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Bugs Bunny vs. Mickey Mouse

ISSUE #126

Q vs. Mr. Mxyzptkl

ISSUE #160

Wonder Woman vs. Thor

ISSUE #157

Iceman vs. The Human Torch

ISSUE #125

Great Pumpkin vs. Jack Skellington

ISSUE #117

Kraven vs. Pokemon Island


Boba Fett vs. Batman

ISSUE #170

Jason Voorhees vs. Ash Williams


Ken & Ryu vs. Scorpion & Sub-Zero


Green Arrow vs. Hawkeye


Blade vs. Buffy vs. Vampire Hunter D

ISSUE #149

Dr. Doom vs. Magneto

ISSUE #169

Galactus vs. Galactus' Weight in Krypto the Super Dogs


Sailor Moon vs. Ranma 1/2


Thundarr vs. Conan vs. Beastmaster


Parallax vs. Dark Phoenix


Robotech Defense Force vs. The Decepticons


Superman vs. Thor


Jawas vs. Ewoks

ISSUE #145

Planet of the Apes vs. Star Trek Away Team


Cheetarah vs. Harley Quinn

ISSUE #136

The Thing vs. Colossus

ISSUE #128

Martial Mayhem - Round Two!

ISSUE #168

Shazam vs. Black Bolt

ISSUE #129

Martial Mayhem - Round Three!


Lex Luthor vs. Dr. Doom

ISSUE #142

Spiderman vs. Wolverine


Elvira vs. Vampirella

ISSUE #138

Wonder Woman vs. She-Hulk


Supergirl vs. A-ko vs. Ryoko

ISSUE #115

Robin v. Robin v. Robin v. Robin


Iron Man vs. Steel


The Joker vs. The Green Goblin


Borg Cube vs. Death Star

ISSUE #175

Luke Skywalker vs. Paul Atredis

ISSUE #154

Xena vs. Buffy


Keebler Elves vs. Krispy Elves

ISSUE #144

Kerrigan vs. Diablo


Smurfs vs. Snorks


Hulk vs. Doomsday vs. Juggernaut

Plastic Army Men



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G.I. Joe vs. S.H.I.E.L.D

Fight Produced by ThreeDark and friends



ThreeDark:    Good Evening FightFans! This is your Local Deity of Chaos and Creation of a Parallel Universe ThreeDark!

Darth Maxx:    And I'm Darth Maxx, the ever-present Evolutionary Anomaly and Master of Moral Grayness! Tonight we have a doosy for you, don't we Three?

Three:    That we do Maxx! Such a match do we have in store for you tonight that your normal announcers Calisto and Ms. Quinzel have taken some early vacation leave to witness this fight ringside for themselves. Everybody wave to Harley and Calli sitting Ringside in the North Section of the Arena, right next to the designated Warzone!

Maxx:    Heya Girls, Hope you're having fun! I hear that North Section is full of a lot of big name celebrity villains too Three!

Three:    That it is, we've had reports of not only Cobra Commander and The Red Skull but of Mr. Decepticon himself Megatron making a showing tonight. We'll have to keep an eye on that section and send down an inside line to get any comments that these big guns might have.

Maxx:    Why are you getting all the big lines?

Three:    Cause I'm writing this, that's why. The Timer for the match is counting down and we've got twenty minutes before things get rolling so let's get some sideline comments from some of the locals before we tell the audience what's in store for them.

Maxx:    Right, but I get to give them the rundown of how things will play out, that ought to bring my line-count up.

Three:    No prob Maxx. Here's the audience!




NoLimitJay writes:

G.I. Joe comic book: $3

Tape to record old G.I. Joe reruns: $2

ticket to see a replay of the G.I. Joe movie: $1

Telling someone you just beat up that "knowing is half the battle": priceless

Kevin, Lord of Nonsense writes:

I don't care who wins this thing! I just wanna see blood, dammit! BLOOD, BLOOD, BLOOD!

Well, okay, I'm voting for SHIELD because they sound cooler. And aren't as frnachised. But that aside, LET THERE BE BLOOD!

SoaS writes:

Si, one must agree G.I. Joe is the owner of classical saturday morning cartoons as far as I can remember them!

But S.H.I.E.L.D. is a well oiled organisation lead by a guy who knows little fear, Nick Fury.

That, and I don't remember G.I. Joe that much anymore made me vote for S.H.I.E.L.D.

Basara7 writes:

Man oh man, you do know how to set up one-siders, don�t you Serge?

I�ve never seen a Joe ever hit his opponent, EVER!! THIS WAS THE 80�S IDEA OF A CRACK, TOP NOTCH ANTI-TERRORISM TEAM?!? The Joe�s couldn�t catch Osama Bin Laden if he hid in plain sight!!

Fury and his agents though would. Does anyone believe that 9/11 would have happened on Fury�s watch? Even if Osama did surprise Fury, does anyone believe that SHIELD wouldn�t have his balls in a vise within an hour of the attack? That�s the type of organization that Fury built, TWICE. These are no nonsense professionals that make terrorists wake up shivering in cold sweats.

Yeah, SHIELD doesn�t have the personalities that the Joes do Harley, but that�s because SHIELD doesn�t tolerate the grand standing, glory hounding, over blown egos that most of the Joe�s have. The Joe�s are a team of individuals, barely held together by a few competent leaders. Take out Duke and Hawk, and the Joes will wilt. In contrast, if the Joes do take Fury out (and that�s always a possibility when Snake Eyes is around), SHIELD runs just fine. Also, SHIELD plays with toys that make 007 jealous. The Joes simply cannot compete.

Simply told, this will be a massacre.

Daki writes:

*Daki cannot make it to the computer this week so he sends a note written in blood instead*

I have called them all. The pitiful organization known as S.H.I.E.L.D. will tremble at the very might that is GI Joe. The target known as Nick Fury will not last. Snake Eyes has been sent to eliminate the leader... the tower will crumble.

I have called them. They are here.

We shall win.

Fox McCloud writes:

Man I hope SHEILD wins. It took me years to get that stupid GI Joe theme to stop playing in my head. Even now, I just have to think the words "GI JOE," and the 57th marine chorus goes "Real American Hero!" in my head.

Please, vote for SHEILD, before I go mad.

Yahtzee writes:

It comes down to this. G.I. Joe has constantly thwarted Cobra's plans for world domination. S.H.I.E.L.D constantly thwarts Hydra. . .

The thing that puts Joe over the top though is the fact how many S.H.I.E.L.D agents have been killed in the line of duty? Yeah, Hydra once wiped out an entire graduating class of agents. How many people has Joe lost in their never-ending war with Cobra? Not even close to that many. Apparently no one in G.I. Joe can die, except the android soldiers so S.H.I.E.L.D. is gonna surrender after figuring out that the Joe men are well neigh invunerable

El Kabong writes:

This battle essentially boils to Duke, Sgt. Slaughter, Snake Eyes, Scarlet, Beach Head, Dialtone, Law & Order, Jinx, Roadblock, Quick-kick, Gung-Ho, Alpine, Bazooka, Lifeline, Mercer, Red Dog, Low Light, Wet Suit, Taurus, General Hawk, Lt. Falcon, Slip-stream, Lady J, Cross Country, Leatherneck, Wild BIll, Snowjob, Mainframe, Shipwreck, Big Lob, and Flint of team G.I. Joe vs. Nick Fury of team S.H.I.E.L.D., since each and every Joe mentioned can take out at least a dozen nameless Cobra Henchmen at a time, and that's all everyone else at S.H.I.E.L.D. really is.

You do the math.

Go Joe!

TMR_Xenith writes:

No, no, keep going Cally. The Joes fight Cobra. S.H.I.E.L.D. fights Hydra. What would you rather fight: a garden variety snake that gets its butt kicked by small furred animals (anyone read Riki Tiki Tavi?) or a mythical snake that could only be stopped by a demi-god? Plus S.H.I.E.L.D. sounds cooler (and is a pain to type)

Starcloud of E.W.O.K. writes:

Do you see injured S.H.I.E.L.D. members going after Megatron using only a sword? Of course not. They ain't got the guts.

j1 writes:

Has anyone ever seen the gijoe cartoon, None of these guys can shoot straight. They couldnt kill a person if they used a nuke. Anybody who thinks the guys in blue are gonna roll over for these pansies is mistaken, the Joes are gonna be so scared, and confused as to why the enemy didnt turn tail and run after the first shot, theyll probably all piss their pants

Robbysox writes:

Well I'm new to this site and I must say some of the people who write in can't be serious! Thats another story though. On this match I think it would be close but I would have to give the edge to SHIELD.I think it would be the eqiuvelant to the FBI and the CIA going at it. Have to give the edge to the spy guys. Well thats all for now...Later!!!

Ivan writes:

Nick Fury is THE quintessential studly superspy, making James Bond and the Man from UNCLE seem like bumbling rent-a-cops by comparisson. He hasn't aged since World War 2, Is the director of the best "good guys" intelligence organization in Marvel continuity, and routinely does ballsy stuff like lighting a cigar while skydiving, simply because he doesn't feel like waiting to hit the ground to satisfy his nic fit. He was the first character to pull off the "distinguished greying temples" look that has been coppied by everyone from Reed Richards to Parallax. He sleeps with a Lugar 9MM and a MAC-10. The official Marvel comics website rates him as being on par with Iron Fist in terms of Fighting Skills. He was created by the legendary Lee and Kirby team, and took Jim Steranko from "relative newcomer" status to "one of the most influential artists in comic book history." Nick Fury spars with Captain America, who is probably the best unarmed combatant in the Marvel Universe. I would chose Nick Fury in a fight over almost anyone.


See, there's this process called nostalgic amplification, where a person's memories become distorted so that events become exagerated. The single most obvious example of nostalgic amplification in all of history is Snake Eyes. The standard "silent martial artist" character who has been exagerated into godhood. You need look no further than the CBUB archives to prove this. Snake Eyes was favored over such combat giants as Shang Chi and Lady Shiva. And since time has passed since that encounter, he's no doubt transcended from "Snake Eyes: Combat God" to "Snake Eyes: Lord of All Existence." No matter how cool Fury is, he can't compete with that.

BlueBard writes:

Oh, please... GI Joe VS S.H.I.E.L.D.?

SHIELD all the way.

Let's see, GI Joe has cool gear and lots of expert soldiers. They fight faceless goons and occasionally square off against Cobra's leaders... a few of which may be considered superpowered, but not real impressive.

SHIELD has access to all kinds of advanced technology and dirty tricks, including the Guardsman armor designed by none other than Tony Stark aka Iron Man. These guys fight superpowered bad-guys all the time, and have even been responsible for incarcerating some of them. SHIELD has even had a few superpowered individuals working for them at times.

Then there's Nick Fury. This guy's been a soldier and a spy longer than all of GI Joe put together. If he can't out-general GI Joe, I'll eat my army boots.




Intern:    And you're on in Five-Four-Three...

Maxx:    And then she goes "No, that's not how you do it"

Three:    We're Back On!

Maxx:    Ah! Right-o! A lot of Joe sympathy and nostalgia from the crowd.

Three:    Definitely, especially a lot of Snake-Eyes fans out there.

Maxx:    Personally Three and myself would like to give a Golden Nut-bucket award to Bozo/Laughing-Man-Boy-Guy/CWO for following around the interviewer and interrupting whenever they felt necessary so as to confuse her into hitting him with her Big Book of Poe.

Three:    Definitely. Anywho. Five minutes left, Maxx if you would do the honors?

Maxx:    My pleasure, Three. Tonight's scheduled match is a Last Man Standing Field Offensive. This meaning that the Arena is currently simulating a mirrored playing field in opposite directions with a level playing field in the middle. Extending away from this playing field in either direction are various terrain's ranging from mountainous to whitewater. At the opposite ends of each arena are simple HQ's where each team is holed up at the moment. They have been given small, hand selected squads from their own ranks and five hours to send out scouts to survey the terrain's and come up with a battle plan. The only rules are it is a Come As You Are fight, meaning that all the participants can receive no support save from the team mates on the field once the match starts, and that neither team is to send scouts beyond their side of the playing field. Roughly what this comes down to is that only the strongest and best of the groups team will meet on the battlefield and then, once and for all, the winner will be decided.

Three:    Thank you Maxx for that thorough explanation. Still two minutes left, Gigs are you there?

Gigadork:    Y-yes sir.

Three:    While we were getting comments from the regular spectators we sent our Interview Specialist Gigadork to the North Section so as to be able to get any insightful commentary from our esteemed villainous guests. Gigs, do any of the spectators have anything to say about the match at this time?

Gigs:    They've been nothing but vocal since I arrived, sir. Mister Megatron especially expressed some interest in speaking with you directly.

Three:    Ahem yeah, well. Tell him I'm busy.

Gigs:    I would, sir, but he's-

Megatron:    Right Here, ThreeDark. I'll merely say this, you had best enjoy yourself while you can. I intend to enjoy the spectacle and then the preceding chaos. I hope you do as well.

Maxx:    What do you think he means by preceding chaos? And what's the deal with you and Megs?

Cobra Commander:    He Means that once one of the teams of Goodie Goodies finishes off the others then we shall descend upon their remaining, Weakened forces and destroy them ALL! COBRALALA-


Destro:    That was for that yell. I shall hit you again later for revealing our plans to the Entire Audience!

Cobra Commander:    D'oh!

Three:    That's OK guys, these lines are Arena specific, none of that was heard by either of the teams. So, I take it that North Section is exclusively Bad Guy Territory now? Can we have some visual confirmation on that Maxx?

Maxx:    That we can, Ted? Thanks. Wow, Three! It looks like a Comic Book Villain Convention! I'm seeing just about every last Marvel, TF, or GI Joe villain I can think to name� and quite a few that I can't! This is amazing!

Three:    And look, there's little Gigs! Wave to the camera Gigs! Isn't he cute amongst all the most dangerous villains this side of the andaries cluster-verse?

Maxx:    Right on. Oh! There's the whistle. It's time for our two teams to start their treks. For SHEILD sideline coverage here's Dragonblade the Illumas. Illumas?

Illumas:    Here, Maxx. The simulated terrain is amazing here. From the onset of emerging from their bunkers it's perilous. The SHEILD team comes out each sporting a small backsack and a rifle. Most of them are nameless and faceless but I've already seen Dum Dum at the head of the first group� and there's Fury now. What they're walking into is thick brush, very thick. Think Amazon and add Miracle-Gro�. They seem to be wading through it well, each soldier has been equipped with a machete and they're making good use of those at this time.

Three:    Thank you Illumas. Now, for Joe coverage we turn over to Flux.

Flux:    Right here Three, Duke and Scarlet are already half way through the foliage, the rest of the team is making their way through decently but, wait no� Shipwreck seems to be stuck in some vines. Yes. Shipwreck is being pulled into the trees by what appears to be living kudzu. Shipwreck is out of the picture and I'm sure we all feel the Joe's loss. Next bit of terrain after the Amazonian Basin is a sheer cliff that drops eighty feet into whitewater rapids. The river at the base of the cliff is one hundred and fifty feet across. There'll be no grappling across this river. The teams will have to go down to the riverside and cross from there. No small task for either group I'd say.

Three:    Sounds right to me Flux. What do you think Maxx.

Maxx:    I went white watering once. Fell out of the raft. Found myself in Nevada.

Three:    Not such a bad place to be.

Maxx:    I started in North Carolina.

Three:    Ouch. Illumas, anything interesting to add from the SHEILD side of the tracks?

Illumas:    Not much going on here, SHEILD team is going strong with Carter and Bridge heading up the rear. The team also made record time repelling down the cliff face and they're now setting up a tow-line and raft� thingy� to cross the river. Team-work at it's best, I'd say.

Maxx:    So much for Knowing being half the battle, eh Three?

Three:    We Shall See, Maxx. They're still only half way to the battle site. And this isn't really a race, as you already stated.

Maxx:    This is true. Update us, Flux.

Flux:    Well, while you two were away I did a head-count and it would seem that, by logic, Shipwreck wasn't the only one lost to the jungle.

Three:    What do you mean?

Flux:    Snake-Eyes is Missing.

Three:    ...

Maxx:    You're kidding, right? Three, your sister's such a kidder. Make her stop.

Three:    She's not kidding Maxx. Check the Video Feed and Scan-Stats. The numbers do not lie, there's only eighteen Joe's on the field, and we both know they started with Twenty. Snake Eyes was one of the names on their list. All facts point to the painfully obvious.

Maxx:    Noooooooooooooooooo! I had MONEY on the JOES!

Three:    You doofus. Anything else you'd like to report now that Maxx is crying like a three year old, Flux?

Flux:    Sorry Maxx. The Joes are taking the river well, The too seem to have set up a tow-line across the river but they're going at it individually instead of by raft. They seem to be keeping at a steady enough pace from here.

Three:    So, what's the next Terrain look like?

Flux:    Well, right at riverside it looks like nothing but rocky terrain, but about a hundred yards down the way it hits a mountainside. It's not very steep but overall it's a rather tough looking climb. Duke, Flint, and about five other Joe's are making their way there now. Scarlet and LJ are seeing that the remaining Joe's make it across.

Three:    Let's get a quick rundown of what the remaining terrain looks like from Maxx, that way we can speed this up a little for the fans and get to the good part. Maxx?

Maxx:    Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Snaaaaake Eyeeeees!

Three:    Riiiiight. Um. Illumas, can you give us an Idea of what the remaining terrain is?

Illumas:    Certainly. The Mountain consists of a slowly steepening ascent to a large snowy-region and then a short descent. Anyone without proper insulation could definitely end up having problems at the top.

Three:    Maybe Lady J will finally button that shirt of hers. Heh heh.

Illumas:    After the Mountain-face there's a swamp region. Marshes and the like along with quicksand and some virulent wildlife. The swamps taper off into an extensive two-mile stretch of desert terrain which hills into the plateau that serves as home for the battle site.

Three:    Sounds like Fun. Now, as flick the Arenal-Temporal-Displacement-Atuner we shall spring forward past the boring middle of the movie and to the climactic battle that shall ensue between the agents of SHEILD and the GI Joes.


Three:    And here we are. These two highly trained government forces stand poised to fight, each in line formation and weapons at ready. Looks to me like the Joe's suffered quite a few more losses than SHEILD.

Flux:    Yeah, I count 12 Joe's left to SHIELD's 16. Not that I think that that will be the deciding factor in this match.

Three:    Any moment now they'll begin battle and the other half shall be revealed. Yep�. Any minute now. Any second at all. Bullets will fly and blood will be shed.

Maxx:    ...

Three:    Um... Illumas, what's happening down there on your end?

Illumas:    Nothing. Nothing at all, they're all standing there� doing� nothing.

Three:    This is a RIPOFF! Come ON! Do SOMETHING!

Maxx:    Wait! Look!

Three:    Yes! YES! It looks like Fury and Duke are breaking formation! They're walking towards each other! A Manly Duel! MANO E MANO! They Approach and�!

Maxx:    They shake hands!

Three:    WHAT?!

Maxx:    Fury and Duke are talking. Can we get Audio on that?

Flux:    On it.

Duke:    ... It was my pleasure.

Flux:    Now Duke is talking into the radio on his collar

Duke:    : Alright, Snake-Eyes. Operation Blue Fox is Go

Three:    Something's happening over at North Section It's Snake Eyes is ON The Arena! North Section Wall! THERE! LOOK!




'Nuff Said!


G.I Joe: 3347

SHIELD: 2413




Maxx:    Holy Cow! An Energy Field just went up around ALL of the North Section! The Ringside Villains have been TRAPPED! This was their plan All Along!

Three:    Do we still have Gigs down there? Gigs, are you there?!

Gigs:    Yes, Sir. I'm st-still here.

Megatron:    OUTRAGE! YOU cannot Do this to us!

Red Skull:    There vill be many days you vill regret this, Herr Joe's.

Three:    Actually, they can. It says so in the Ticket-Contract. No damage, entrapment, or pilfering of goods by the contestants can be held against the Khazanian Committee of Commerce and Entertainment or the Contestants themselves. Legally binding.

Callisto:    Don't quote legalese to me, ThreeDark. I'm going to have your grinning head as soon as I'm done with clown girl for talking me into sitting this fight out.

Maxx:    Uh-oh, Three. Looks like you're in trouble� Speaking of trouble you never answered what was with you and Megatron.

Three:    Well, that's it for tonight Folks, Me and Maxx have to run. Go thank the Joes and Fury for trapping some of the most dangerous villains and keeping YOU and us safe. Good night!

Maxx:    Night!

[The Comic Book Universe Battles]



"Callisto" is the property of Renaissance Pictures, MCA TV.

"Harley Quinn" is the property of DC comics.

G.I Joe (TM) is the property (c) of ? (dunno)

SHIELD (TM) is the property (c) of Marvel Comics

This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.