THE SCENARIO

THE SPORTS BOX

JUSTICAR:   Welcome everyone in our massive viewing audience to the elegant StrangeFate Memorial Dining Hall a few heel-clicks away from the revered Khazan Wizard's Guild. I must say beforehand certain budgetary constraints have been placed on us by Callisto due to the moving of our home offices in Wonderland to somewhere in Limbo. We apologize beforehand for our COPS like foot pursuit of the action, and by the way I'm Justicar. We're currently sitting, observing what can be referred to as dinner, as Lina Inverse has forced to kitchen crew to work double shifts re-stocking the salad bar. I believe that the group has met to discuss ground rules for a contest.

DamieN:   Greetings again everyone, this is DamieN Brimstone. And frankly, I'm not sure what's more disturbing: That way that anime chick can blow through that much salad, or the fact that she seems to be pawing a man old enough to her...well... really really old ancestor. On second thought, from this vantage point, it seems that her hands are more interested in Gandalf's ring, Narya. And speaking of rings, let us use this opportunity to thank Elminster for providing us with these exquisite excalibur-class Anti-magic rings, to shield us hosts from any mystic side effects this contest might bring about. Elminster, the official Ring Provider of the C.B.U.B. *end shameless promotion* I see signs of some painfully strained attempts at small talk going on. Yes, it seems clear now, that thieving little Lina is trying to get him to talk about his elven ring, and I think Gandalf is beginning to wonder what he saw in this woman to begin with.

JUSTICAR:   Heh, Merlin seems to enjoy watching Gandalf on the defensive for once. Merlin polishing off his meal with a bit of cherry cheesecake, how appropriate, has decided to take the initiative. He's leading Lina over to what appears a magic mirror of some kind, not unlike the mirror in Snow White. So much for resisting Eisner, anyway. He appears to be showing Lina images of his vast magical experiences. Particularly his creations of science and magic. Yes, Lina is definitely interested in Merlin's goodies.

DamieN:   But Gandalf seems interested in Merlin's scientific and magical philosophy. My word, he's got a look of utter disgust on his face now, as he starts ranting at Merlin. Let's see if these cheap mikes can pick up what he's saying.

Gandalf:   "You loathsome, heretical *crackle*! How could one such as you, trumpeted as being among the greets of wizardry, dare try to mix magic with the sciences in such manners. Have you no respect, have you no concept of what is antithetical? Your combinations of standard herbal mixtures, physical inventions, and magical incantations are a disgrace! And do tell, what the *crackle* were you doing in some forsaken dimension needing help from an uninitiated brute like Hercules just recently.

DamieN:  Wow, it seems that Gandalf has just thrown down the gloves so to speak, not only questioning Merlin's ethics but his power as well. It's turned into shouting match now. He's difficult to understand with that thick English accent, but I think Merlin just made some derogatory innuendoes about Gandalf's lineage.

JUSTICAR:   Merlin is muttering something under his breath. It looks like he's invoking something. Now he's flailing his arms about. A quick crackle of energy has just erupted around Gandalf. Gandalf has been silenced. Merlin has turned away from Gandalf and is talking with Lina again. Lina is pointing to something on Merlin its a key of some kind. He appears quite proud of it and dangled it in front of her for a second, but put it back in his pocket. Looks like she aint getting that today.

DamieN:   Well Gandalf didn't take long to counter that silence spell. He's calling Merlin over, apparently he just wants to talk privately. Wait, Lina is starting to come over, but Gandalf shot her a dirty look. Hey, it seems she's quite content to leave quietly. Could she be up to something, or does she realize that this just isn't a good time?

JUSTICAR:   Merlin is walking over to Gandalf. He just winked at the retreating Lina. I have to admit he still has a youthful swagger for an older man. They are having a bit of a discussion. Let's invade their privacy and eavesdrop...

GANDALF:   Merlin you have got to come back your senses, she's just using us. She doesn't intend to be taught and guided. She just...

MERLIN:   Bah, You're just jealous you old fool. I'm fully confident that I can handle her ambition.

GANDALF:   We've heard -that- before. I do recall a -few- women in your past that left you high and dry. By the way where did she go?

MERLIN:   Huh? Wait! **franticly searches pockets** DAMN!!!

DamieN:   Well, it looks like Merlin has been pick pocketed, and I think we all know whose responsible. Both he and Gandalf appear to sense danger, and they just vanished from the dining room. You know, I try to unbiased as a host, but I think anybody who's let something that is obviously vitally important get lifted off them so easily deserves a beat down. Now then, as our two man commentary tries to hitch a ride to the Khazan Wizard's Guild in pursuit of our contestants, lets take a look at what you the viewers have to say about this match up.

YOUR OPINIONS

Esrom writes:

I have to pick Merlin. Merlin is not only the most famous of all wizards, but also the most mysterious. No one really knows his origins. Some say he is a servant of pagan deities who 'retired' when Christianity became dominant. Others say he is the son of a demon, even the Devil himself. He is credited with the creation of Stonehenge. He can transform himself and others into other forms. He can see into the future (some even say he actually lives backwards; it's too complicated for me to go into here, but that's another part of the 'coolness factor'). Stories about him have been told since before 1000 AD. Gandalf, by comparison, is a 'Johnny-come-lately'. Sure, he battled the Balrog, got Bilbo and Frodo (and friends) out of a few messes, and helped defend Minas Tirith, but I'm not sure he's quite on the same level as Merlin. He doesn't quite have the same aura of mystery about him. And I don't recall him shapeshifting or seeing into the future without the assistance of Palantirs (Middle Earth's equivalent to crystal balls). So, all in all, I think Merlin will wrap this battle up quicker than you can say 'eye of newt'. **Justicar's Favorite Letter of the Week.**

Zelgadis writes:

It is not just who can destroy the other, but rather who Lina will select as her new mentor. To determine this, as both are of similar magical power, only one thing should be considered: Who would piss Lina off less? It is clear that Gandalf would piss Lina off to no end, for two important reasons: First, he is enigmatic. The only enigmatic person Lina deals with on a regular basis is Xellos, and she is not about to study under someone who evades questions and conceals the truth even more than the trickster-priest himself. Second of all, Gandalf would simply remind her of Rezo, the Red Priest, who masqueraded as an ally until he revealed himself as the vessel of Shabrunigdo, the dark god.Result? Lina Dragu-slaves Gandalf the Grey and studies under Merlin, stealing Excalibur to so that she can trick Gourry into giving her the Hikari no Ken.

Skeearmon writes:

Lina Inverse is involved! HA! HA! I vote for her actually! DARE BRANDO! So much for those old farts..they should have done what she did and went to the NEVER TOO MUCH MANA Magic School. Everyone knows she's a destructive little tart!

Media Man writes:

Thing is, Merlin worked THROUGH someone. We've never seen him ONCE dirty his own hands. Some might say that Merlin is too powerful to dirty his hands on lesser foes, but I say it means Merlin just doesn't have the guts to stand on his own in a magical battle. Now, Gandalf, on the other hand, was actually ACTIVE during the war of the rings. He waded into the fight himself instead of training some little kid to do the dirty work HE could never do for him. Also, remember Merlin's weakness to pretty young girls: THAT'S why he's trapped in that cave in the first place. The Lady of the Lake seduced him and bound him with his own magics and Merlin didn't even KNOW he was in danger until, alas, it was too late. Gandalf has no such weaknesses and what's more we've seen him in action and he's quite impressive. Merlin had to work THROUGH people. Gandalf just worked by himself and had the power to do so exceptionally well. Finally, we have the killing blow: Merlin is a scientist! While not working solely with the sciences, that's his primary interest. If you've read the book The Legend of King Arthur, Merlin flat out states: I am a scientist! Though, this could be interpreted in many different ways. Many wizards use charts anf formulae to work their arts. However, even if he uses magical formulas (which I believe is the most likely scenario), he is still bound by the obscure focuses of the most ancient Order of Hermes; while they're powerful, they're so completely dependent on their charts and formulas and I doubt Merlin can chalk a septogram in the heat of combat. Gandalf is bound by no such rules. He just thinks "magic" and lo there is magic. Powerful magic. So, if Merlin is a TRUE scientist, Gandalf gets the drop on him since, well, Merlin has no means by which to harm him. If he's a magical scientist (someone who thinks up things like 'Merlin's first theorem of Eldrich Aerodynamics' and the like), Merlin is too caught up trying to cast a single spell by writing down some obscure equation and drawing tiny circles on the floor that Gandalf just gets him speed wise. Merlin's magic is ritual magic while Gandalf's is on the fly. It's as simple as that. No I am not a psycho. GANDALF LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joao Camilo writes:

Well, Merlin is Merlin. I don't think that Gandalf can survive a Disney attack...

But Merlin will win, you know why ? Gandalf is a Mage without a magic to fly ! He need to ask help form that Bird King ! He don't even have a levitate or a Feather Fall ! Merlin just have to jump and finish.

And C'mon, Merlin does the Camelot thing using humans...Gandalf have help from a lot of races better tham Humans ! Humans sucks in all rpg places...

Azrael, seer of serendipity writes: writes:

As powerful as Gandalf is, he can't beat the man he was based on. Merlin is root of all generic sorcerers, and, therefor, the sum equivalent of all their powers. No matter how powerful Gandalf has become, Merlin is far, far, far more powerful. Gandalf's going to be finding a new staff after this match. 'Cause Merlin just shoved his old one down his throat.

Dougan writes:

Merlin will rock this battle, without breaking a sweat. Going backwards in time has it's plus side. He'll know what's going to happen, and plan for all that Gandalf has got. Though both of them prefer not to show off their powers, Gandalf seems slower to actually cast a spell, preferring to outsmart his opponents. You can't outsmart Merlin. End of story.

Lord Adam of the Psychos writes: writes:

C'mon People!! How many fire demons has Merlin killed? How many times has he come back from the dead by the proclamation of God himself? Is Merlin considered the wisest person to have lived in his world? No, Solomon was, but Gandalf is considered the wisest to ever grace Middle Earth and Aman. No contest, Gandalf would rip Merlin to pieces, if for no other reason than that Gandalf can't be permanently killed, he just keeps coming back.

The Great and Powerful Wizard of Todd writes:

I have to go with Merlin on this one. Does anyone really think that some minor angel is going to defeat a being born of demons? Besides, as a wizard, I know them both and "Angel Boy" is the product of massive inbreeding!

Cobalt writes:

The Fight Mavens at CBUB have rubbed the Genie's Bottle of Whoop-Ass and BOOM!!! Nasty, bleeding chunks of David Copperfield decorate the landscape as far as the Eye of Agamotto can see (GOOD!!!)Boy, this is a tough call, as it always should be when you have 2 Forces of Light squaring off against each other. I think in this case, you have to look elsewhere for the answer; not so much the prowess of the protagonists, but perhaps the success of their charges, in each's chosen mythos.Merlin was there to help Arthur unite England, and defeat the evil forces arrayed against it. Gandalf, on the other hand, had to guide the Hobbits on how to destroy the One Ring, help Aragorn reclaim his rightful place as the True King, fight off the Nazgul and the Balrog, drag the HorseBoys into the whole conflict, etc., etc. Seems to me Gandalf had the much tougher road to hoe, and came through with flying colors.Besides, he wore a much cooler hat; Gandalf saws Merlin in half in this match... for real.nutes! C'mon, people, Gandalf's a fighter. Merlin, however, was put to sleep in a tree ages ago. Hell, even if it was a midget tossing contest, Gandalf would win.

writes:

O.K. First off, this is a mismatch. Merlin has demonic and godly lineage. he is the nephew of the Lady in the Lake for crying out loud! This not only gives him automatic genetic based link to any and all magic a mortal can perform, but also several godly forms uncontrollable for your common mortal. Second, he only fights for worthy causes, so the Lady of the Lake will definitely loan him Excalibur. Now that ends the match on its own, but for the sake of argument.... Say Gandalf succeeds in disarming Merlin, Merlin not only has access to his own innate and learned magical abilities, but more relics than you can shake Solomon's staff at. He'll easily fry, char, freeze, disintegrate, dissipate, and destroy Gandalf. After all, we are talking about the only sorcerer powerful enough to fight Mordred.

Whiplash Smile writes:

Time for a woman's perspective, boys! Well, first of all, Gandalf just doesn't have the sex appeal of Sam Neill! Second of all, Merlin hangs around dreamboats like Lancelot (purr!) and Galahad (spank me!), while Gandalf hangs around short guys with furry feet! Sorry, but if anyone's gonna teach this girl some new tricks, it's gonna be Merlin. I'll lock you the your crystal caves anytime sweeties! Kisses! P.S. FPL

Ryoko writes:

Actually, neither would win. Lina would see that they both pale in power compared to herself, and simply Dragonslave the lot of 'em.

Zisteau writes:

Merlin? Merlin? Who is this chump? What's he done? What's he accomplished? I've never even heard of this guy! (Hyperbole) Can he even light up a match? Could he hit the ground with a spell? Puleaaaaase!!!!! You're honestly going to put Merlin up against Gandalf? I honestly don't believe it! What were you guys thinking? Merlin? Maybe I read it wrong, maybe it was a mage with some sort of power, let me go check to make sure it says Merlin.............. I can't believe it, it is Merlin! Why didn't you nickname him 'lunch,' because that's what he's going to be when Gandalf gets through with him, yep, he's gonna get eaten for lunch, he's gonna get spanked like the proverbial 4-year old in K-Mart, he's gonna get dropped like a bag of groceries when the wife comes home and sees cthulhu sitting on her doorstep, hes gonna get slapped around like white trash, hes gonna get beaten like a fat lazy politician that just threw tomato paste all over Wolverine, he's gonna get slammed like any wrestler other that Goldberg in the known cosmos by Goldberg, he's gonna get pulverized like meat on frappe, hes gonna get smoked like a pack of Marlboro's, hes gonna get pasted like a kindergarten project with elmer's glue, he's gonna get destroyed like as in complete molecular disintegration, hes gonna get fried like Wonder Woman in that Marvel/DC crossover, hes gonna get trashed like, well, some trash, hes gonna get eaten like a big mac with mayo, pickles, and extra special sauce, hes gonna get outspelled like a second grader in a collegiate spelling bee, hes gonna get partied on like its 1999, hes gonna get.......

Mr. Graves writes:

You can't fool me! I know the truth! This match has to be a tie because they're both really Santa Claus in disguise! Think about it. St. Nick is an old guy with a white beard and is practically nothing but magic! He could easily have the elves sew him up a few costumes. And how do you think he paid the elves and paid off other expenses? Simple, he worked in King Arthur's domain or the land that the Hobbits live in between Christmases. With a little magic, he could easily put one over on anybody to convince anyone that he was Merlin or Gandalf. Sure, that trek to where the Hobbits lived was a long commute, but I bet the pay made it worth it for a while. But now those two occupations are no longer useable, considering England's now run by Tony Blair, and he finally got tired of traveling to an alternate universe, so this year, expect to see Santa Claus at his new job, posing as both characters in this week's fight (using duplication magic), and afterward donning a red, white, and blue outfit with a top hat and giving Uncle Sam the year off in coordinating this year's Independence Day celebrations.

Skunk writes:

Neither one of them will win, and here's why: They are both 1 and the same person, that jolly fatass known as Santa Claus. Don't believe me? Here, let me prove it to you...Let's assume that there are 5,918,642,778 people in the world. Now, let's assume that of those people, there are 2.5 billion children 18 or younger. Now, since the average household has 2.5 children, let's assume that only 1 child in each household lives up to Santa's standards for getting a present. Santa now has a total of 1 billion houses that he must deliver presents to. Now, if he starts in Anadyr, Russia, which is just west of the international date line, and travels east to west, he has approximately 31 hours to complete the task. Thats 111,600 seconds to visit 1 billion homes. So, Santa only has .0001116 seconds at each house. That's just over 1/10000th of a second, and assuming that each house is equal distance from one another, Santa has to travel 200 million miles. So when traveling from house to house, santa and his reindeer are traveling at 6,451,613 M.P.H. That's 1,800 miles per second. Now lets assume that every child wants a Nintendo 64, which comes in a box that is 1 cubic foot and weighs 4 pounds. Thats 10 billion pounds of Nintendo 64's. Now let's assume that the base of Santa's bag is 9 square feet. Stacking them all up, Santa's sleigh is piled about 277,777,777 feet high with boxes. That's over 52 thousand miles high. Now, let's say that the average reindeer can pull 300 pounds. By that figure, it would take over 33 million reindeer to pull his sleigh. If you assume each reindeer is 8 feet long, and they are lined up in 2 rows, Santa sits at the end of a line of reindeer that is 25 thousand miles long. That means if he turns around in his sleigh, he can probably see the first reindeer in the line, because the mass of mammals stretches almost completely around the world. So, as you can see, Santa clearly defies all of the laws of physics. You know what else defies the laws of physics? MAGIC. Therefore, only a supreme sorcerer (Merlin/Gandalf) would be able to pull off this magnificent feat. It it by this reasoning that I have come to the conclusion that not only are Merlin and Gandalf the same person, but they are also Santa Claus. *Whew!*

Dizzy D writes:

Gandalf has come back from the dead, as far as I know, Merlin never did. Merlin's only powers were his visions, but that won't help him against someone who knows how to wield a sword.

Andy the Anarchist writes:

As Damien said, Merlin moved Stonehenge, made King Arthur the legend he is, and most of all, HE SURVIVED DISNEYFICATION. How many other legendary characters can say that?

Well of Souls writes:

Gandalf all the way, not only is he one of the maia, but he also has the Ring of fire, one of the three three Elven rings. The elven rings were created in the height of Elven and Dwarven power, but their creator learned much from Sauron (although he never touched the rings). Whilst Merlin is somewhat powerful, is no match for one who faced off against the might of the Nazgul. Besides they say that Merlin could foretell the future because he aged backward. So he will know he looses and retire from the battle before either has cast a single spell. But considering that Gandalf never took a pupil, it makes this fight a bit useless really doesn't it.

Noah Johnson writes:

I'm going to omit the traditional cheap slamming of the character one didn't vote for, and instead say that with all due respect to Gandalf, he hasn't got the firepower to keep up with Merlin. Gandalf can do a lot of cool things, but his magic always seemed pretty small-scale, very rooted. With Merlin, it was always more a question of what, if anything, he _couldn't_ do. I've gotta give this one to the Archmage.

FallenX writes:

This seems like a really cut and fry match at first. But lets look at what the mages are trying to do- impress Lina Inverse. Lina is more flash than bang in her own magic so she'll probably be looking to find some new spells on par with the Dragon Slave. So I'm going for Merlin on this. Merlin has a larger special effects budget than the Matrix had hammy acting. Poor Gandalf is going to be left behind with his tried and true suttle uses of power. So Merlin for the win with a flash, and Gandalf goes out with his usual silent bang.

HexxJo writes:

Well, Gandalf has put up with more than one obnoxious, whiny, cowardly hobbit in his day. The guy has nerves of steel to go through that. Considering that, I really don't see Merlin being much of a bother. Oh, and Gandalf's intentions with Lina better be honorable. If he turns out to be of the lecherous bent, he'll be wishing he were still hanging out with those obnoxious hobbits...

Manveru writes:

As Manwe's Eternal Secretary I have known Gandalf/Olorin for quite a few millennia, and I must say on His Majesty the Elder King's behalf that the Grey One is quite a spiffy fellow well worthy of the honor of being named the Greatest Wizard of All Time

Nine writes:

Hmmm, I believe about a year ago I may have suggested this fight myself, but the database probably erased it. No big whoop.

First off, let me just say I think both of those old geezers spend waaaayyy too much time hanging around little boys. Whether they're named Arthur (the "sword-puller") or giving jewelry to hobbits, chances are they'd still qualify as a pedophile in most states.

Having said that, I voted for Gandalf anyway. You have to respect someone who can kick a Balrog's ass on its own turf. And then there was the showdown with Saruman. Hell, I'll even take back what I said earlier about the jewelry thing. Yep, no doubt about it...Gandalf is a tough old fart. All that will be left of that fruity Merlin is a charred skull and a dunce cap with tattered appliqu�s.

The Cat writes:

Okay Merlin, here's the deal. You set me up with Lancelot (or pre-Gwen Arthur) and I vote for you. Kay? Sorry Gandalf but I don't date hobbits and you don't have a good bribe for my vote then.

Arthur writes:

Merlin is a prick. Do this Arthur do that. Your a bastard Arthur! Why can't you be more like me Arthur?!? If Gandalf the White can't finish the job I will!!! I'll take Excalibur and shove it up his @$$!!!! Gandalf forever!!

NOTE TO LINA: Do NOT let the magician prick Merlin teach you!!! You'll end up with a bastard kid if you do. History always repeats itself.

IsoFlex writes:

a duel of the wizards hrmm reminds me of a certain CCG the prize being Lina Inverse's teacher i'd say they'd probably fight it out to see who didn't get Lina. I mean these two alone have guided the leaders and advised them through war. Though if it comes down to an all out fight Gandalf wins due to the sheer amount of firepower he has. Merlin if i remember is more of a pacifist than a fighter unless you count a well done made for tv movie, but hey it's a made for tv movie. The only way the twit from England with beat the Middle Earth Master is to wedgie him when he aint looking

Jingoro writes:

If Lina Inverse is the prize in this one, then technically there can be no winner. However, in end, Merlin calls in corporate favors from sixties and Disney lawyers bury Gandalf. Merlin gets Lina and will never have a scrap of food in his dwelling again. Gandalf gets runner-up prize Amelia and is forced to accompany her around Middle Earth using his vast powers to apprehend pickpockets and give corny speeches on how good justice is.

Chuckb writes:

There really is no comparison, here. Merlin (the _legendary_ Merlin) was half human, and half air spirit - able to use all his power. OTOH, Gandalf was an angelic being in a human body, and crippled by rules to boot. That Gandalf was able to accomplish so music while not able to use his full power shows his superiority. At least in my opinion.

Madfox writes:

Gandalf All the way, Merlin is just a magician mired in tales of old england, But Gandalf was the tops in power at the third age... FIZBAN!! What? Those two are wimps. Hon' stop typing on my computer. I paid for it, and Inverse should go talk to Fizban. Now there's a Mage Who could toss around a little Dragon Slave, um, I mean Fire balls. Darling please let me have my computer back. Stay back, I might not know how to use this but I'm pretty sure this button sends... Nooo!!!

THE BATTLE

DamieN:   We're back folks, and we're now on location in the archives of the Khazan Wizard's Guild, where we've tracked Linas movements. It seems Lina stole Merlin's key to the place, and she's having a blast looting the place of it's precious scrolls and artifacts. Shades of last week's fight as our two great sorcerers arrive, putting aside their differences to stop chaos from being wrought upon the land.

JUSTICAR:   And speaking of chaos, Lina has just kicked over the precariously exposed Orb of Chaos off its pedestal. Its crashing to the ground. My friends, this is -not- a good thing. I see colors...ooow.. lots of colors. They're washing all about. Merlin was at ground zero. I'm guessing that he's not feeling too spiffy. Wait, Lina just jumped onto some disc. She's turning into particles, there's a strange noise. She's gone. Now let's see what's up with...

DamieN:   ... Gandalf and...Merlin? Uh oh, Merlin's got an evil look his eyes, and he's suddenly taken on a bluish glow. This can't be good. OH, a sucker shot! He just launched an astral fireball that had Gandalf's name written all over it, literally.

JUSTICAR:   Wow! That caught Gandalf completely by surprise. The force of that blast alone leveled Gandalf. It sure is a good thing that he has that super-charged ring of fire protection. Gandalf shakes away the cobwebs and is casting a spell upon his blade. He launches himself at Merlin across the room. **crack** . The flat of Gandalf's blade just bashed Merlin. A wave of eldritch energy just flared around Merlin delivered by the blade!

DamieN:   Merlin's aura is visibly red now. He dives toward the floor and he's gone! He must have created a vortex in the floor to escape through. Gandalf will have to pursue. The unleashed chaos magic must be spreading, cause all hell is breaking loose in here. I'm talking about total pandemonium in the home of one of Khazan's most sacred institutions! Zatanna is going ballistic, some technocratic mages are dukeing it out, and my god, SIGFRIED IS ASSAULTING ROY! Disgusting. The air is vibrant with the effects from all the mystical goings on. Good thing Elminster gave us these protection rings, eh Justy?

JUSTICAR:   YES! My good man I do agree. Man this place is *crackle*. I mean the way Baba Yaga did the Dance of the Hundred Veils and looked good... very troubling. Yet one man here is still focused. Gandalf, has painstakingly powered up some divinations to ascertain the location of Merlin, in this whole mess no less, damn fancy prestidigitation. Now I believe he's preparing to face Merlin. DamieN what's the word on the street. Well... I know its not a street, but still...

DamieN:   Well, what do you know, if it isn't one of Khazan's most upstanding citizens, Autolycus. So what brings you here at a time like this? Revisiting old haunts?

Autolycus:   Now see here, while I am the King of Thieves, I'll have you know that I'm here strictly to lend a helping hand in this time of crisis. I mean, just imagine how profitabl...errr... I mean, problematic, some of this stuff could be if it fell into the wrong hands. With these wizards out of commission, somebody's got to see that all the valuables are safe.

DamieN:   Not to mention that all the security systems and booby traps are down, leaving all the guild's treasure ripe for the picking.

Autolycus:   Well, even though this building is on the verge of collapsing, and the laws of nature are taking a vacation, I would say that some of magical defenses are still operating.

DamieN:   Yeah, whatever. So what do you think will....

Burning magician sent flying across the hall screaming: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

DamieN and Auto:   DUCK!

Autolycus:   Yikes, I'm thinking that maybe this isn't the safest place to be conducting an interview.

DamieN:   I'm beginning to agree with you.

Autolycus:   Okay then, I'll lead the way. Let's hurray up and go!

DamieN:   all right I..ooompfh! You moron, you ran right into me! Get out of here, I'm trying to report from the middle of a fragging riot zone and I don't need bumblers like you around!

Autolycus:   Fine, suit yourself. Bye.

DamieN:   all right then, Justicar, back to...hey...where did my f*crackle*ing ANTI MAGIC RING GO?! For that matter, where the *crackle* did Autolycus go? Aw man, this can't be good....

JUSTICAR:   Hey DamieN what was that you were saying about losing important items so easily. HA! HA! Do you realize that you have the Bay City Rollers playing out of your *crackle*. Well anyway, I'm still here with Gandalf. He's located Merlin and there goes Gandalf off to a balcony. He's hailing the King of the Eagles to hitch a ride. Here comes the King...

Chaos magic: Bzzzzzzzzzzzap!

JUSTICAR:   The King of the Eagles has just transformed into Don Henley, the other King of the Eagles. Its a shame that he can't fly. Gandalf, unfazed by that tragedy has rummaged through the Archives and found a scroll of teleportation. He's incanting! Hmmm... there both gone. Now what in the hell are we supposed to do???

DamieN:   Well what have we here. A conveniently placed magical pool that's broadcasting a live feed of Merlin's activities. Hang on Justy, I just have to set up my camera and then we can both...ACK! Mm mm my, my hand, OH GOD MY HAND! Okay Damie, let's settle down there, I've got a show to do. *ahem*. Ladies and gentlemen, it would appear that my right hand just turned into a turnip! Damn that Autolycus, it's bad enough that all this magic is upsetting my allergies, but now I'm freaking deformed. It's gonna be a real bitch to set up the camera now. Let me tell you. I swear, when I get my hands on that guy I'm he's gonna die easier than vamp on Buffy. I'm gonna strangle him with his own intestines, I'm gonna rip out his collar bone and jam it though his foot, I'm gonna play Ping-Pong with his eye balls, I'm gonna...

JUSTICAR:   A-hem... well... let's just switch the feed to my mic whilst DamieN sets up the camera. Hmmm.... Ah! Interview... good thinking Justy. Wow... Lancelot Link Secret Chimp! No wait he's changing... Ack!

Borg Smurf:   You will be smurfed into the borg village. All smurfistance is futile.

JUSTICAR:   Well, let's just forget the interview and run like hell across the room to DamieNwhohasthecamerasetupbythepool!!

DamieN:   ... and then set them on fire and shove them up his ass. Whew, all better. Hey, it looks like Merlin at Stonehenge of all places. And from all those hand gestures he's making I'd say he's either trying to perform some sort of spell or he's signaling for somebody to steal third base. Wait, it's definitely the former, as those monolithic stones have all started to pulsate with blue light. From this vantage point, it sounds like Merlin's' muttering something about "sealing up that hussy for ever" or maybe "sending Hustler a letter".

JUSTICAR:   Ahh... I see by the pool cam that Gandalf is slowly walking up the hill towards Merlin. He's trying to calm Merlin down. Gandalf is imploring Merlin not to go vigilante and allow the authorities to capture Lina.

DamieN:   Merlin detects Gandalf's presence. He cuts loose with a lighting bolt sparking from one of the stones.

JUSTICAR:   Gandalf in a display proficient swordsmanship just deflected the bolt with precision accuracy.

DamieN:   Merlin wasn't playing around. That bolt was meant to drop Gandalf, and he isn't pleased that it was blocked so deftly. He's speaking in tongues now, undoublty trying to cast some sort of curse over his nemesis. Wow, the archaic words are actually materializing in thin air, or maybe it just looks that way to mean thanks this new third eye I've sprouted.

JUSTICAR:   Gandalf's up to bat now. He's taking some kind of talisman out of his pocketses and hurling it at Merlin. There's a sparkling golden aura about it. It looks like its going to hit Merlin. No! Merlin dodges it without missing a beat. It bounces harmlessly off to the side. I guess that Gandalf was trying to foul up Merlin's activities or dispel something. Gandalf is distressed and is hastily running up the hill.

DamieN:   Whatever ritual Merlin has been conducting here seems to be at an apex, the sky above the Stonehenge is literally crackling with energy. I haven't seen so much other worldly electrical activity since, well since the Highlander battle . Whoa, there are four orbs of bright light coming down from the heavens, orbiting the ruins in a tight pattern. Or maybe there are actually five lights. Either way, this is getting freaky. You just know that something BIG is about to go down.

JUSTICAR:   "There are four lights!!", but anyway! Merlin has utter contempt in his eyes. I don't understand any of this magical lingo he's spouting off, but all the "Lina's has been replaced by "Gandalf's. So in my laymen's opinion this spell is now meant for Gandalf. Gandalf isn't going to make it in time. The orbs are spinning around Gandalf , the energy, all is crashing down upon Gandalf's position outside the Standing Stones.

THE FINAL VOTE

'Nuff Said!

FINAL VOTE:

Gandalf: 535

Merlin: 389

THE WRAP UP

DamieN:   Wow! All that energy just came down upon Gandalf like a wave and it didn't even phase him! How can even he have withstood that. Wait a second, that isn't Gandalf, according to this talking head soda bottle next to me it's an illusion. Folks, Merlin has been duped! Now the real Gandalf the Grey is right behind him and he doesn't even realize it. He'd better turn around quick or else.

JUSTICAR:   Gandalf's not going to give Merlin that opportunity. Gandalf has his cudgel raised behind Merlin's head. Oh where going to see some serious smackdown here. No... with a controlled blow Gandalf lightly taps Merlin's head. A blue wave of magic is cascading down Merlin's body. Merlin is KO'd. A whisp of smoke has just lifted from Merlin's head. I'm being told by the Audry II that the chaos madness affecting Merlin has just been cured.

DamieN:   Well, things seem to be settling down back here at the Wizard's Guild HQ. Merlin must have channeled all that unconfined chaos magic in his failed spell against Gandalf. The walls have stopped shaking, the magicians have stopped fighting, and the auto kill security systems are back online. I guess we've got good old Gandalf to thank for that one. But no sign of Lina, or that dirty bum Auto. And for you female viewers, you can relax, all my deformities have gone back to normal. And thus ends another magically destructive C.B.U.B. event. So, for the Justicar, this is DamieN Brimstone, saying Good Fight, Good *crackle.*

DISCLAIMER / NOTICE:

Merlin (TM) is the property (c) of Briton (I think)

Gandalf (TM) is the property (c) of J.R.R. Tolkien

This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.

CBUB: The Comic Book Universe Battles