dangerous Mother F-ing Monster). 500 feet tall, radioactive breath, claws, teeth, a tail that knocks down the Ginza in downtown Tokyo with nary a thought...please, Steve is so outclassed here that I doubt he'll even be able to keep his khaki shorts dry once the match is announced much less after it starts. As long as the fight editors don't have him unexplainably grow like some latter-day, anime style, australian Jet Jaguar Godzilla will have a quick Irwin-ka-bob and then go back to stomping Ghidra, Megalon, Biolante and the rest of the monsters that regularly threaten Japan. 'nuff said

DarthVegita writes:

Is there any doubt who takes this? Godzilla had his day. Steve's the man, and he'll slap Godzilla around something terrible.

The Man From Oa writes:

I love Godzilla to death. Always have, always will. But Steve Irwin will never give up. Godzilla will step on him, fry him, and throw a building on him but he will always get up, saying " Oy, she's a beaut". He will then climb up the ridges on Godzilla's tail and back, dripping blood, missing a limb or three, vomiting a vital organ and beat Godzilla

J.C. writes:

Steve Irwin is awesome but he just ain't gonna bring down the King of Reptiles.

Let's compare the two.

Height: Irwin, about 6 feet.

Godzilla, about 600 feet.

Weight: yeah right,

Powers: Irwin, a psycho unafraid of most things, who is an expert on reptiles and has captured and tracked several.

Godzilla, a giant, atomic radiation breathing, city crushing, monster whipping lizard.

Record: Irwin, He defeated hundreds of alligators, snakes, turtles, and similar creature's one way or another.

Godzilla, He thrashed King Kong at WWWF Grudge Match and once in a movie, leveled Tokyo twice, and beat up his american counterpart, not too mention hundreds of other victories over big scary looking monsters.

Can you take it from there?

p.s. Hey Callisto, last weeks "Ring of Shame" match was lots of fun, but I do wish you had let us watch Xena & Buffy really fight it out.

Cruton writes:

Finally, after the debacle between Buffy and Xena, CBUB is back up to its usual high standards...


Both contestants are of such high repute and known for so many so-called "impossible", "amazing", and, by those horrible cynics, "idiotic" acts that it would just be useless to try and break down their abilities. It'd be like comparing Marvel to DC....Oh, wait....

But Gojira will win. Why? Because he is the friend to all children. Irwin, yes, he's popular, but do you trust him alone with your child? I think not. Gojira, on the other hand, will befriend your child through a series of impropable events, act strangely anthropromorphic, and eventually save the child from a less-anthropromorphic monster. And we all know, he which has the small, pleading child on his side shall beats all odds, because "I believe in you!"

In the end, Steve Irwin will be stomped like Bamby.

AyersRock writes:

You've gotta review both contestants' skills before a tough decision like this, and having seen Steve live in his little park in my very home state of Queensland, Australia it's gotta be Steve hands down! Have you seen this man live?? He's a killing machine! Heck, we don't even need a commentator for this battle, Stevie's got the talent, he can narrate his own victory! Let's DO THIS! AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! OI OI OI!

Starcloud, Irrational Godzilla Otaku writes:

EEEEEEEEEEEE! IT'S GODZILLA! IN KAHZAN! I THINK I'M GONNA FAINT! *faints* *is revived* Oh my! This is too much! Now if only the MS-14A Gelgoog would appear in a fight.

Anyways, Godzilla will win this fight. He's just too big and despite Steve Irwin's incredible croc-catching skills, he can't take Godzilla. Maybe King Ghidorah or Gigan, but not Godzilla!


I was gonna add a somewhat inappropriate analogy, but I think it's a bit much. I'll use another one instead.

"Steve Irwin's gonna get beat like a red-headed step-child in a K-Mart parking lot!"

I am that is writes:

Oh, Steve'll win. All he has to do is climb up the giant reptile's back and stick something on it. Fine, it won't be an easy climb, but as long as Godzilla isn't attacked by giant monster things or by Tokyo's army, Steve won't even have to worry about being noticed. Godzilla is a giant scaly thing, so the scampering of a tiny little insect of a man won't even be felt. Plus the fact that Godzilla has scales means that Steve also has many many handholds for him to grip. Face it, Steve's coming out on top and Godzilla won't even know he lost or even was competing.


Steve: 1

Godzilla: 0

Tokyo: -4.8 million.

Kevin the Nonsensical writes:

A preview of the match....

Steve Irwin: Goodaye mites! I'm here in the wild ruins of Manhattan today on the trail of the elusive Godzilla. The Godzilla is a native of Japan, but it immigrated here to the U.S., causing no end of trouble. Here it comes now!


Steve Irwin: Just look at those choppers! Aren't they beauts! When approaching the Godzilla, it is best to be cautious of it's powerful incendiary breath. It can literally melt steel! Also, it is best to approach by use of a hellycopter, and get just in range of the mouth. The best way to gain the Godzilla's friendship is to toss bucketloads of fish at it, as fish are part of the creature's main diet.

Crocodile Hunter throws fishes at Godzilla, but Godzilla doesn't bother eating them. Instead, Godzilla swallows the helicopter whole.

Steve Irwin: I'm here now in Godzilla's digestive system, where I will eventually get dissolved by it's stomach acid. But don't worry mites, I've been in tougher scraps than this. Oh I aven't. Well, so long mites!

Dr. Nick Tetopolis (is that how you spell his name?): The moral of this story is: only idiots get right in front of Godzilla's mouth.

Kevin (aka Me): But Dr. Nick, didn't you do that and survive?


Zuka Juno writes:

It all comes down to which version of Godzilla Steve Irwin goes up against. Allow me to demonstrate:

we already know that Steve Irwin can pull a victory against the vicious dinosaurs of Jurassic park, which is no mean feat and may just allow him to pull it off.

Origional Godzilla vs Steve Irwin:

Crunch! Despite being the least mobile and destructive of the series, origional Godzilla has something Steve lacks: Style. It's the great all time monster movie classic and the begining of kaiju eiga- no way Origional Godzilla loses to the likes of Steve & Animal Planet.

Misc Godzilla (from Godzilla v King Kong to Godzilla vs Megalon)

A very close battle, but would again vary from movie to movie. Steve might have a slight edge due to the fact that Godzilla is portrayed as a radioactive dinosaur, and Steve has already proved he can handle them... On the other hand, Godzilla was a proactive force in the majority of these films, fighting with the other monsters to protect Tokyo, meaning allies. Sure, Steve wrestles crocs, but what about giant moths, snakes, spiders, battras (whatever the heck they are), rodans and triple-headed space dragons? Didn't think so.

Godzilla 1998

A taint on the series. Godzilla from '98 shares more in common with the Jurassic Park T-rex & raptors than any other movie, a fact that ensures his demise.

Godzilla 2000 +

At last, an explanation for why Godzilla never sustains wounds from bullets, missiles and futuristic laser tank blasts- Regenerator G-1. Corny name, but it ensures him victory in this fight... No matter how hard Steve Irwin fights, Godzilla's strength is endless, born of the fusion strength of his mutant cells. Sure, there may be "a little bit of Godzilla in us all," but theres not enough in Steve to keep him in this fight.

Final score: 3 to 1 Godzilla

Mad Skyro G-88 writes:

Let's Compare!!!

Croc Hunter: Psychotic man bent on capturing critters.

Big G: Psychotic mutant bent on destroying mankind.

Croc Hunter: Fairly decent TV show. Many Fans.

Big G: Many bad movies. Many Fans.

Croc Hunter: Has to put a tracking thingummyjig on Godzilla.

Big G: Has to kill Steve.

Croc Hunter: Average human.

Big G: 150-Story-tall giant lizard

Croc Hunter: Animal skills

Big G: Big. Powerful. Strong. Ugly.

Final Decision: As much as a certian jedi master once said "Size matters not", I have to disagree. Irwin's in deep poop.

Dark Queen writes:

A small transmitter on the back of Godzilla. That's it?!?!?! Have you seen this guy in action? Steve Irwin is the master of reptiles. I've seen this guy dive into lakes, ponds, drainage ditches and rivers full of crocs. Heck, one time he jumped from his boat into croc infested waters and wrestled a wild croc back onto the boat! The guy is a pro, he'll have no problems putting a transmitter on Godzilla.

Hell, if worst comes to worst, he could just unzip the Godzilla costume.

Jace Von Varius writes:

Godzilla. Scales harder than titanium. Regenerates. Physically impossible size. Exceptional strength and speed. Intelligence debatable, since few observers live long enough to formulate a hypothesis. Highly radioactive. Breathes nuclear flames capable of annihilating...pretty much anything. Posseses limited magnetic capability.

Hmm. Tough contender. I wonder who they got to fight him? Short of superman or galactus, not much stands a chance. Let's see...

Steve Irwin.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahaha!

(continues to laugh for several hours)

Deep Sea Dolphin writes:

Please Godzilla. Eat him and put him out of our misery.

metaphysician writes:

"Hello, its me, Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. Today, we are investigating the behavior of the once-thought extinct godzillasaurus. To do this, we have gone to his native habitat, Tokyo.

"Ah, here comes one out of the water right now. Lets get closer so we get a better look. See those scales on its feet?? They are thicker than on any other part of its body. This is to protect the feet when it is walki..."SPLAT!!


Leviathan writes:

This is going to be funny.. But I voted for GOdzilla.

Why? Sevne reasons why!

1:This is the orignal GOdzilla.. Steve might stand cause againist American one.

2:Godzilla has been around since 1954!! Has a TON of expernice.. He has fought armies, ocmc book heros, other giant monsters and races.. Still kicking too.

3:Steve has trouble with mere crocs.. Cannot move them by himself.. No chance in Hell he will take on a monster that can step on a tank.

4:I like Godzilla!

5: Orignal Godzilla has NEVER lost.. Except maybe Mr.T but who does not?

6:One of the Good things to come out of Japan.. Besides ANime,Ultra Man, abd hentai.

7: In Destory All Monsters he blew up New York New York in one death breath blast.. I doubt M>Irwin can do that.

D. Merzel writes:

As an australisian (not australian) I feel some support for Mr Irwin


How is he supposed to attach the transponder? Godzilla has proven able to shrug off heat rays, Atomic bombs, other giant monsters, parenting (son of godzilla)the entire firepower of the 60's japanese military. He has regularly stomped tokyo home to myriad ninja's and insane anibabes. Throughout it all he has stood proud and triumphant.

There is no way even if steven gets a harpoon launcher (easily found in Japan, home of international scientific whaling) for him to tag the beast. It'll bounce right off.

Steve will survive yet fail in his task

"Oh no there goes tokyo, GO GO GODZILLA!!"

He Who Can Not Be Named writes:

I can't believe I voted against the G man, I am a huge fan...however, I am also an Aussie so I will go with my fellow countryman...Let's face it, Croc guy is totally insane!!! Have any of you out there ever seen a REAL Tasmanian Devil? Well they are one of the most vicous little creatures on the planet and this guy breaks up fights between groups of them with his bare hands!!! If there is a way for him to subdue Godzilla he will do it.

Realistically however, big G is 100+ metres tall, has radioactive fiery breath, can generate nuclear pulses, turn himself into an electro magnet and attract or repel any object, regenerates so fast that nothing truly hurts him and is impervious to all man made weapons!!!

G will win in the end, but I think Croc Hunter will come closer than any one before in bringing him down.

The Dark Lord has spoken!!!

Eagle299 writes:

With a purposeful grimous and a terrible sound he pulls the city's high tention wires down.

Helpless people on subway train, scream to God as he looks in on them.

He picks up a bus and throws it back down as he wades through the builds towards the center of town.

Oh No, They he's got to go, Go Go Godzilla. Oh No, There goes Tokyo, Go Go Godzilla.

When I first saw this fight posted here, I wasn't sure which I wanted to vote for. Steve Irwin has taken on just about every wild animal nature can throw at him. If anyone can tag that transmitter on Godzilla, its him, right?

Then I downloaded the song Godzilla, by Blue Oyster Cult. And I am reminded that, Godzilla is no animal. He's the King of Monsters. Even a guy as crazy as Steve Irwin is no match for him. You mention Steve Irwins name to someone, they may or may not know who he is. And if they do, they think of him as a crazy Australian. But Everyone knows the name Godzilla. It is a name they assosiate will leveling cities and humbling every devise the millitary can come up with. Godz

Steve Irwin will try to climb Godzilla, and he'll be thrown down as Godzilla keep leveling Tokyo. The big G won't even notice him at that point. Steve will use Fire hoses to try to swing in from one of the buildings. Godzilla will notice him this time and smack him away. This fight is taking place in a city, so Steve is really out of his element here. Steve will try to ride one of the many missles that are being fired at Godzilla in a vain attempt to stop him. Godzilla will swat away Steve's missle.

The Fight will end with Steve getting off one last "Cricky" before Godzilla steps on him. Like the Bat said, Big Monster Steps on Little Man.

History Shows again and again how nature points out the folly of man. Godzilla.

Dark Ranger X writes:

I'm hanging out for the comments page for this fight for a few reasons...

1) I'm anxious to see how many morons use the "Thumb up the butthole" joke from South Park. What we have there is a joke that, while funny once, isn't funny over and over and over again.

2) Anyone who makes fun of my country dies.

3) Irwin for the win.

4) Anyone who makes fun of my country dies.

5) Godzilla go bye bye.


Have a nice day!


It is obvious who is going to be the victor here, mate. Godzilla is an evil, mutated overgrown crocodile and Steve eats evil, mutated overgrown crocodiles for breakfast, literally, I've seen him do it. While Godzilla's main weapons are size, fire breath and this funny sound that he calls a roar. Stevey has his 'DANGER!DANGER!' and ' YOU'RE ALRIGHT MATE, YOU'RE ALRIGHT!' Steveys tactics will be to get 'to close ' and aggrovate Godzilla into submission. But Steve doesn't take prisoners, no, he will strap Godzilla into his torturefyer 2006 and Godzilla wiil scream in pain as he is forced to wear a pink ballet costume while a laser creeps up the steel table on which he is strapped to. The last words Godzilla will hear are 'SEE YOU IN HELL MATE HA HA HA HA HA OH MY!' This is not the last of Stevey, Godzilla will tell him where monster island is and Steve will go over there to supposedly get 'a closer look' When steve arrives he will meet Mothra but no monster is a match for our Steve. He will plant the doom bomb destructer 67894 with a tragerorian power source inside doom mountain and force the Monsters into joining the circus with a new name as the the happy Joy Monsters Of WONDERCHOCOLATEHAPPYMAGICLAND. Where they will juggle countless purple balloons and be forced to sing 'We are a happy family and stevey is our faatherr and wont you come and dance with me and live happily ever after since we love you every one and you'll be happy with the love of us, the Happy Joy Monsters Of WONDERCHOCOLATEHAPPYMAGICLAND' Until they are too old and weak and will suffer the same fate as Godzilla.

Ghost writes:

Steve Irwin is a smart enough Aussie to realise that Godzilla is to big for him to handle on his own. Lucky enough, he has Tokyo (or whatever city Big G is busting up this time) backing him up financially, and those dudes have a serious money making machine in the Anime and Manga industry. Therefor, the Croc Hunter had them build a (you guessed it) GIGANTIC CROCODILE ROBOT!!!

Of course, this plan fails big time. Godzilla is an expert when it comes to fighting other big, ugly monsters. It's the only thing he does better then tearing up cities. They even gave him TWO cartoons in which he stomps ugly dudes on a daily basis. People have even suggested that he could go one-and-one with Cthulhu himself!

Here is how the battle will proceed. Godzilla is tearing up the town, and suddenly a gigantic Crocodile Mecha enters the scene. In it head sits the pilot, Steve Irwin.

STEVE: "G'day, mates! Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter here! Inside this enormous armoured RoboCroc (tm) I'm now closing in on non other then the ol' king of all monsters himself, Godzilla! He's a bloody big lizard! Ain't he a beaut, folks? Now I'm gonna hit him square in the eye with these here anti-monster missiles!"

Steve pushes a button and five missiles are launched from the RoboCroc's back. The impact on Godzilla's shoulder and the lizard roars in anger.


He turns around and sees the RoboCroc. He roars again, steps on the RoboCroc and hit it with a fusion beam. The RoboCroc is blown to pieces and Godzilla picks it's head (which still contains

Steve Irwin) up and eats it.

STEVE: "Crikey!" (chewing sounds)

End of story!

Or is it�?

You have to remember that this isn't any mere mortal we're talking here, this is the Crocodile Hunter! He is freaking unkillable! Some thermonuclear fire and digestive acid will not harm him. But what will he do, swallowed, as he is, by a gigantic mutated monster-lizard? The answer is simple, my friends. He does a "Hercules".

STEVE: "Well, mates, seems like I've been swallowed whole. This environment ain't too good for ones health, so I'll try an' find a way out of here."

He starts climbing but gets lost somewhere around the kidney and somehow ends up near the spine (don't ask me how).

STEVE: "Please observe the animal's reaction when I jab this big knife into his central nerve-system!"

As Steve stabs the satanic saur, Godzilla goes into frenzy and starts going berserk.

STEVE: "Crikey! That got him mad ol'righ! Well, seems like we've found the brain. Watch as I carefully carve my initials in his cerebral cortex."

Finally Godzilla succumbs to extensive brain damage and tumbles over, crushing the largest and most expensive building still standing. Steve makes his way out of Godzilla's nose and is celebrated as a hero all over Japan.

DarkaAngelx7 writes:

God zilla is big , spits thermo nuclear breath and has beaten almost every big monster there is even taking on king kong. But steve is no ordinary man how many white guys do you know that hang around dangerous creatures all day and night and not get hurt. Lets face it steve lives eats and breathes predators the guy is super human have you ever seen him get hurt. I'm a hardcore godzilla fan but face old steve will have his thumb up godzillas ass and say criky in no time.

Stormed Trooper writes:

I honestly see absolutely no way what-so-ever that Steve Irwin can lose this fight. Granted, Godzilla is huge, but Irwin is a psychopath and has the maddskillz needed to handle Godzilla. Honestly am I the only one that's ever watched the guy's show. This man is completely psychotic and has no brains what-so-ever. I can see the Crocadile Hunter Episode now...

Austrailian Accent kicks in:

And, here we ar' in the middle of to-kyo and we can see this foine specimen knaown as Goadzilla. This sucka's absolutely huage let's get in for a closa look shall we? Crikey! There he gaose with that fire breath a' his. Wow, look at 'im go. But, not ta warry, mate ya see I come prepared fer anythin' and as we speak an army of fire trucks is pullin' up behind me mates. Not ta mention the fact that I called in a few favors from the Japanese Defense Faorce. I brought along Jack Hanna too, he was most intrigued ta here about this rare animal. And he's daown let's get in an' getta close-up of this fine animal.

End Australian Accent

And the show would continue in this fashion, with Irwin narrowly missing gettin eaten multiple times, but none the less escapeing harm.

The Evil Scriptwriter writes:

You guys are really pulling out all the stops. I mean, what can top Buffy vs. Xena? Crikey! It's Godzilla! The Croc Hunter has this one in the bag (if the Tick doesn't crush both of them)

Leecho writes:

Lets face it, this one is an easy call. Godzilla being a large mean destructive creature and The Crocodile Hunter being a crazy plus, I think, retarded human, Godzilla will take this easy. Godzilla will be wandering around destroying Japan, while good ol' Steve will be chasing him around talking to a camera that most likely wont even be there. It will go something like this...Steve will tell us he is going to climb up Godzilla back and put on the tracker, he will most likely jump from the nearest build onto Godzilla's back(cause he crazy like that) at which point Godzilla will flick him off like the the annoying little human he is. End of Steve, end of match.

raincloud3 writes:

Da' Tick is right, Steve is psycho and this is what makes him a winner before the battle even starts. He is the crocodile hunter! he has fought tough lizard things before, this one is just, um, a little bigger. If anything else Godzilla will be appauled by the length of Steve's shorts and run screaming from the arena.

HalloweenJack writes:

Having seen all the Godzilla films with the exception of two very recent ones not released in America yet, I have a good idea of how this fight will go.

Godzilla has a trademark roar.

Steve Irwin, a bad accent

Godzilla has radioactive heat beams

Steve Irwin has a bad accent

Godzilla's first movie was made while my father, born in 1946, was only eight

Steve Irwin has a bad...well you can see where this is going

Anywho, Godzilla is a force of nature. He's rumbled past King Ghidorah, King Kong, Mechagodzilla, and even the Destroyer for years and is still going strong in japan. He's had movies, tv shows, comics, lunch boxes and other paraphenelia.

Steve Irwin is a flash in the pan that won't be remembered in ten years. Hell the whole "oy! what a beauty!" schtick was old last year. Probably the year before that too.

the point is that Irwin, though annoying, is a very brave and crazy man. He goes after crocs every week. I can see him walking in Godzilla's path and trying to explain the giant creature

"OY! What a beauty! Radioactive testing created this massive thing. It's heat beam is potent enough to melt a skyscraper and is so tough that conventional weaponry is nothing. Crikey, he's a true mon*SPLAT*

Godzilla walks on oblivious to irwin's presence.

it ended in the only fashion it could. After all, Irwin doesn't have a song by blue oyster cult about him does he?

ps. good to see Godzilla finally here

pss. if Mothra shows up please, PLEASE, incinerate the bugger. Always did hate it. But Battra i liked

AltimaDark writes:

Let's look at each contestant's stats, shall we?


Godzilla: Godzilla-Sized. He's so big, he categorizes his own sized. How often has a giant monster been compared to being "Godzilla-sized?"

Steve: normal-sized human. Perhaps the -only- thing normal about Steve Irwin.


==Primary Weapon==

Godzilla: Atomic Fire Breath. He's a walking, breathing, nuclear weapon.

Steve: Annoying Austrailian accent. I got nothing personal against austrailian accents in general, but his is just plain annoying.

Advantage: Godzilla


Godzilla: Tokyo. For Godzilla, this is actually a -good- thing, since he's the monster rampaging through it.

Steve: Austrailia. Founded by English convicts. Probably explains why his show is a crime. May have a few tricks up his sleeve.



Godzilla: King of the monsters. Household name. In some dictionaries.

Steve: Annoying Animal Planet Guy. Makes you want to hurt animals, throw up, and kill Steve (in no particlar order).



Godzilla: Regenerative ability. Can even come back from the dead.

Steve: Won't shut up. Won't cut the accent. Won't die.



Godzilla. Anyone for roast hunter? Me neither, just bury the moron.

Basara7 writes:

Hmm, the ever present challenge of doing this review without the ever clich� "Crikey" and "Ain't she a beaut" that sure to be driving the CBUB editors nuts. Can I do it? Let's find out.

There are really two things to keep in mind here:

1) Steve is insane!!

2) It's still Godzilla!!

That in mind, Steve will probably start off his special on gigantic nuclear radioactive lizards by standing right in front of Godzilla as she makes her way through Tokyo. Godzilla being totally oblivious to him as he is only one amongst several million screaming humans, will simply keep stomping through downtown. Steve being insane will not have the simple common sense to simply get out of the way of the rampaging lizard. Thus, he will narrowly escape (YES!!) being stepped on by Godzilla. Cut to commercial.

Then he and crew will probably get on a helicopter and fly to examine Godzilla more closely. Of course, the Japanese military will already have begun to attack Godzilla. Steve will explain to the audience about the sheer toughness of the skin as Godzilla shrugs off all bullets and missiles aimed her way. Of course, being in one of the many flying things that are annoying Godzilla will make him a target and give the viewers a nice close-up of Godzilla's flame breathe which will narrowly miss (YES!!) the helicopter due to the skill of the pilot. Cut to commercial.

Finally, Steve will just simply start climbing the back of Godzilla, totally enthralled with the opportunity to wrassle this big varmint (as we Texans say). Godzilla, being the PMS driven psycho with a soft spot for kids we all know her to be, will be completely confused by the child-like enthusiasm that exudes from Steve at all times. Thus she will allow Steve to joyfully climb her back. Once he attaches his device though, the illusion will be shattered and Godzilla will exact her revenge on Steve, shrugging him off with minimal effort. Steve plunges to his death, and Godzilla adds the emphasis by stamping his broken body into paste. End of show.

Which brings us back to our original rules:

1) Steve is insane!! Only he would think of climbing on Godzilla's back.

2) It's still Godzilla!! No one betrays her trust without paying the terrible price.

However, the rules only say that Steve must get the transmitter on Godzilla. It says nothing about his surviving the experience. Thus, Steve wins the game, and Animal Planet gets one hell of a farewell episode of "The Crocodile Hunter."

Then Godzilla goes to K-Mart to stomp that annoying little 4 year old brat that I'm getting so tired of hearing about.

Hatman writes:

Gonna have to go with the Crocodile Hunter on this one. Steve is fearless, and crazy to boot. The battle should play out as follows.

Godzilla is stomping around, when out of nowhere comes Steve, running straight for him. He tackles the behemoth by the leg, somehow forcing him down (probably applied one helluva tranq).

"Look at the size o' this beauty. Y'alright mate, y'alright. Look at the roughness of these scales. These can withstand the concussive force of a missile. Crikey! Y'alright mate, y'alright."

And as Steve continues with his commentary, he "Chameleon Dances" to victory.

Deeter (said with thick German accent) writes:

Let's be real. Even if the big G managed to burn off half of Stevie's body with radioactive fire, the response would be: "Crikey! Luks lyke Ouy got singed a byte buy that won! Buot now that Ouy know whot hes range is...." He's been bitten in the nose by a viper, chomped by alligators, treed by Komoto dragons. The man will not die.

The Raven(Nevermore) writes:

It's all about the insane aussie croc hunter. The guy's been attacked/bitten/poisoned/whiped or mauled by more creatures than any other human alive. at least we assume the guy's human...

From all the times he's been bitten by poisonous things, he's sure to be at least half poisonous himself, and let's face it. he's got speed, agility and insane aussie power behind him. what's godzilla got? size and a wicked case of halitosis.

Steve's got this match, bar none.

SailorXena writes:

What's this? The CBUB is up and running again? Why wasn't I notified of this!?! (kills a random person) That's better, now on to the fight. I've seen both contestants, and even though Godzilla's hundreds of times bigger then the ol' croc hunter, it won't help him against Steve Irwins's "lets jump on the large reptile" mentality. (anyone who's seen any of the Crocidile Hunter's shows know what I'm talking about) He'll have 'Zilla tagged and be whooping it up before the bain of Tokyo ever finds out.

Mr. Silverback writes:

Despite the fact that he loving, caressingly handles critters that are best handled with belt-fed automatic weapons, I have yet to see Steve be harmed by a single lethal lifeform.

Despite the fact that he is a highly dangerous tool-using human who often has 6 or 8 guys leaping on these dangerous critters to help him, I have yet to see a single lethal lifeform be harmed by Steve, even by accident.

So, let's sum up: You've pitted Godzilla against a man who won't hurt an animal and can't be hurt by one. I now return you to a match I just had to call...

Crikey! Ain't That A Beaut Of A Stalemate!!

Bryan writes:

OKay, in a fight to the death, Godzilla. Hands down and anyone that says different is an idiot.

However, attaching a small collar to a giant lizard isn't nearly as hard.

Remember that unless activly threatened, Godzilla may well not attack. Steve has been handling animals long enough to not be overtly threatening.

The biggest problem is going to be if Steve gives into temptation and we all here..

"Crikey!! Look at the size of thatr mouth!!! Lets get a closer look."

Followed shortly after by a loud gulp.




BAT:   It's well known among our viewers that Godzilla is a walking nuclear disaster. While we're all protected by the thick coat of lead paint in the Arena, Stevo may have to get awfully close to his radioactive quarry to win this thing. Has he taken any steps to avoid going the way of the Curies?

TICK:   Why yes he has, you bruiser you. Here's some video courtesy of Studio Toho of Stevo's morning preparations. This should explain how the Croc Hunter will deal that nasty stuff

STEVO:   This thing here is called a bangle? I always thought that a bangle was a lousy American Football player.

Japanese Scientist:   HAI ! and HAI !

STEVO:   And what's this glowing green thing?

Japanese Scientist:   Ah... RADIOACTIVE MATERIA... help you from turning into puddle of goo, last long time, great quality, number one!

STEVO:   Why do I feel so light headed?

Japanese Scientist:   Oh yes, some side effects, do not operate any heavy machinery.

BAT:   Godzilla has made landfall. He's stomping his way through the Japanese Defense forces. Tanks, aircraft, rockets, they're having no effect on him. Ooh, a humvee with a civilian aboard just got tail-whipped. Funny, I could have sworn that the passenger looked kind of like Ferris Bueller.

Close-Up of man running:   AAIEEYYYY GODZIRA!!!!!!!

TICK:   The citizens of Tokyo appear to be in flight. Apparently our nefarious boss neglected to inform the people of Tokyo about today's bout.

BAT:   As the destruction continues, let's check in with the Croc Hunter himself...

CROC HUNTER:   By crikey, look at that big gila, such a beauty! You'll notice those roses of beautiful spikes along 'is back, now you want to stay clear of those, because they conduct what's known as radio active energy. When those suckers light up, it's his natural way of saying, "bugger off". I'm afraid this beasty is just a tad too aggressive go in my billabong, but hopefully I can use the chopper over here to get right up close and tag 'em, so we can follow 'em in his natural state. By crickey!

TICK:   You know this Godzilla chap reminds me of somebody from back home. Hmm... Hey! There goes a bus. Did you see Godzilla kick that thing? Hoo-boy! Right into that NHK news chopper.

BAT:   Uh oh for Stevo. The pilot of his chopper must have rethought his career path, because he's taken off and left the scene! I guess even Stringfellow Hawk knows a suicide mission when he sees one.

TICK:   Steve has to think quick here, its decision time. Does he go with the spring boots or the jump spell?

BAT:   Steve just produced a rope and a grappling hook from his trousers. He's making his through the fleeing crowd toward Godzilla. He's planning to scale the monster himself!

TICK:   Looks like Steve will have an open path to Godzilla because the Mean Green One is looking at something in the distance. He seems focused on it. That expression isn't good.

BAT:   Camera two, we need a close-up on the western side of the Nakatomi building. There, it's a projection image. It's a film of little baby Godzilla, being hog tied and wrangled by human! First there was no warning given about this match, and now whoever is projecting this image is clearly trying to provoke Godzilla into further rage. My only conclusion is that the mayor of Tokyo is behind this, in a dastardly plot to keep construction jobs plentiful. The fiend!

Eyeglasses of the Mayor (looking on from a distance):   ##SHING##

CROC HUNTER:   (IN THE VIDEO) "Ain't she a beaut, now with this brand everyone will know this little critter is a female."

TICK:   Oh Stevo, you made the wrong call. That's Godzilla's Son!! Not his daughter. He went through a ton of trouble passing that egg.

BAT:   Well Tick, it seems that we now know the underlying cause for the giant monster's rampage. Can even our astute Aussie survive the parental fury of an ambiguously-genitaled super beast?

TICK:   The citizens of Tokyo are calling Godzilla's attention to the man with the grappling hook. Godzilla isn't happy.

STEVE:   Crickey!! There's no outward genitalia. It's an honest mistake, Mate.

TICK:   GZ is going Monty Python on Steve making with the giant foot!! Will this be 'A Kiwi Meets Godzilla'. No, just missed him.

BAT:   Shaken by the close call, Steve is darting off down the nearest side street.

TICK:   Monuments of Bubble-Era architecture are being blasted into slag as Godzilla hunts his prey.

BAT:   Our cameras have kept him in site. Steve has commandeered an abandoned artillery piece. He's pre-programmed the controls, now he's loading himself into the cannon for a launch at Godzilla. Insane!


TICK:   Oh yeah, I remember this episode. He had to save some Reese's monkeys trapped on a ship that was being refused port entry. I think they used a trebuchet in that one though...

BAT:   Wow, Steve is soaring through the air just like a majestic..I dunno... flying...Australian type person. It's quite a site.

TICK:   Steve's hurtling towards Godzilla. Oh no, Godzilla sees him and let's out a bellow as he tail whips fastball Steve.

Citizens of Tokyo:   HomeRun!!!

BAT:   A quick analysis on the Bat-computer of Steve's trajectory is plotting his landing point to be in the mountains well outside of Tokyo. He should reach the target zone any second now...

TICK:   And smack into the forehead of a napping Rodan! I don't want to see this.

BAT:   The winged Rodan is looking at Steve with nothing but cold hate in his eyes. I guess this winged terror has a past with Irwin too.

TICK:   Rodan picks up Steve, several moments pass before, he decides to toss him back to Tokyo. Steve lands with a thud behind Godzilla.

BAT:   Steve is looking a bit tattered, but no harm done. He looks eager to give it another go.

TICK:   Irwin quickly starts to scramble up the back spikes of Godzilla. Look at him go. The crowd is holding its breath. If Godzilla let's one more go nothings going to stop Steve from becoming popcorn chicken.

BAT:   Just a few more adjustments, and Steve will be set to latch the transponder to Godzilla's scaly hide.

TICK:   There! GZ just caught a reflection of what's going on behind him. This won't be pretty.




'Nuff Said!


Godzilla: 1130

Steve Irwin: 1155



BAT:   Stevo has done it, the transponder is attached and operational!

TICK:   Steve better get the heck out of there or it won't matter because there's no draws in this bout.

BAT:   One last a daring move, Steve leaps from the lizard's neck to the roof a nearby building. He's home free. Against all odds, the Croc Hunter successfully the mighty Godzilla. Give the man a shield and call him Captain Australia.

TICK:   Aw man, Godzilla looks dejected as he walks off kicking a car.

BAT:   Well folks, Steve Irwin, with an amazing combination of mental ingenuity and testicular fortitude, has bested the legendary force of nature known as Godzilla. The transponder is working perfectly, not only tracking the creature, but broadcasting loud, constant Barry White music. Godzilla heading back towards Monster Island, in hopes of finding another creature he can make babies with. Meanwhile, the triumphant Stevo has scooped up his adoring wife Terri in his arms. Not many hotels are left standing in the city, but no matter, for it looks like they're running off for a romantic interlude at the nearest...petting zoo?! Oh my...

TICK:   Thanks everyone for tuning into another strange but interesting bout. This is the TICK Heroic Sports Broadcaster Person signing off for Batdude and crew. We'd like to give special thanks to the people of Tokyo for being such good sports about all this. Hey isn't that Callisto's private jet taking off without us?


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