THE SCENARIO

THE SPORTS BOX

PAT:   Hello and Welcome! We are Live on the Convention floor for a fight which... well, I don't know... would you go so far as to call this Riviting, Jay?

JAY:   And I'm Jay Peoples. Well Pat, this is the scariest bunch of people I seen since the crowd at Elvira vs. Vampirella. Today, we watch hardened X-File, Star Trek, Star Wars and Xena fans having it out to the bitter end.

PAT:   Well, I tell ya' Jay... the unwitting spectators closest to the epicenter of this brewing volcano of combat will certainly be talking about it for years. This could be good.

JAY:   Even better than the Keebler Elves vs. Rice Krispy Elves fight a couple years before?

PAT:   Guess we'll have to let the viewers at home be the judge on that. Lets take a look in the mailbag...

YOUR OPINIONS

Favorite letter of the Week

Paul G. writes:

Congratulations on 100 matches from all of us at WWWF Ground Zero. May you be around for 100 more. Now, down to business.

I am going to assume that our combatants here are men, as women tend to be smart enough to just stab each other in the back instead of resorting to violence. With that said, let's break it down into key factors:

THE RAGE(tm, WWWF Grudge Match(tm))
TREKKIE: There is a Warsie in the room.
WARSIE: There is a Trekkie in the room. However, I sense Mutually Assured Destruction by slapfest.
XENITE: Leather underwear plus sweat equals serious wedgie. The Xenite should have tons of the RAGE(tm). However, I doubt he will be able to move...
X-PHILE: "The conspiracy story will be resolved by the discovery that the entire show is just a daydream of Chris Carter's dog." You just *know* that this idea is festering the RAGE(tm) in his subconscious. Anyway, heads in the fridge would make for a good episode.
ADVANTAGE: X-PHILE!

THE BABE FACTOR(tm, WWWF Grudge Match(tm))
TREKKIE: Seven on Nine is a mondo babe but she has no interest in romance. That leaves the Trekkie with the unenviable choice of the annoyingly irrational B'Elanna Torres, the annoyingly self-righteous Kathryn Janeway, the annoyingly dead Jadzia Dax, Grandma Crusher and just plain annoying Deanna "I Sense the Blindingly Obvious - Damn, I Am Showing My Age - Why Don't You Meet My Even More Annoying Mother" Troi. It makes you want to join the priesthood.
WARSIE: After Leia, the next available female is an Ewok, though I suspect Chewbacca might look good after ten beers or so. No wonder Han did those Kessel runs so quickly...
X-PHILE: Dana Scully: intelligent, attractive, less emotional range than a Furby. It's like loving an ice cube. Also, she works with dead bodies...
XENITE: This is the first TV show ever to be filmed exclusively in the Playboy Mansion compound. Any show that is supposed to have Gabrielle represent an average looking farm girl is just oozing, er, gushing, er, whatever the Babe Factor(tm).
ADVANTAGE XENITE!

HERO EMULATION (fanboys love to copy their heroes)
TREKKIE: "Captain, I found somethi... AAAAAAHHHH!" *thud* "Maybe, if we talk this over we can come up with a diplomatic sol..." *disintegration* "OK, now you've made us mad! Set phasors on STUN!"
X-PHILE: [cell phone] "Scully, I think I have found..." *thud* "Mulder?!"
XENITE: A 130 pound woman, without getting a scratch, is going to beat up three dozen armed soldiers by dancing on their heads. Translation in Reality = Full Body Cast.
WARSIE: *Deep Breathing* *Deep Breathing* "What are you wearing, baby? You make me so hot!" *Deep Breathing* Well, at least he is conscious.
ADVANTAGE: WARSIE!

OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE (Conventions tend to have Sci-Fi celebrities. They could become involved.)
WARSIE: "Hello, Harrison Ford, I need you to come down to this convention and beat up..." *click* *dialing* "Hello, James Earl..." *click*
X-PHILE: Since David Duchovny and Gilliam Anderson work for a TV network, they are barred by contract from getting involved in anything that could cause injury, though if Duchovny wasn't such a wuss, this might make a good "When Special Agents Attack" episode.
XENITE: The only thing Lucy Lawless is giving any man wearing her outfit is a restraining order.
TREKKIE: Conventions are always crawling with Trek actors for the simple reason that they have NOTHING BETTER TO DO. Trekkies are their meal ticket. I am sure that Jonathan Frakes can find the time in his busy "Alien Autopsy 2" schedule to brutalize some fanboys.
ADVANTAGE: TREKKIE!

BATTLE CRY
WARSIE: "May the Force Be With You." The only Force that this guy has experienced was after a bad meal at Taco Bell.
X-PHILE: "The Truth Is Out There." When he realizes that "The Truth" is he has never had a date and still lives with his mom at age 45, he will be reduced to a neurotic whimpering shell of invertebrate mush.
XENITE: Um, "YAYAYAYAYAYA!" Add repair of vocal cords to hospital bill...
TREKKIE: "Live Long and Prosper," "Beam Me Up, Scotty," "Resistance Is Futile," "This Is a Good Day to Die," "To Explore Strange New Worlds..." By the time he gets to "Damn it, I'm a doctor, not a _______," someone has knocked him unconscious with a Franklin Mint Limited Edition Collectors Plate.
ADVANTAGE: NONE

OK, we need a tiebreaker. Well, since fanboys tend to be geeks (like myself):

BEST GEEK ROLE MODEL
X-PHILE: The Lone Gunmen: So pathetic, the Cigarette-Smoking Man doesn't even bother shooting them.
XENITE: Joxer the Mighty. What can you say of a wannabe warrior who has a one inch sword? Even ever-tolerant Gabrielle can't stand him.
WARSIE: C3PO. After a half dozen games of Rebellion listening to his status reports, I consider his voice to be psychological torture.
TREKKIE: Barclay. Bent space with his mind. King of the Geek!
ADVANTAGE: TREKKIE!

The Trekkie butchers the other fanboys worse than a Star Trek: Voyager writer on a script.

The Return of Rich Stellato writes:

Huh. If you guys were looking to throw us a curveball, this was it. Great match! X-Philes and Xenites are rank amateurs at being rabid fans, so they are quickly knocked out. Trekker: "You have challenged the honor of Seven of Nine by comparing her to one who wears cinnamon pastries on her head. Be brave, for today is a good day to die." Warsie: "The Princess commands the hearts and minds of millions. Your female Borg commands about two minutes of screen time per episode. If you will not be turned, you will meet your DESTINY!" The two collide in a vicious battle that decapitates several bystanders and upends several dealer tables. In the end, security forces overwhelm both fans and the fight ends in a draw...A clear victory by either side would be the ultimate violation of Good Guy vs. Good Guy Fight Rules (TM) and the universe would cease to exist....but the debate would yet rage on.

Anonymous writes:

Let's look at the contestents one by one: Xenite: He's a xenite. By default, he gets pounded to infinity and beyond. Trekkie: He's made one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia. But almost as famous is NEVER admit to being a Voyager fan when death is on the line!!! X-phile: My image of an X-phile is a nerdy pale teenager with no fighting skills whatsover. And very likely, that conviently placed bat is actually a styrofoam bat, to keep the X-phile from winning the fight and learning about the conspiracy. Warsie: He wins the first fight. But,... Immediately after vanquishing the X-phile, Trekkie and Xenite, the Warsie is challenged by a man carrying a wooden pike. The Warsie is trashed, and the man with the pike walks away, saying only, "Ivanova is God."

DamieN Brimstone writes:

At this very moment, the Star Wars franchise is making millions of dollars on merchandising from a movie that hasn't even been released yet. Meanwhile, the Deep Space Nine series is preparing to photon topedo itself, Voyager still sucks, and Star Trek Insurerection... no comment. Poor Xena's ratings have been getting pummeled harder than Evander Holyfield by Lennox Lewis. As for X-philes, well, the movie was bit of a dissapointment at the box office, and next season will be the show's last. And what does this tell us, everyone, it tells us that the Star Wars juggernaut is unstoppable, and that destiny itself is on the side of Star Wars fan (I really hate term 'Warsie'). When all is said and lone, dark figure shall be standing over the fallen bodies of three losers, AND HE SHALL BE SHAKING HIS MODEL LIGHTSABER AT THE SKY IN TRIUMPH!

Maj. Zuckuss writes:

that the Trekkie and the Warsie, after having watched many colleagues battle each other fruitlessly on sites all over the web will decide to leave the fight, being so sick of it all. The Xenite and "Filer", not really understanding each other's world will look at each other confused. "Balalalalalalala!" the Xenite cries. "Huh? Are you trying to communicate in some long-forgotten language?" the Filer asks. And with that the Filer suddenly finds his posterior the new home for the Xenite's homemade chakram. But as he goes down, the Filer blasts the Xenite with his "authentic" .45 water pistol full o' tabasco sauce. The Xenite totters, not quite out when *ZZZZARP* *CLANG* the Trekkie and the Warsie finish him off with a cattle-prod "lightsaber"/Bat'leth combo. The nigh-impossible has happened. The Trekkie and the Warsie, seeing how very alike their worlds are and the futility of their brethren's fight, have joined forces. Alas poor Xena, she had not a chance... "Well," the Trekkie says, "maybe there can be peace in the Federation, huh?" "Young fool," quotes the Warsie, "only now, at the end, do you realize the truth..." and the Klingon wannabe, hampered by a code of honour falls to the might of the Emperor's cowhand! BWA HA HA HA! Let there be war once again!

T-1000 writes:

This should be a good fight. Here is my analysis on this match. Trekie Fan- Believes that she is a klingon. Is carrying a klingon weapon. Strength: Has the best looking weapon of all of them. Weakness: She is compltely deluded and will probably kill herself trying to preform some kind of courage enhancing Klingon ritual Warsie- Has helmet and a kind of body armor. Only one with body armor of all of them. Weakness: Believes that the force will enable him to win. Will probably panic and go nuts when he discovers that he can't use it. X-Phile- The most intelligent of all of them.( No, really) Weakness: Poor weapon. He is the only one of all of the fans who probably doesn't spend time at home trying to do the action stunts that the rest of the fans do with their shows. Xenite- Best weapon. Looks like a pretty muscular fan anyway. Weakness: Will probably try to do some master acrobatic trick which his body is completly unprepared for. Here's what happens. The star trek and star wars fans attack each other and we will see once and for all which is the better outer space series. After a while, the trekie wins because the star wars fan is too busy tryng to use the force. The Xenite and the X-phile will duke it out but the X-phile will probably notice the Men in Black display and go over to find the truth. That leaves the Trekie and the Xenite. Just as it looks like the Xenite is about to win, he is attacked and beaten to death by a rabid Callisto fan.(yeeaah)That leaves the trekie as the winner.

Sven writes:

Xphiler? PLEASE! What's a conspiracy theorist gonna do in a battle circle? Watch for Black Helicopters? What's a Warsie gonna do? No seriously good hand-to-hand anywhere in the movies that doesn't involve a lightsaber. It's the Trekkie vs the Xenite and that's a done deal. How long have the Xenites had to prepare for this battle? Six years or so? HAH! Trekkies have been doing hand-to-hand since we first learned the 'KIRK 2 HANDED BACK CHOP'! Time and training will prove themselves superior every time.

Charlie Princeton writes:

Oh, man, the Phile is down by heavy points... I'm not a fan of fan-boy-ism in any form, so ideally, I want to see a huge meteor put all 4 freaks out of their misery. But barring that, I'll go with the X-Phile. How else can he fight except for deviously? He'll withdraw to a shadow and light up a cig while the other three wooden-weaponed nutballs brain each other, probably breaking their cheap-ass homemade weapons in the process. Then the Phile will return to administer a fine dose of Louisville Pine to the battered victor.

jimmy delpino writes:

Star Wars all the way baby!there is no way some little candy-ass trekkie is going to whup a star wars fan. Listen up, Start treek fans have both sexes involved. And they don't care how dorky you are, you'll probably get some from one. Whereas Warsies are predominantly male, So we never get any. This fan is probably in his mid 20's, that's over 20 years of sexual frustration to work out on the little trekkie. And Star trek preaches peaceful resolutions to problems, they are usually pacifistic people, so there goes fighting experience to the Warsie, who believe that sometimes a good asswhupping is just what someone needs. And as for those other 2 jerkoffs, they will probably take themselves out. the Xenite will break their neck trying to do some fool ass stunt, and the X-phile will probably have a heart attack because they thought the flying Xenite was a UFO. So there. The 2 X's will become greasy stains on the pavement and the Star Wars fan will beat the trekkie like all 4 of them beat their meat. Fast, Hard, Furious, and will finish in under 30 seconds. By the way, My friend the devil says hi. He is a little insulted at the editors comments toward him, but he is ok. I would like to say thanks for the page, and I hope we see a 200th, and even a 500th issue. I have been on vacation and can't wait to see what i have missed while I was gone. Rock on brothers and sisters.

Xena's Lover ! writes:

Umm I got just 1 question do ya have the the name and phone number of that fine looking Xena-Fan ? Cause man she is HOT !

Pyromaniagirl writes:

As a fan of all of these shows, the PyroGirl's decision was truly a hard one. She contemplated all the possible outcomes and came up with this. Gather round, boys and girls, cause the fat lady is on. First of all, the X-Phile is taken out right away. Take a look at him. We have skinny dork wearin nothing but an alien t-shirt. When you got a rabid, and I must said rabid Trekkie wielding the real and quite sharp Bat'leth (Yes. This has happened before. The PyroGirl is being quite serious here, kiddies) that he got custom-made for a couple thousand bucks, you gonna get a few ouchies involved, ain't ya? I'll say so. Besides that, the X-Filers are in search of aliens while to the Trekkie and 'Wars fan, it is obvious to anyone with half a brain that there are. Bye bye, my X-Files friend, I'll see you in Hell. Now on the arena is the Star Wars fan, the Trekkie, and the Xena fan. Looking at the Warsie and realizing, *Hey! His costume is plastic, and his light saber just plain SUCKS!* the Xenite and the Trekkie are going to take this poppycock out real quick. Now the real battle begins. A real Bat'leth vs. a real sword. Well, let me tell you that any person willing to wear that Xena outfit has got to be two bricks short of a house. While insanity is usually a good thing, for the Xenite, this time it is not. Distracted by people laughing at his flabby body in that ulgy outfit, down comes the Bat'leth and let me tell ya, kiddos, heads are gonna be ROLLIN! Muahahaha!

Nine writes:

Even though I would probably be classified as a 'warsie', I have to say the Trekkies are invicible. They cannot be killed, because they never had any life to begin with (Shatner's words, not mine--*S*). Seriously, the devotion to the original 60's show has lasted over over 30 years and without a doubt has superseded in both quality and quantity the level of enthusiasm shown by the Star Wars camp. Let's face it...the overhyped previews, which brought new meaning to the term "trailer-trash", have produced more yawns than the last 45 minutes of Titanic. We needn't mention the lukewarm following the X-files and Xena have. Duchovny's name is just too hard to remember, and their plotless movie didn't last very long at the theaters. Xena has a following of wannabe goths, but will forget all about Xena once they graduate high school--sort of the way I forgot about the Banana Splits once I sprouted pubes.

Shane writes:

These fanboys are in very unaccustomed territory for them: real life. The winner will be the one who can actually deal with this strange concept. The Xenite will be too encumbered by his stiff and unyielding leather outfit and, by the looks of him, by severe sexual confusion as well. He'll be screaming, all right, but not with rage. The Warsie will expect The Force to do the heavy lifting for him, but 'letting go' that way just guarantees that all he'll feel flowing through him is his own escaping blood. The Trekkie will be torn by conflicting instincts, the Klingon bloodlust and the wimpy Federation desire to reach a negotiated settlement. While he's wrestling with his inner Picard, he's likely to find a blunt object going where no one has gone before. The X-Phile, on the other hand, is used to fighting alone against a vast array of strange creatures and hostile forces. The most exotic thing he depends upon is a cellular phone, and unlike everyone else, his item will work, calling in reinforcements which, in this case, he really doesn't need. He expects no help, and thus is grimly determined to win out, whatever the odds, no matter who ridicules him. The alien abduction/government conspiracy nut wins, by virtue of being most in touch with reality.

xX-EtRiGaN-Xx writes:

What a match up! An entire group of testosterone brimming, comic book reading, role-playing, worthless trivia mastering MISFITS!!! I'SN'T AMERICA GREAT!?!?! The one place where you can see an entire convention of people with one mind frame in common, totally turn on each other and reduce the whole center to rubble. Though the contenders are tough, I would have to put my money on the Warsie... First of all, we are talking about a clan like grouping of movie fans so involved in the movie they even came up with blue prints of the lightsabers (I should know, my friend ones a copy). So, not only are they fighting him, but about 1/3 of ALL, i repeat, A-L-L Sci-Fi fans. Second, this guy more than likely has some very good strategic thinking, as well as mind games-playing capability, hence why he is wearing the Vader outfit. So, this is the way I see it. The X-Phile gets it it first when the Trekie and the Xenite team up using their Make-shift, hero/heroine based weapons. Then, thinking to do the same to the Warsie, they turn to him. Knowing the minimal intelligence of the Xenite, he uses their insecurity for leverage. A comment such as, "That Klingon told me that Xena couldn't defeat Warf if he was a quadrapelegic!" coupled with a brief explanation of what a quadrapelegic is, will cause the Xenite to quickly turn on the Trekie. Using the larger weapon, and better skill, the Trekie will quickly disembowel the Xenite, and turn, fuming to the Warsie. Thinking quickly, the Warsie will begin gathering the force, and, being afraid that the Warsie actually can manipulate the great power, the Trekie, will charge him. But since we all know that a Warsie CANNOT channel the force, he will simply side-step the rushing Klingon-wannabe, laughing the whole time about the Trekie's stupidity, trip them, and cause them to fall on the Xenite's discarded sword. Well, the Warsie wins, and will more than likely be teleported to an orbiting Star-Destroyer, probably an Imperial Class, and will be jetisoned into space for staining the image of the great, dark lord.

Bri Rob the Caveman the 2nd writes:

The Warsie's gonna win it. you know why? because everyone else SUCKS!! yeah, that's right. EVEN CALLISTO!! aww, am i dissing your favorite midevil blonde chick? bring it on, blondy! i'm tired of you throwin around my boys Pat and Jay! yeah, i'm makin a public challenge! next CBUB!! you know what? that wouldn't even be fair! we can go with a team matchup. me and the predator vs you and the other chick who you got ripped off of. be there, punk!

The Cat writes:

I won't comment on these losers. Tip to the Xenite (or whatever they're called) that make-up makes you look fat. Tip to to others: find a job. Guys, Guys. I wouldn't date any of these losers and neither would any other girl. So it doesn't matter who wins, none of their genetics are gonna be passed on. Let then die, they serve no purpose in our evolutionary path.

Shylock writes:

Hmm... Where are Sinbad fans? Oh yeah, there are none. Now that the ugliness is behind us, I would vote on the Trekkies. I almost voted on the Warsies but thought how likely they are to bring one of those plastic collapsible Light Sabers (with sound effects). When facing two teams with wooden bludgeons and machine aluminum Bat'leths, even the Hasbro Imperial armor is going to crack pretty quickly under the repeated blows of multiple fan-boys and girls. Warsies are the first to go. The X-philes will then be next to eat the floor. Klingons and Xenites would team together to eliminate the unworthy, non-warriors. After a quick five minutes, it'll be Intergalactic Dorks v.s. Grecian Geeks. Xenites would soon try to pull-off some outrageous move but the direct combat styles of the Klingon pretenders would quickly put an end to it. Nicked, aluminum Bat'leths take out dull, cracked, wooden swords. Trekkies will stand in victory and then collapse in exhaustion.

Carnibavore writes:

I would imagine that they'd all tip over from the physical exertion of lifting the weapons, since hours in front of the TV and computers have left them with barley enough energy to pleasure themselves with Pamela Palm and Vickie Vaseline. Since this is CBUB, I'll put aside basic logic. I see the Warsies taking it. Trekkie Klingon wannabes and Xenites will start off strong eliminating the X-philes; plastic badges and rubber-band guns won't do much against wooden swords and Bat'leths. Next to go are the Xenites. The taste of victory will spur them to try something more daring. Some will be eliminated upon breaking their spines attempting ridiculous flips, other will be bludgeoned when trying to deploy the nerve pinch, and sadly, bad aim will cause large amounts of Chakram friendly-fire. The Warsies, however, remembering the teachings of Yoda (and every other frigggin useless fact) has remained calm, fighting the nemesis from within, while allowing the physical enemies to rip each other limb from limb. After defeating the X-philes, the tired Klingons will find themselves faced with fresh, battle-ready Jedi Dorks. The Terkkies will put up a valiant last stand but ultimately fall at the feet of the Empire of the Nerds.

The Chubby Bullfrog writes:

Well, I could just look at this in terms of who they're fighting for. In that case, Scully is right out, 'cause she's not THAT hot. But it's a tough call as to who's the best babe between Leia, Seven, and Xena; so I look to their supporting babes in each series. Clearly, Leia's up the creek w/o a paddle here--she's got no support. So she's gone. Then, there's Seven, who has the support of Deanna Troy, BOTH Daxes, and Bilanna. But then, Xena's got babe-support out the butt--we're talking Gabrielle, Calisto, Aphrodite, the three clones of herself, and all the Amazons! So this goes to Xena. That's how it COULD happen. But it doesn't, because the real deal here is fighting. So let's look. Right off the bat, the Xena fan tries to do some sort of weird flip move and lands on his ass like an idiot. At the same moment, the Warsie and Trekkie immediately storm each other and start to beat the crap out of each other, 'cause, come on, it's Wars vs. Trek--it's bound to happen. Meanwhile, the X-Phile is just watching in the background. Which doesn't please the Xena-ite too much, and he charges. Of course, he's still trying to look like Xena, and he can't, so he ends up looking like Joxter and getting his ass kicked. Meanwhile, the Trekkie has kicked the Star Wars guys ass, mainly because the Warsie keeps trying to choke him with the force and, gosh darnit, it won't work! But the Trekkie has taken major damage. Just as he finishes trashing the Warsie, the X-Phile comes and finishes him off with a nice ol' bat to the head. And game, set, and match goes to the X-Phile. But here's what really happens: I like Xena and X-Files, but I like Star Wars and Star Trek better. I like them very much. But if I had to live in one universe, I'd go into the Star Wars. So I choose Star Wars. See, this is what happens when you watch "Clue" too many times!

Hackrat writes:

It's the trekkie godammit! Everytime people think of sci fi conventions they think of star trek! Dammit Starwars are just movies, star trek is a series, movies, and part of our culture! The rabid trekkie knows everything from plot inconsistencies to klingon! The rabid everything else barely knows anything! and 7 of 9 is way better than Leia with the skin tight suit! Dana Scully's also cool too, she'd look better in the suit but it's Jeri Ryan in that suit so it's cool.

Roland writes:

Geez, with all this geekdom in one place, the only real winner is the guy who brough a gun and put them out of my misery.

Wolf Leader writes:

Assuming this doesn't turn out to be number of fans vs. number of fans, here's my take: I think that the Xenite will fall first because he will try to pull some crazy jump/martial art/Xena-style move that will invariably end with him flying out the window, effectively removing him from the fight. Next to go down is the X-phile. Let's be honest, when was the last time one of the agents beat someone up in a straight and evenly matched fight? Anyone? That's what I thought. This leaves the Trekkie and the Warsie. Now THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is a clash of the titans! These two fans represent the two largest groups of rabid fanatics in the world! This will be a close one. However, the Warsie will win. Who are the only fans to be made fun of by William Shatner? Trekkies. What was the lady who was kicked off of jury duty for refusing to not wear her "uniform"? A Trekkie. Who has to rely on several series of shows for their fanatic hunger? Trekkies. The Trekkies are obviously the weaker group. The Warsie, on the other hand, is of a crowd that is more rugged and had stood the test of time, relying on three movies and a twenty year dry spell in which they had only the books to turn to. Also, they are currently recieving reinforcements from the coming of Episode I. The Warsies are powerful and are increasing in strength everyday. ALL HAIL STAR WARS!!!!

Corwyn writes:

The Force is with US
not them Trekkies (hey hows your moms basement?)
Im sure the XPhans will bail, the whole convention is rigged to get them to show up so aliens can probe their rectums
Xenites? Callisto will kill them at the door, for their insolence Whereas those of us who use the force will revel in the empty con suites
full of thousands of useless scifi tidbits and innane doodads of warsie goodness
which we will then take home to fill our mothers curio cabinets, after all its not just a movie
its a religeon!!!!!

Lumpenprole writes:

There is just no contest; the Trekkies invented fandom elevated to the status of mental illness. A few who haven't been institutionalized yet actually believe that Star Trek is REAL, that a time paradox is in the process of making that future come true. Star Wars fans are basicly little kids playing Jedi Knight; Trekkers are DANGEROUSLY PSYCHOTIC!!

Sindel 77 writes:

Happy Hundreth everybody! Wow! 100 great fights and more to come! Thanks Pat and Jay, you've givven me allot of laughs and hard choices these past battles! Now, concerning the fight. It can't get any better than this!

1. Ah, the Trekkie. Been around for thirty years, havn't quite, and even supports the crap thay're delt with. (DS9, Voyager) That's dedication! These guys will be hard to beat, but I think all that dedication will leave them winded, and they'll come in third.
2. The X-Phile, weird, sick minded geniuses. They should put up a good fight and come in second.
3. The Xenite. These guys don't stand a chance. What are they gonna do? Give a war cry and show some lesbo action? I mean, have you ever seen Gabriel and Xena?! Not that there's andything wrong with that! These guys will be dead last.
4. Finally, the Warhead (my own term) I myself am a dedicated fan. With the special editions and prequels, we've gotta a lot of internet fans. These guys can be good (rebel fans) or bad (empire fans), and thean you've got the people who enjoy both. There's no way this can be beat. Star Wars is gonna triumph in the end.

Well, that's about all I gotta say on the battle. Till Next Time, peace and love everyone!

Topcat writes:

X Files and Xena havn�t been around long enough for their fans to understand and develop the fanaticism required in a fight like this. That just leaves the Wars fan (which are called Star Warriors BTW) The Trek fan will be too worried about not violating the Prime Directive to be able to fight. There is much more fighting in Wars than in Trek which will help its fans develop a little combat ability while the Trekkie taking lessons from his favorite show will try to negotiate his way out of situation without fighting. Furthermore, a wodden light saber is much easier to use than those clumsy Bat'leths. The Warriors have waited over 15 years without a new SW movie proving they have better endurance. Now that Episode 1 is finally comming out, they are ready to kick some serious butt. Which will be more difficult, fighting your way into the theaters this May or turning on the TV to UPN? The Warriors are quickly preping themselves for the frenzy this year and will easliy pound anyone who gets in their way. The Trek franchise is in serious decline showing that its fans are losing strength (Insurrection had almost no backing what so ever). Besides, in all of these fights on both this site and WWWF Grudge Match, when ever Star Wars goes against Star Trek, Trek ALWAYS loses! P.S. You forgot the Babylon 5 fan with his Minbari fighting pike.

HotBranch! writes:

The Xenite has it in the bag. Fuhgeddabout the weapons, the Xena fanboy has something none of the others has (with the possible exception of the Warsie): pent up sexual frustration(tm)! Seven of Nine and Scully might be babes in their own right, but they never approach nudity. The sexual frustration of their fanboys is akin to the arousal one feels when confronted with a girdle ad in the Sunday Times. Lie down, you two, and play dead. Good fanboys... The Leia in a golden bikini schtick is good for fantasizing, but ever since "Friends" did their parody of it, it has lost all wood-inducing power. Besides, it was a brief occurence, after which we never saw more than Leia's head or hands. If that weren't enough, Carrie Fisher is Shirley Mclean's daughter. Do you really want to fantasize about reincarnated booty? Xena, on the other hand is always in revealing outfits. Each and every episode finds Xena in an outfit that the pathetic fanboys keep hoping might fall off. (Like it would get past the editing room anyways!) The pressure build up of the Xenite's inability to get laid (I wonder why that is?) will result in a dramatic explosion that takes out the three other fanboys. Despite being dead, the Xenite wins for having killed his opponents. Lucky for the rest of the civilized world, the fanboys are all dead and we can safely log onto the internet without being besieged by no-life losers. Of course, without fanboys, WWWF Ground Zero could be in trouble... Can I vote again? Congrats to the CBUB staff on hitting the century mark.

Pete writes:

Trekkie: Believes that humanity will eventually put down its weapons and explore the galaxy together. Deluded. Fat boys. X-Philes: Concerned with the possibility of life on other planets. Not so concerned with life on this one. Paranoid. Rail-thin. Smokes heavily. Warsie: Thinks the Force gonna save his ass. Also fat boys, but well-armored ones, usually carrying weapons. Slight edge there. Xenites: People who enjoy watching beautiful lesbians beat the crap out of anybody and everybody. Well-adjusted. Wiry and strong. The result? The Xenites will be triumphant.

RoadKill writes:

It is with great reluctance that I vote on this at all, but I have decided that only Star Wars will prevail. The Xenite will likely impale ITself on ITs sword when IT trips over ITs cape... the treckie will wail in pain when the phaser that was purchased for $59.95 only makes noise, but the X-phile will run away convinced that the alien is wielding a great power and will scream "The Truth Is Out There" as he runs into traffic and is run over by a bus advertising the X-File movie (I love Irony)... but the whack-happy Warsie will be convinced of his great power and whack the unsuspecting Treckie upside the head... But in the end, all of the survivors will see the inside of a padded room before long...and then, young Jedi, You Will Die!

Silent Knight writes:

Reasons why The star wars fan will win:

1. The X-phile wouldn't know what a real fight was if he was in the middle of one
2. The standard trekkie, while knowing the powerful, yet fluid intracacies of the Bat'lah lacks the actual physical strength to lift it, let alone weld it as a weapon!
3. All the Xena fans are gay
4. The general population loves star wars
5. The general population hates star trek and thinks trekkies are a bunch of sad lossers
6. All the Xena fans are gay
7. Ewan McGregor is 400 times cooler than ANYONE that has EVER been on Star Trek. This is a reflection on the average star wars fan, who is (in general) 400 times cooler than the average trekkie
8. The X-phile has spent too much time reading junk on the net about alien abductions. The average star wars fan has experienced them (after getting drunk out of there brain at the pub)
9. How many Trekkies went to a movie JUST to see the ST9 trailer?! THAT'S dedication
10. All the Xena fans are gay

Chris Redfield writes:

Get real, folks. How can the Xenite possibly lose? The trekkie, warsie, and x-phile are basically all the same--nerdy little guys who will never get a date in their entire lives, and have always avoided physical confrontation by running away when faced with a possible situation. The only thing that could work for them is pent up sexual frustration. The Xenite, on the other hand--most Xena fans are butch, feminist, well-muscled, deep-voiced aggressors who enjoy any excuse to beat up a male. Also, (this is true) a great deal of Xena fans are female prison inmates. Let's just say that Big Bertha is allowed out on probation to attend this convention, and this crap breaks out--there WILL be blood at the convention, all right.

HexxJo writes:

Ok, let's break it down like this: Xenite: Obsessed about a cheezy syndicated show that'll be lost to the streams of nostalgia in 20 years. 1st to go... Xphile: Obsessed with a show that's considered a modern classic. Let's emphasize "modern." The X Files doesn't have the firm grounding that the last two competitors has. 2nd to go... Trekkie: Obsessed with a true TV classic. But then there's Voyager and Deep Space 9, which have soiled the name of this legend. Despite that, the legend still has legs. It'll go down to a final showdown between him and the... Warsie: Obsessed with what one could consider a modern myth-- something that will stay with us for centuries to come like all great stories. Also, were any of the Trek movies named to the top 100 movie list? Do any of the Trek movies share a place along side Citizen Kane and the like. I think not. So, on grounds that the Warsie is obsessed about a true cultural icon and not some silly fad show or cult phenomenon, only he can rightfully claim this title. If any other obsessed fanboy were to win, the gods would be angered, chaos would insue, Y2K would hit a few months early, and the world would end most abruptly. The Warsie must win for the sake of civilization itself!

Goldeneyed writes:

Sweet Christmas, it's the battle of the geeks! Well, let's see how this fight should work out, shall we? Let's do this with the main character of every property fighting each other. It's more fun that way, and the strength of the fans should depend on the strength of what they're a fan of. Xena, Captain Kirk, Luke Skywalker, and Agent Mulder step into the ring. Let's get ready to rummmmble!!! Kirk leaps in front of Xena, and...asks for her phone number. Why aren't I surprised? Owch! She hits harder than you'd think! Here comes Luke with his lightsaber... ewww. That's not a way for Xena to get aHEAD in life (Austin Powers joke). So Xena's toast. Kirk's mighty pissed! I guess he actually thought he would get lucky! Mulder taps Kirk on the shoulder. Mulder's...asking him about aliens. *Yawn* Kirk repeatedly punching Mulder in the gut. Things are looking to get exciting(finally)! Mulder gets a good shot in, but it ain't enough! Kirk tosses him outta the ring! It's just between Kirk and Luke now, and this is gonna be good!! Kirk comes out swingin', but Luke kicks him where it hurts! Ooh...bad times for Kirk! Kirk pulls out a laser, but Luke kicks it away. Kirk clocks Luke! Luke's bleeding now, but he's FAR from giving up! Luke kicks Kirk but HARD in the kisser! Luke clocks Kirk again and again! Uh oh... Luke's lookin' mighty grim as he pulls out his trusty lightsaber... Well, the trekkies have a reason to cry themselves to sleep tonight. Luke wins!! So, there we have it! The Star Wars fans are stronger, and capture the win. And with the upcoming flick, why SHOULDN'T they!?

Daki writes:

As an avid fan of the Cons....I must give my vote to the Warsies. Not just because I am a SW Freak who can quote all three movies verbatum (not a joke). Let's analyze this carefully... Star Wars memorabelia costs more, on average, than all the others combined. In a brawl for it all, if one of those expensive collectibles is broken, the owner is going to go buck wild on whoever broke it (probably a Trekkie). Now, one may bring up the fact of sheer numbers. Well, think on this...all conventions typically have comic books there and comic book fans. Now think about Silent Bob. Here's a guy who thinks he is a Jedi Master and has written some kick ass comics of late. He will OBVIOUSLY be fighting for the Warsies...and his comic book fan base will fight with him. That will swell the ranks of the Warsies and give them an overwhelming advantage in numbers. To summarize, the expensive collectible / Silent Bob combination will bring the Warsies to the empitomy of victory, standing over the corpses of the infadels who dare worship others.

LVtheman writes:

This is truly a battle worthy of 100. My hat is off to whoever concocted this one. Being a Star Wars fan from birth in the 70s until the day I become one with the force, I say the Star Wars fan wins. Why? Well, look at the obvious. In our electronic arena, the trekkies may yet pull this one off. Their demographic is the one most likely to sit in front of a computer all day and vote at sites like this. Right away we can discount Xena fans, because the whole xena phenomenon is too new to have developed a cult status like Star Wars/trek. X-files, I fear may be saddly under represented, on account of this being a conspiracy to weed out the true believers and eradicate them with silent helicopters. However, Star Wars fans are most likely to be out getting real jobs and taking active parts in society. This is the way of the Jedi, so it is the way of the "warsie." -I have no idea how this name came about, but I guess it could be worse. At least no well known Star Wars actor has been seen on saturday night live telling all of the fans to "get a life."

Azrael: Medium-Gray Lord of the Sith writes:

While the others are considerably more angry, Star Wars is the only one of these genres that has characters that know how to fight. Here's how it goes: Trekkie: What do main characters do in star trek? Dive for cover and let the ensigns or aliens take the shots for them. That freak looks like an ensign. WHAM! No Trekker. X-Phile: I'm sorry, but do X-File characters even get into fights? No. The Xenite could take this boy down. Xenite: Once the Xenite even tries to attack, from the years of sitting on the couch to watch TRAINED ACROBATS perform those moves, he pulls every tendon in his body, leaving him open to the trained lightsaber attacks of the Warsie. The man in the Darth Vader costume wins, easily. And where the Hell are the Babylon 5 fans? Or do they count as normal, sane people?

The Infinite Goof (aka A Rabid Anime Fan) writes:

This match boils down to one thing: Demographics. Who watches what. The best way of telling who's going to win any fight is knowing the attributes of each fighter. So, with that in mind, let's look at... The Average Rabid Trekkie - Pasty, and perpetually boring. Not much on the muscle scene, either.
Mental Image: Milhouse from the Simpsons.
Effect on the fight: Minimal to nil. (If he doesn't lose his glasses in the first 5 seconds of the match, he'll be knocked down during his extensively long William Shatner impersonation) The Average Rabid X-Files Fan - Pasty, and Paranoid. Muscle scene varies. The tendency to stockpile weapons against the "gov'ment" might have played a signifcant part in this battle if it wasn't for the metal detectors at the front of the convention.
Mental Image: Think, Dan Quayle meets David Koresh.
Effect on the Fight: Comedy Relief (Due to his naturally suspicous nature, the X-phile should come to the sudden realization that his current opponents are actually agents of a clandestine group whose sole purpose is to cover up the fact that Elvis is actually still alive. He shall then try to get the entire convention's attention by yelling at the top of his lungs "Conspiracy!", point, and start chanting "the truth is out there", during which he'll pass out while reliving one of his media and peer pressure induced imaginary alien abductions.) The Average Rabid Star Wars Fan - Pasty, and perplexingly clumsy. Possibly older than anyone's father. Due to the great likelihood of a mask (Chewbacca,Darth Vader, and the random Ewok), or some sort of helmet (Luke's Flight Helmet, Princess Leia's Hair buns) vision and/or Hearing will be limited, thus giving him little chance in this battle.
Mental Image: Think, A 40 year old Trick-or-Treater.
Effect on the fight: Angry child at Toys R Us. (Those plastic lightsabers hurt!) The Average Rabid Xena: Warrior Princess Fan - Pasty, but pumped. Whether it's the big, butch, muscular woman type, or the drunken frat boy who watches in the dark with a box of kleenex, we're usually talking about mass, and a lot of it. Once they start throwing it around there will be hell to pay. As long as they don't get tricked by the complex plot schemas of a Fist fight, they should be the final victor.
Mental Image: Think, anyone from the 1989 Chicago Bears frontline in a wig.
Effect on the Fight: Last man Standing (After all, plastic swords, cheap make-up, and a beer gut are anyone's combination for the "Ultimate Warrior") Well, there you have it. Xena fan takes all. However, none of these fine combatants could have stood up against a Rabid Anime Fan. Nothing can beat a pasty, self deluded, sexually frustrated, coffee engorged animator.

THE BATTLE

JAY:   It looks like the battle is about to start. Why are they fighting again? Oh, which show has the hottest babe.

PAT:   And there we go!! Trekker makes an opening lunge towards the X-Phile as the Xenite deftly blocks the opening swing of the Warsie.

JAY:   The Treker has the homemade Klingon Bat'telh, a big advantage there Pat. Wait, the X-Phile has pulled a gun... a water gun that is.

PAT:   Och! Nothing more irritating than a squirt to the eye! The Trekker's opening gambit is foiled as he flinches is surprise... Wait! In one swift move the X-File has out a heavy flashlight... follows through with a sucker smash to the Warsie's head!!!!!

JAY:   Incoming Xenite doing a semi successful spinning kick attack and knocks down the three other competitors... Opps! Unfortunately the Trekker, the X-Phile and the Warsie get right back up and they look mighty pissed Pat.

PAT:   The three advance on the Xenite en-masse... Might be the constant, ear splitting combat shrieks emmanating from the Xenite... like listening a chalkboard being sanded by a butter knife... that has driven them to this

JAY:   The Xenite is now being pummeled from all sides with assaults from the Bat'telh, the Light Saber, and the Heavy Duty Flashlight! Owie! Owie!! Owie!!! Such savagery and the Xenite is battered to the convention floor.

PAT:   The three share a moment of satisfaction as they look down upon the battered she-male....

JAY:   They're eyeing each other now, three of them left and they know someone is going to be doubled teamed... Like it or not.

PAT:   The X-Phile senses the conspiracy and launches a preemptive strike!! Big flashlight meets rubber Klingon forehead as the X-phile smashes a foot into the Warsie's knee!! Ouch!!

JAY:   Though the ridiculous rubber Klingon forehead shielded the Trekker from the blow, he is left standing on rocky knees. The Warsie's Darth Vader outfit also had padding to protected him... or is it a her?

PAT:   It's pissed off is what it is, Jay.....

JAY:   Whatever! The Warie's grabs the X-Phile by the collar and delivers a massive headbutt to him with that massive helmet!

PAT:   Ouch! That's Gotta Hurt! The X-Phile goes careening over a table full of cheap sci-fi jewelry!! Bajoran ear-rings fly along with rewter R2D2 necklaces.

JAY:   The Trekker moves to strike the Waries from behind but he turns at the last moment facing him...

Warsie:   You can't win Trek Fool! The Force is with me!

Trekker:   Oh yeah?! Can you do this?

JAY:   The Trekker flashes the Vulcan hand greeting! Low blow!!

PAT:   Wait!! The X-Phile is back.... launching himself at both Warsie and Trekkie... diving from across the table!! Foam sprayes from his thin-line lizard lips as he screams of the conspiracy! The conspiracy! THE CONSPIRACY!!!

JAY:   The Trekker and the Warie just watch ... taking one step back as the X-Phile lands face-first on the floor... Ow! The dental work! The dental work!!

PAT:   Wow, the spectacle is really beginning to draw a crowd. Lets go down on the convention floor now with our own Sideline Commentator Harlene Quinzelle.

Harley Quinn:   Hi gang! Well I been around and saw a lot of strange things but this is the most geek filled crowd I have ever seen! Look at them all dressed up like its Halloween with silly customs and hats! I mean, were talking a three ring circus! Opps, never mind... Back to you guys.

JAY:   Finally remembered what you are dressed like, Quinn? That's our girl!

PAT:   Thank you for that insightful report. The Star Wars Fan and Star Trek fan are circling now. The crowd of convention misfits are shouting and egging them on. Cam-Corders everywhere snap to life. Flash-bulbs light the hall. It's an epic confrontation in the making...

JAY:   The Trekker moves first with a powerful swing of the Bat'telh while screeching something in Klingon. Probably something about honor and to the death, whatever.

PAT:   Parried by the Star Warrior, who attempts to immediately do a full spin on his heel... bringing his lightsaber back the other way.... my... that was poorly executed...

JAY:   The Trekker just side steps and pushes the Waries into a neighboring vendors table knocking it over. Gloss photos and entire rolls of poster goes flying everywhere!

PAT:   Oh, that's perfectly good merchandise. The humanity! Wait!! The Warsie picks up a mint condition, rolled 1979 Star Trek The Motion Picture poster and threatens to bend it!! The crowd gasps in dismay!! He must be using the Dark Side, eh Jay?

JAY:   That pure evil there Pat, no doubt about it. The poor Trekker looks torn in what to do at the threat of that poster being defiled. He looks about, trying to find something to use against the Waries.

PAT:   The Trekker... inspiration striking... grabs an original 1981 remote control replica Jawa Sandcrawler which has never been removed from the box!!! Oh, mexican stand off!

JAY:   This looks bad, theyre both play a game of chicken. Is there anything that can break this stalemate?

Enraged Vendor:   HEY! You break! You buy!!

PAT:   Few things in the world are poorer than a rabid fan on day two of a major convention. Both lower the merchandise slowly.... And charge!!!

JAY:   Cut, parry, thrust, dodge! The Bat'telh against the glow in the dark Light Saber. What courage of our two fighters are showing, what skill, what... I cant believe that Im getting excited over this odd match!

PAT:   Wham!! The Vader mask is rocked as the Trekkie gets a good shot in. The crowd cheers as the Warsie stumbles back....

JAY:   Warsie falls... Trekker moves in to finish him off! The Warsie looks for something to use against the incoming Bat'telh, he needs a distraction. He grabs something and holds up a photo of... Captain Kirk?

PAT:   The Trekkie stops his swing, mid-air... loses balance... the Warsie kicks out hard.... Trekkie goes flying back into a vending table filled with action figures. This could be the break the Warsie needed...

JAY:   Quickly grabbing his Light Saber he rushes to stand over the fallen Trekker and demands...

Warsie:   Yeild. Turn to the Darkside. It is your Destiny.

PAT:   The Trekker is torn.... No... it's the upstart Kirk inside him that makes him defiant.

P>Trekker:   Yo're not my Father... and I'll never rule the universe with you.

Warsie:   Ah... young fool... only now do you understand....

JAY:   The Warsie embraces the darkside and wails on the Trekker below him. Owie! The Light Saber might be made of plastic but it must still hurt like hell.

PAT:   It's a shame to see a person give in to the Dark Side like that.

THE FINAL VOTE

'Nuff Said!

FINAL VOTE:

Star Wars Fan: 827

Star Trek Fan: 612

X-Phile: 277

Xenite: 194

THE WRAP UP

PAT:   Well, that's it. Come on, Jay.... Mark Hamill will be signing autographs!

JAY:   Mark who? Oh, yeah... that guy who was in Corvette Summer. Pictures for this weeks big fight came from:

X Convention

Demon Press Klingon Assault Group (Must be seen to be believed)

Dragon Con '96 - '97 Costume Event Photos (Awesome con costumes!)

CBUB: The Comic Book Universe Battles