THE ORIGINAL SPORTS CAST

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Callisto:   Well, Clown Girl, that was pretty sneaky of you to nullify my amazing Goddess-like powers and have me abducted by James T. Kirk for use as his personal love slave on board the Enterprise. (Editors Note: See the now classic CBUB Issue 145: Planet of the Apes vs. Star Trek Away Team). Dear, you must have known I'd catch up to you sooner or later. Such behavior can't go unpunished.

Quinn:   Yeah well... so why am I tied to this chair again?

Callisto:   We haven't gotten to that part yet. Oops! But put on a big smile, Clown Girl... Our broadcast is about to go live.

Quinn:   ...

Callisto:   ... Hello! And welcome once again to another great edition of battles from the city of Khazan - the Nexus of all Realities! We have a great match-up for you today with those two world shaking villains Dr. Doom and Magneto! I am your host, Callisto, and to my left, it's Clown Girl.

Quinn:   Yeah, hi everybody. And I'm Harley Quinn tied to a chair, here. What fun!

Callisto:   We'll be back to start our game in a moment... but first, let's see what you folks at home had to say about this match.

Quinn:   Wow! The mailbag really overflowed this week. M'kay, Psycho Barbie... why am I tied to a chair?

Callisto:   Well, Clown Girl, since you robbed me of my powers and left me in the lecherous care of James Kirk, it seems only fair I return the favor. So, you are our first contestant on our hip new show The Super Dating Game!!!

Quinn:   Super Dating Game?

Callisto:   Yes, that's right... and let's look at today's contestants! Two lonely conquerors who need to give up the Mad and get into bed, if you know what I mean.

Quinn:   Oh, no.

Callisto:   Oh yes! Lets look over our eligible bachelors, hmmm Clown Girl? For security purposes we've had them put into God-Proof holding cells, but that's not going to stop them from getting to your heart! In cell one - he's a bachelor, he has his own country and he has his own Anti-Human mutant resistance movement! Lets say hello to Magnus!

Magneto:   Wench! You'll pay for this!

Callisto:   And in cell two - he's a bachelor, he also has his own country and he aspires to rule the Universe! Let's say hello to Victor!

Dr. Doom:   How dare you place Doom in a cage. You will feel my wrath!

Callisto:   Now, now boys... save the passion for the honeymoon.

Quinn:   Cally, look, I'm really, really sorry about what I did...

Callisto:   Ooopsy, too late for that Clown Girl. Now let's play our game. Bachelor number two, you get the first question. You're at a restaurant with your date. Do you let her order for herself or do you order for both of you?

Dr. Doom:   Doom will not be interrogated. Release me immediately!!

Callisto:   Ohhhhh... that's the WRONG attitude, Victor. Guess we'll have to introduce Bachelor number one and two to The Shock Treatment!

The Shock Treatment:   ZZZZZZAAAAAPPPP!!!!!

Dr. Doom and Magneto:   AHHHHHAAHHHHHH! BITCH!!

Quinn:   Cally, you're really going out of your way to make powerful enemies, here.

Callisto:   Ah, it's all in good fun. Now, Bachelor number two, we return to the question.

Dr. Doom:   Bah! What do I care what the woman orders. Let her eat cake.

Callisto:   And to you bachelor number one - do you order for your date or let her order herself?

Magneto:   Well, if it is a restaurant I am familiar with, I will order for my lady from their finest entrees. If she likes it not, I will have it sent back and the chef will cook anything her heart desires... or the chef will deal with me.

Quinn:   Awwww... how gallant.

Dr. Doom:   All females enjoy being controlled.

Callisto:   Bachelor number two, what would you bring a woman as a present on your first date?

Dr. Doom:   Assuming I found a woman worthy of Doom? I would bring her the planet and every citizen upon it. They would scrape and bow at her every command. And we would crush our enemies together!

Callisto:   Bachelor number one - same question.

Magneto:   Upon the first date a woman would doubtless know of my reputation. Gifts from a wealthy man have little meaning. I would give her a rose to show my intent is true. My arm, so she knows she is protected at my side. And my full attention, so she knows I am thinking of no other.

Quinn:   Awwww... that's sweet.

Dr. Doom:   You would prefer a rose to the planet?

Magneto:   Doom, you just don't understand women.

Dr. Doom:   Do not lecture me on the ways of love, cur!

Shock Treatment:   ZZZZAAAAPPP!!!

Dr. Doom and Magneto:   AHHHHH. #@%**!!!!!!!

Callisto:   Now, bachelor number one, what is your idea of the perfect date?

Magneto:   After a carefully prepared meal, served by candles and moonlight on the beach, I would take my lady's hand and fly her over the earth, viewing the moon and stars and all beneath their silvery gaze.

Quinn:   That's soooo romantic!

Callisto:   Bachelor number two - same quesation.

Dr. Doom:   Bah! I'll participate no further in this charade. Let the fawning brat enjoy a night with bucket head. I demand you end this and release me!

Callisto:   Well, we're almost out of time on our game for today. Now Clown Girl - choose an eligible bachelor or be thrown into a lagoon of hungry piranha.

Quinn:   Well, Bachelor number two is kind'a a sour puss. So, I'll choose bachelor number one.

Callisto:   Clown Girl has chosen Magneto! He's today's winning bachelor who gets an all expenses paid vacation with Clown Girl!

Quinn:   Wheeeeee!

Callisto:   And for our LOSER Dr. Doom, he gets a year supply of turtle wax and some rice-a-roni, the San Francisco treat!

Quinn:   Boooo!

Dr. Doom:   ENOUGH! This mockery ends now!

God-Proof Cell:   KA-BLOOOM!

Dr. Doom:   I am Free! Did you think you could hold me with your pathetic technology? Did you think I could be defeated by pathetic Magneto?

Quinn:   er... hey... whadda you doin? Let go of me!

Dr. Doom:   Come here, child. Doom will teach you what love is, and you will learn to like what I teach. Magnus... enjoy your Rice-a-Roni for Doom wins this day. Away we fly!

Quinn:   CALLLYYYY!!...

Callisto:   *sniff* *sniff* True love at last. Buh-bye, Clown Girl.

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