THE SCENARIO

So who should wear the title of Miss Queen of the Damned?

Should it be Vampirella, who uses her seductive beauty to satisfy her needs for human life sustaining juices?

Or possibly Elvira, who uses her bodacious bod to lure you into sitting through some really bad movies about vampires?

You be the judge!

Join us now for a battle we had to call...

This fluffy bit of cheesecake was home brewed by Ferret & Slug.

THE SPORTS BOX

SLUG:   Welcome to Khazan Convention Center, where we have a doozy of a battle for you. It's not a battle, really. It's more of a sexist display degrading to women everywhere.

FERRET:  You say that like it's a bad thing. You've got to admit, we probably have the greatest job in the world right now. We're getting paid big bucks to watch Vampi and Elvira flaunt their wares. Can't beat it. Well, maybe we can beat it. Before you give us your first impressions, Slug, wipe off the drool, its unbecoming, even for a Slug.

SLUG:   Oh... Thanks! Well, we started with over 50 candidates, alive, undead, and various stages in between, all vying for the title of "Queen of the Damned." The judges have narrowed the field down to two righteous babes! No, I guess "righteous" is not exactly the proper term, is it Ferret?

FERRET:  But "babes" certainly applies. Here comes Vampirella now. What a "hotty". The judges sure have their work cut out for them. She reminds me a lot more of a goddess than a vampire. Is that a body to die for, or what? Have I mentioned I love skimpy red costumes? "HEY VAMPI ! BITE ME ! BITE ME!"

SLUG:   Oh, and my drooling was unbecoming! But, I'm with you in spirit, man, because here comes Elvira! "Hostess with the Mostess" doesn't even begin to describe this seductive piece of work! Oh, man, I'm sliming all over myself here! It's a good time to go to spectator comments!

YOUR OPINIONS

Favorite letter of the Week

Mr. Silverback writes:

After checking Vampirella out, Elvira knows that there is no hope of winning on looks, she's foxy, but outclassed. She slips backstage and re-emerges as her alter-ego: Cassandra Peterson! The pageant screeches to a halt, then the audience begins to laugh. Certainly this woman doesn't seriously expect to be named Miss Queen of the Damned. But then the screams begin. The pageant has become a little too high-profile, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer is staking everyone in sight backstage. She charges onto the stage, brushes past Elvira and leaps into the judge's pit with a stake in each hand and one clenched between her teeth. A week later, everything has been sorted out and Elvira wins by default. Unfortunately, she uses her new position to promote her animal rights causes, and this is her downfall. When she dies during an animal rescue later that year, the police are never sure whether the needle-like teeth marks in her body are from the enraged minks or vampires enraged by the sight of the Queen of the Damned cuddling fuzzy little animals. Left without a Queen or a runner-up, the judges draft Amanda Bearce and force her to spend a year pretending to be the vampire nymphette from "Fright Night."

Gefilte Fish writes:

I know some will say Elvira, because she is a real person and Vampi is a comic. To them I say, "what are you doing visiting CBUB"? Aren't 90% of these things comic related? Others will say Vampi for what are obvious reasons. To them I say, "I like the way you think"! Vampi rules, Elvira drools.

The Bunyip writes:

I see as of my vote that Vampirella is in the lead... sheesh! Lets see, comic book drawing vs. a REAL human female with a REAL chest (at least, real enough...) and a real name (Cassandra Petersen, IIRC) My verdict? Stake the heart and chop off the head of the 4-color comic chick. I prefer women who at least exist in 3 dimensions... (My grandpa might say "kids today, sheesh!", but I think that's a given...)

The Evil One writes:

Hats off to Slug and the Ferret for a real winner this time. We can't lose. Our Queen will be an awesome one. I'll be proud to service either one or even both

Sailor Xena writes:

I pick Vampirella because she looks better in her skimpy outfits. She's also a vampire which is cooler then being on cheap cheesy movies.

JAD writes:

WHO CARES WHO WINS. SOMEONE PASS ME SOME DOLLAR BILL AND A TOWEL. POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF THE G-STRINGS!

Crimson writes:

Elvira takes this one in a landslide. First off, she has the experience to back herself up. Know who she's based on? Anyone seen "Orgy of the Dead?" Elvira is no petty hostess, she is the newest incarnation of the demon Ghoulita, who delights in devouring flesh and.. a few other things. Vampirella wears a cheap little costume and when potrayed by a real-life person looks, let's face it, ridiculous. Elvira's got the moves AND the ability to make it in the real world, not some comic-book world. Elvira's got the body, the voice, the experience, and sheer unadulterated sexiness Vampirella lacks. Vampirella? Sorry, sweety, you're out of your league.

Backflip writes:

I can't believe you actually expected me to chose between the two! Such a choice is near impossible! Elvira luring you in to watch horrible movies, or Vampirella luring you in to drain you of life. Both horrible deaths, but to decide which is worth it? I reluctantly say that I will go with Elvira on this one. Not to say that Vampirella is a beauty worth dying for, but with Elvira, at least you get a break from the movie.

Firestar Artemis writes:

Vampirella wears a more revealing outfit. Elvira stole the act of the 1950's star Vampira. And this should go to the Anne Rice character, Queen Akasha, not either of these upstarts.

JonnyAce writes:

I'm sure it's been said before, but why go for flesh when you got ink? Paul Simon said it best: "If you took all the girls I knew when I was single, And threw them all together for one night, I know they'd never match my sweet imagination, 'cuz everything looks worse in black & white." (Kodachrome)

Wolf Leader writes:

I just wanna say that Vampirella is hotter looking than Elvira and if worse comes to worse, Vampirella will seduce the judges into voting for her and then kill them before they change their minds. If Elvira has a problem with that, Vampirella will have no qualms about killing her too!

'Lord' Rev. Dr. Paul Soth writes:

Hmm, when it comes to ageless beauty, i gotta go with Elvira. She deserves recognition alone for the simple fact that she has maintained a body like that for so long. Hell, i once caught a re-run of CHiPS with her in it. Almost 20 years, and she still looks that good. I'm quite amazed. Also, after years of guest appearances on crappy shows (including that lame Super Mario Brothers show), she's gotta have something to show for it. Hell, she deserves some sort of Lifetime Achievement Award for all the work she's done for b-movies, TV, and lonely guys. She is legend. It would be wrong NOT to award her.

Atomic Skull writes:

Vampirella is a comic book character, with the kind of figure that only the imagination of a horny comic artist could conceive..

LordChaos writes:

Elvira all the way.... I mean, she is THE BABE here... and we all know what that means.... btw - can you set me up with a date with her?

Hackrat writes:

well I assume this is kinda like the Ms. America contest I'd go with Elvira hands down. Although Vampirella is as curvy as mountain road I'd have to go with Elvira, she really is the hostess with the mostess, especially in the chestus department.....uh back to my opinion. Elvira is the true mistress of darkness, with thighs creamier than cottage cheese. Think, who reads comic books? Little kids! Who watches Elvira? guys who buy beer and people who watched her movie. Well that's my opinion, much better than some of those Elvira on Vampirella comments you'll probably get.

Nine writes:

The models who have played Vampirella haven't done justice to the original pulp comics of the seventies. In those classics, she was better drawn in every possible sense.

Elvira, on the other hand, has only gotten better. She started out as a hostess, then a spokesperson for Coors. But the intro failed to mention she made a full-length feature film.

The Mistress of the Dark created by the lovely Cassandra Peterson has also been portrayed by the statuesque Darla Crane. The Elvira character will go down in history as the Betty Page of the last 20 years.

WhereWolf writes:

Finally! A battle that's tough to decide. (Last weeks match, of course, being a total waste of my time, as nobody really gives a damn about Darkseid OR Apocalypse... and the match between Thrawn and Breetai was so one-sided it was pretty much a "no-brainer"). Kudos to you guys for this one!

I love the artwork in Vampirella, 'specially the covers... (no matter who draws her, the chick's a righteous, albeit unholy, Babe!) But I hadda' go with Elvira. The lady's got a kinda' magic and can enthrall an audience with only a sidelong glance and a smart-remark. Don't know how many times I've found myself sitting through those B-movies, unable to reach for the remote control to save the few remaining brain-cells in my head. If she can do that to me, she can do that to jus' about anyone. Those judges are toast, dude.

THE BATTLE

FERRET:  Alright, someone let the loonies out. Yeah, like I'm gonna set him up with Elvira. If I could do that, I'd be setting her up with me. I see the contestants and the judges are ready.

SLUG:   Yes, and we have come to the talent portion of the event. Elvira is up first, and she has a big screen TV with her. Oh, this is amazing. She's got every spectator watching William Shatner's "Kingdom of the Spiders" and liking it! Now, Ferret, you have to admit, that takes real talent!

FERRET:  It just occurred to me; William Shatner is one of the most under appreciated geniuses of our time. This is a good movie! Great acting, great directing, great script, GREAT GOBS OF SIZZLING SPECTATOR, Vampi has thrown one of the spectators through the television. Guess showtime's over. Maybe Vampi is on the side of "good" after all. She sure saved us this time. No telling what Elvira could have gotten us to watch. Of course, the poor spectator may not be too happy about it. But, his death is not meaningless. It means Vampi is up next.

SLUG:   I don't know if "People Throwing" is a talent or not, but, I like it!

FERRET:  It seems choreography is her talent. Vampi has just begun making some serious moves to that old favorite of mine, "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap". Vampi is simply awesome. Can you imagine some of the positions she can get in being able to move like that? Looking at the Judges, they seem to be able to imagine it. I don't even think they are blinking.

SLUG:  Yeah, I think she is, literally, working some kind of magic! I'm not ashamed to say my tongue's getting hard. Yeah, she sure seems to have an advantage over... who was that other chick, again?

FERRET:  Elvira, Slug, Elvira. And she better make a strong comeback in the Question and Answer portion. Here's how it works: the Judges ask a question, usually one with deep social and/or moral implications, and the contestants answer. Elivra won the bloodletting contest earlier, so she gets to go first. Here comes the question:

Pageant Judge:   Using an analogy of a traveler on a journey, How would you describe your life?"

Elvira:   That's easy, my life is a highway, men are the pitstops. The highway is in Transylvania, mind you, so, once I've used a man, I ensure there's nothing left for all the rest to play with.

SLUG:   What a way to go, huh?

FERRET:   O.K, now Vampi steps up to the microphone. Here comes her answer....

Vampirella:   We are all travelers in time. Like the prevailing winds and currents that used to propel sailing ships across the oceans, time is a constant force which moves us forward--second by second, minute by minute, day by day. It moves at the same steady pace for all of us. While the forces which thrust us through our time travels may be beyond our control, the direction of our travel is up to us....

SLUG:  O.K.! We get the point. Would someone tell her to shut up? HEY VAMPI, move on.

FERRET:  Quiet Slug, you got a death wish or something. Lets hear her out.

Vampirella:   ...We can't fight the wind that is always blowing or change the fact that the sail of our ship is always up, but we can hold on to the rudder and steer. Savvy travelers use maps to navigate their journey through physical space. It is no different for our journey through time...

SLUG:   Is she still talking? Okay, let me see the rules! There has to be a time limit on this drivel!

Vampirella:   ...Each of us can create maps of our lives, maps to show us where we have been, and maps to indicate where we might go. We need to chart that map in such a way as to work to our greatest advantage...

SLUG:   *Snore!* What? Oh, she's done? She's done! Of the possible answers to that question, that was all of them, I think!

FERRET:  So far, this contest is really close. I think Vampi got way to carried away on that answer. She's got to learn to go with her strength, her great looks. Face it Slug, this in not an intellectual contest. If it was, Elvira would certainly not be here. I do have to give Elvira the nod on that answer. Even Jeff Gordon would like that pitstop.

SLUG:   This is certainly going down to the wire! So, what's up next for our Evil Wenches?

FERRET:  My sheet says the swimsuit competition is next, Slug.

SLUG:  Are you nuts? Vampirella is going to put ON more clothes? As if!

FERRET:  I'm sure of it Slug, it says right here, swimsuit competition. As dumb as that seems, Vampi may have to get dressed.

SLUG:  No, here she comes with her normal thong thingie on. What's she doing? She reaching back to undo the clasp? We'll see her in all her splendor! That's not legal, is it?

FERRET:  I have a ruling from the competition committee: swim wear is defined as what the contestant would normally wear while swimming. So it would seem, Slug, that if Vampi swims in the nude, its legal.

SLUG:   Do you happen to know the pools she frequents? I, for one, am glad that the rules read that way. I don't think it would be fair to take off points for the display we're seeing now! The question is, how will Elvira counter this move?

FERRET:  Frankly, Slug, I don't think Elvira can recover. Vampi seems to have captured the entire event, fair and square or not. I know that I can't seem to look anywhere e l s e........

SLUG:  You may be right. It appears as if the judges are locked in, as well. In fact, they look as if they are in a trance! That's it, they are mesmerized! Now, I know this isn't legal! Somebody has to do something about this misconduct! What are your thoughts, Ferret?

FERRET:  Must have Vampi. Must have Vampi. Must have Vampi.

SLUG:  Oh, no! She got you, too! I guess it's final, then. There's no one left to protest to.

THE FINAL VOTE

'Nuff Said!

FINAL VOTE:

Vampirella: 328

Elvira: 214

THE WRAP UP

SLUG:   This is Slug, signing off for Ferret, saying thanks for allowing us into your lives. Ferret?

FERRET:  Must have Vampi. Must have Vampi. Must have Vampi.

SLUG:  Yeah, what he said! Must have Vampi. Must have Vampi. Must have Vampi.

DISCLAIMER / NOTICE:

Elvira (TM) is the property (c) of Herself

Vampirella (TM) is the property (c) of Harris Comics (I Think)

This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.

CBUB: The Comic Book Universe Battles