Protest letter of the Week
The Match Maker writes:
I am going on record here officially protesting to this week's match. For the love of goodness, wholesomeness, decency, and mercy! This is low. I consider myself a fair and impartial man. But this is just too much. I can not, I WILL NOT, just stand by and watch good decent things get slaughtered by unmerciful fiends. This is just too much for me to handle. I gritted my teeth at the portrayal of the Betty vs. Veronica match. I have forsaken the "Babes Gallery" due to the content, and kept my mouth shut. But this, this has just gone too far for me to be silent. There are few things in the world that can effectively get me mad. Very few. But one of them, one of the BIG ones, is to see good, wholesome, things become perverted. Twisted into "unwholesome" things that they are not. This is a match whose very inception goes against my grain. It literally sickens me to my stomach. This is just wrong. I can't put it any more succulently than that. This is a match that shouldn't have been thought of. Even less entertained as happening. And never seen to have come to fruition. This is wrong on so many levels. I realize that this site isn't made for me, I don't have to come here, and I have no right to think how it should be run. I know all this. But I wouldn't feel right if I didn't let my feeling be known to somebody. I HAVE to speak out on this, whether any one agrees with me or not is a moot point. This letter is just something I HAVE to do to satisfy my mind. If I have ever loathed a match, this is it. For as much as I feel Moses vs. Yoda shouldn't have happened, this eclipses it. To beat a dead horse to death, this is just wrong. It violates the characters involved. It makes them do things they never would. It in some way perverses them. And that is wrong. I know, a grown man should not feel so passionately about fictional characters. They are after all, not real. But I treat as though they were, all the same. I'm the type of person that cried out at the death of Hal Jordan. I'm the type of person that is pissed over what they've done to Aquaman. I'm the type of person that would get into a bar fight if I was told it would effect the outcome of "Betty vs. Veronica". I'm the type of person that defends the morals, and ethics of cartoon characters that are not, have never been, and will never be, real. I feel for these characters. I feel for them as though they were friends, family. I feel for them in a way that defies description. They are my true peers. I feel as through I must protect them, that I am their Champion....
...*Snip, Snip, Snip .... on and on and on....*
.....I fear for the characters, and their purity. Anything past his point would be just so much rehashing of my stance, so I'll end it here. This is my two cents, and it is not even worth that much. "And I did look out upon the land, and I did see much good. Much beauty hath been wrought. And upon that day I did realize my true purpose in life, to safeguard such wholesomeness against all that would see it brought low. Upon that day a Champion was born. And I did embrace those whom I would protect, for I loved them, and they, by their very nature, did return that love. For them, I would give all that I am. For them, I have."
Editors Note: Uh... I gotta say, this letter is more disturbing than the fight. Seriously, this is scary stuff.
Although I think whoever created this fight is extremely hard up for a date, I'd have to give this to Jasmine. Not only does she have the genie on her side, but that tiger of hers is at LEAST as large as Belle's Beast. Ariel will be the first to go. Excuse the pun, but she's a fish out of water. Having flippers may be cool underwater, but this is mud and everyone's favorite mermaid is gonna get a little TOO slippery to fight well enough to keep up with the others.Next, Pocahontas goes out. Although I have to give her points for having the most serious songs in any Disney flick ever, she's not much of a fighter as Jasmine and the Beast can clobber John Smith any day of the week.As soon as Simbah, or whatever the heck the tiger's name is, gets a hold of the Beast, he's kibbles 'n bits. The genie then puts the kabitz on Belle and Jasmine doesn't even have to lift a finger.Match Over, add one more French peasant girl to the 'Save Aristocracy in all Forms Fund.' (SAFF™)
Oh man, when I read over this battle, I was killing myself laughing for about five minutes. When you thought of this match, what were you on and where can I get some? To do this to children's movie characters is twisted in so many ways and yet so hilariously funny.Anyways, it'll be either Belle or Jasmine. Jay was right, Ariel won't be much good out of water, and Poca does spend too much time talking to nature. Although Jasmine's got the moves (and a genie) Belle's got the Beast, Cogsworth, Lumiere and a castle full of objects that just love to fight (did you see the end of her movie? Those castle objects know how to kick butt). Plus, her movie was just a bit funnier than Aladdin. Oh well, let the mud wrestling begin!
General George S. Patton writes:
Oh, boy! We're gonna have some FUN watching this battle! It'll be like the battle of the bulge all over againonly without the Germans!Now, who wins? Taken one at a time,each contestant will do...what?Ariel...if those seashells have sharpedges, she will be the best armed ofthe bunch and the mud will soon be avery bright shade of red. Don't counther out. Belle...sorry, book learning isn't goingto help you out much, particularly whenyou don't even have the strength to throw a book hard enough to black out an eye. She'll be the first one who finds herself stripped naked by the other three. I'll have my camera ready! Pocahontas: If she's hiding a knifeunder that deerskin dress, as I suspect she is, just remember that she probably knows how to cape and skin a deer in five minutes. She's also fearless, orhow else can you explain her jumping off a 300 foot cliff for fun? Her physical conditioning is apparently excellent. Jasmine: Here's my favorite for this battle. With her temper that reminds me of a crate of landmines with touchy triggers, combined with her athletic prowess, and since I suspect her of hiding martial arts abilities, plus that legendary fanatic tendency that a lot of middle eastern people show from time to time, I'd say that Jasmineis going to be about as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oatmeal. Better duck. Better yet, get your cameras ready and have lots of film.I predict you'll see a blue and white dress get tossed out first, followed by a seashell bra, then a deerskin dress, and a little bit later the blue harem outfit goes out too.
Robotech Master writes:
Now we must remember that this is Mud wrestling. This ain't dirty street fighting(although it is still rough, and it is Technically more dirty). Ariel has no fighting experience, and she can't do much when she's not "Under the Sea." Even with legs, she doesn't even know what a fork is, so shes out. Now, Belle is out, because she has no fighting experience. Pocahantas has survival skills and indian training. However, Pocahantas was never trained for combat like the men were. So Jasmine wins. She is a tough girl who has gone with Alladin on many adventures. Jasmine has faced dragons, mud monsters, sand witches, Mosenwrath(sp?) and whatever. That gives her the advantage.
There's only one reason why I voted for Belle: the pony tail factor. I can't deny the awesome coolness factor that is possesed by the cosmic force known as the pony tail. It's a force on par with The Dao and The Force. It Just Is. Of course, that has nothing to do with the actual fight, but this is Disney were talking about here. Those with real power never win in the Disney-verse. If that were the case, none of the little ladies here would still be alive...
Here's how I see it: Ariel and Belle have this sorta lesbian thing going with each other (It's true! I saw it in the Babes Gallery!) So they won't attack each other. This will be their downfall. While they are being careful not to harm each other, Pocahontas and Jasmine Are tearing into them at full berserker fury. So, Belle and Ariel are the first to go. It's down to Pocahontas and Jasmine. Pocahontas puts up a good fight for a while, but as was said before, Jasmine has acrobatic ability on the level of Aladdin. Plus, if the going gets tough, Jasmine has a Tiger that she can sic on them.
Well... this is... biazarre. I gotta tell you, sometimes you guys surprise with the fights you choose. ANyway, I gotta agree that Jasmine is the only scrapper here. She survived those luke-warm sequels, she'll survive this. Didn't yoy know? In the T.V. series, she was accepted into the Amazon tribe. Trust me, they were a bunch 'o' mean P.M.S.'ers. With magic arrows to boot. She still ran their gauntlet, kicked thier asses, and rescued Aladdin, who I might mention, is her husband. Think she'll get and assist from a flying carpet and a Genie with Semi-Phenomenal, Nearly Cosmic Powers tm., I think so. Assuming of course Genie and the other guys in her corner can stop staring when one of the girls' tops come off.
Super Slayer writes:
Let's look at each contestant here, shall we: Ariel: Speaks to pidgeons and fish, interested in broken forks, makes deals with witches, obviously hallucinatory. Advantages: Daughter of the king of the sea, fairly athletic husband (who could give her workouts). Belle: Really bad taste in men, reads too much therefore doesn't get out, speaks to candles, obviously a fat bit**, who's hallucinatory. Advantage: Husband was a beast, obviously abusing her, raising her threshold of pain. Lots of pent-up sexual frustration from living with a beast. Pocahontas: Speaks to animals, obviously hallucinatory. Real Pocahontas was only 12 or so (when she married, which is one of the points they are at in the movies). Cheated on movie husband in real life. Advantages: Married to fairly strong colonist, survival instincts and experience. Jasmine: Fairly young. Advantages: Married to "the prophesized one," taught her his fairly athletic ways. Daughter to Arabian king. She doesn't actually think she can speak monkey language to the monkey, she just understands it. Not hallucinatory. The monkey's a pickpocket, possibly teaching Jasmine in his ways. Survived a disney T.V. show, where she combatted many stupid bad-guys, thereby hardening her battle instincts. Very agile. Has a magic flying carpet. Friends with a free genie, so none of that "only three wishes" crap. The winnah: Jasmine
Charlie Princeton writes:
Whew! Doesn't this one just dive right for the gutters! I'm assuming all of these babes' usual skimpy outfits won't survive the first five minutes of this fight... drool. I noticed you've used pornographic fan art for all 4 pictures - nice touch. I have to go with Jasmine here (me and everyone and everyone's kid brother, I know) mainly because she's the only one who doesn't have psychological problems. Ariel has the whole 'I'm different than everyone and nobody likes me' complex; Belle is the repressed bookworm; Pocohontas is just a front for wishy-washy environmentalism. Granted, Jasmine was whining on about living in an ivory tower situation at the palace, but she broke herself out to chase a hot set of street rat buns. Plus, of course, she did some major asswhupping when it came to dealing with an insane and super-powerful wizard. And finally she has a pet tiger. Aside from being our mascot here at Princeton, tigers are fierce, omniverous critters who eat fish for breakfast, raccoons for lunch, and might finish off dinner by wolfin' down a French peasant girl. I see Jasmine and Rajah returning to the palace after this fight to snack on some fresh-grilled mermaid tail.
Andy the Anarchist writes:
I'm going with Pochahontas on this one, on account of her opponents. Let's see, Ariel is the most unfeministic Disney heroine ever, and along with Jasmine, she's got the "Daddy's little girl" thing going on, eliminating both of them. And Belle's a bookworm, so she's out. So that leaves Pochahontas, with her Native American "one with nature and all that stuff" upbringing. If all else fails, she can have Meeko annoy her opponents to death.
When I read that four Disney babes were gonna get into a mud wrestling match, I couldn't help giggling. Not because of any X-rated thoughts of how they all look naked, but because I think Disney is hellspawn with their censorship and their inability to come up with a truly original idea and their cookie-cutter formulaic approach to stories and the fact that they steal from and distort history and literature and I HATE THEM ALL DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!Ahem. Sorry. Aaanyway, I figured a good mud-wrestling match would splatter Disney's goody-two-shoes kiddie reputation all over the walls.
XXUTAK, Lord of Werkon writes:
hmmm... a bunch of animated wenches duke it out at a country club..? I LIKE IT!!! Well, Ariel doesn't seem like a factor at all. She has no experience out of water. However, if she can manuvuer the fight near the lake (and I think she can) she'll be able to knock out that French wuss, Belle, and that pampered little princess, Jasmine. But I'd imagine that Pocahontas has more than a little experience in water, and having full use of her legs, would win this hands down. The other Disney babes are gonna get beaten harder than Pee Wee Herman's....uhh....fireman.
Athletically, this fight will be dominated by Ariel and Pocahontas. With all the time Pocahontas has spent outdoors, she'll be most at home in a mud pit, but will most likely never get to demonstrate her skill or strength. The others will fall around her long before the fighting gets real. Ariel will be in optimal physical condition from all that swimming, but she's the youngest daughter, and used to being pushed around. She's a helpless victim, tossed between her father's demands, Ursula's schemes, and her crush on Eric. Although she acts like a tomboy, she spends most of her time dreaming of her knight on a shining white sea-horse. If Ariel doesn't eliminate herself with her inexperienced land legs, she'll be taken out easily while she daydreams. Jasmine might have a chance if she brought along Rajah, but truthfully, she's the biggest princess daddy's girl of the bunch. She enjoys manipulating the men in her life to fight against each other for her best interests. That won't work with this bunch of chicks, they'll see through her little game and join forces to take her out. She'll shriek like a banshee as soon as she gets some mud on her, distracting her opponents, and run home to wash her hair. Belle may easily be the least capable fighter due to her extensive literary pursuits (and limited real-life pursuits), but we've seen her outwit Gaston and send him flying into his own mud pit. If she can bite her tongue and resist the temptation to barrage the others with a litany of verbiage, she may be unhurt. If Belle moves quickly, she'll slip away, clean herself up, and spend an afternoon reading by the estate pools, free from the incessant chatter of those annoying princesses. After Belle sneaks off and Jasmine runs home to daddy, Ariel will never know what hit her. Pocahontas will be left standing, disappointedly surveying the results.
Hot Damn! I've been waiting for this one to be picked. Thank you for picking my suggestion. I am going with Jasmine on this one. First allow me to disqualify the other ladies. Belle she's French. It is common knowledge on all battle pages that the French don't win squat. She won't break the mold. She's far too fragile for the rough and tumble world of Profession Mud Wrestling, hot oil maybe, but not mud. Lastly the name Belle reminds too much of Belledandy. They're both far too nice to get dirty. Arial, has just gotten her legs. You expect he to go toe to toe with women who have had legs all their lives. Yet, If this fight is anything like the movie Splash and she just needs water to go native. Then the big flipper will be a major plus. It was tough going against Pocahontas. Natives, no matter how nature loving lived a rough and tumble life. She must have picked some good fighting skills. If she were smart (I'm not saying that she isn't) she would team up with Belle and do a serious French and Indian dance on Jasmine. All that aside, why should I support Jasmine. She's got spirit. She'll be making the loudest hisses, meows and caterwails in this cat fight. She's fit, athletic and adventurous. Plus, she got Genie... in her corner. (I'm not saying that he's going to help. That was always brought up in the original Thieve's Battle. You know, the one where Autolycus was robbed of victory! You know who you are Damn You!!) Anyway, I digress. However, in the end the true victory will go the crack squad of anime vixens (Shampoo, Lina Inverse, Urd and Lum) who will open up a major can of whupass on the Disney Babes as they leave the mud pit. It must happen. I know this!!! I watched The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling (GLOW). No fight ends with a rematch or future fight. Now get out of my face I've got to get my camcorder down to ringside!!
You people are sick! Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick!
I voted for Jazzy, because the French are morons at fights and Ariel would actually be at court suing Ursula the Sea Witch for damages and unsatisfactory services. Pocahontas, therefore, is the only true competitor. Lessee now: RAGE: Jazzy has a lot of that. I mean, the only fair portrayal of her was in the original Aladin. She must be reeeeaaal pissed after doing extremely annoying roles that Madonna would have rejected! J: 1, P: 0 Experience: Jazzy has this in the bag. She has fought alongside Al so many times, I've lost count. Pocahontas, OTOH, has as much military experience as President Carter - they're both complete pacifists! Too bad for Pocahontas - Jazzy would come in roaring and rip her limb from limb while she tried to talk her out of it. J: 2, P: 0 Ruggedness factor: Pocahontas, hands down. She's lived in the forests all her life at a time when there were worse things than lawyers in New York (which wasn't built just yet). Jazzy is a castle princess. She got caught trying to steal an apple. What does that say? J: 2, P: 1 Training: Pocahontas' dad is a village chief. He can show her where to bury that spear. Jazzy's dad is Sultan. She can talk him into getting private lessons in [email protected]$$ for her. Tie. J: 3, P: 2 Boyfriends: Jazzy has Aladin, a street rat turned prince, but kinda wimpy. Pocahontas has John Smith, a true stud (and he'll pop a shotgun load in yo @$$ if you say otherwise!). J: 3, P: 3 *Ahem* Maturity: Jazzy seems kinda skinny to me. Pocahontas is, errr, much more fully "developed". J: 3, P: 4 Weaponry: Jazzy is (obviously) an Arab, during the Crusades era. Arabs at that era made the rest of us seem like monkeys in terms of technology. Just see the movie "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves". Pocahontas has spears and the like. Guess who gets this one. Aw, hell. I just have an Arab roommate who'll definately gonna chow down on me if he found out what I 'm doing here (he hated the way they were portrayed in that one). I guess this is compensating for it. But it still stands. J: 4, P: 4 So it's a tie. I guess it ends by Mulan showing up and demonstarting to everybody where those spears where meant to be implanted. And another note: If either Jerry Springer or Howard Stern are refereeing, I think this place will melt down due to the rating it'll get. That, or the Senate will accelerate the control of the internet if they get a whiff of this! Any place to send our money orders for the unsensored recording?
Well, after this one, we can all sleep soundly knowing once and for all who would win. I say Jasmine, because she has that whole "kick sand in your face and call you a weakling" attitude.
Jasmine will pick this one up while the other three fall off like a cheap prom dress. Here's the logic - Jasmine reminds me a whole lot of Namira, this fighting character on "Mace the dark age" that was easily the best in the game. they were both arabic, both were harem girls, and they both looked the same. which is to say, delicious. I see ariel and belle dropping out quick once they realize there's no singing opportunities, unless of course belle can transform herself into beast-form. but lets assume that won't happen. as for pocahontas, who cares. jasmine, the smart girl that she is, will be sure to sneeze right on her and pocahontas will spend the rest of the fight suffering from diahrea and bemoaning the fact that her life in the unsoiled natural paradise of north america left her immune system ill-prepared to deal with the host of diseases jasmine's snot will contain.
Maj. Zuckuss writes:
Editor's Note: Maj. Zuckuss sent in a long, detailed fight report... too long to put on this page. So, it is up seperate.
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I have to admit, Jasmine's got this one down. Have you seen Alladin the series? There's one episode where she goes commando and single-handedly takes out a squad of undead soldiers. Now THAT'S class. Pochahontas will be her only rival, thanks to being raised in the 'wilds'. She must have SOME knowledge of hand-to-hand combat. The other two will be pushovers.
First off, Belle has nothing in her favor but a good singing voice (just so her boyfriend doesn't show up and prod serious buttock). She's a book worm, give me a break. Now, Ariel's probably got a mean hook (upper body strength from all those years swimming), but I wonder if she's really used to those land-legs. She's off balance and on her face. Pocahontas doesn't stand a chance against Jasmine. Jasmine appears to have mastered most every weapon in the near east, while Pocahontas has the amazing ability to jump in front of oncoming weaponry. In /some/ situations, that might be an advantage, but not this one. So, last one standing is Jasmine! (And, of course, if things get too bad, she can always call in the Palace Guard goon squad, or her boyfriend and his genie. Or both.)
Alrighty.. I gotta give this one to Jasmine.. among all four which two have actually had a real tv show? THat would be Jasmine and Ariel... Ariel may be fiesty.. but when has she ever actually FOUGHT anything more than a fish? Ditto for the other two... Pocahontas did a little roughnecking out in the woods.. but she never fought much either, and Belle? I think the closest she got to a fight was a dispute with the candle over ambient lighting... THat leaves Jasmine.. not only has she been in a long running cartoon show and three movies... she ACTUALLY fights! Aladdin didn't pick any little sissy girl.. he got a woman who was more of a man that he was.. nuff said, Jasmine will walk in and have abu pimp slap the rest so she doesn't have to get dirty.. THEN she'll come in and make the rest ove em hurt till their ink runs...
Debate/Forensics Loser writes:
It all goes to Belle. Her greatest advantage is the fact the she's French. As any historian knows the French deal with conflicts in two ways. Either they run away or fight till the last Frenchmen drops to the ground. Now what's important here is that they only fight to the death when they're an underdog as Belle clearly is seeing as she has the least fighting expierience of any of them. However she's a good little French girl and will show an endurance unequaled by the others that will give her the victory.