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BARBARIAN BRAWL
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Four savages enter the contest zone: a five kilometer expanse of rolling hills and forest. Only one will walk away. 'Nuff Said.
Beach Blanket Barbarian Bingo
The Commentary, your opinions and the Final Score
PAT: Hello and welcome, I'm Pat Summers! We are deep into this conflict folks... A cunningly laid trap by the Beastmaster has devastated the Thundarr group...
JAY: ...And I'm Jay Peoples! Blood on the field here... Princess Ariel has been mugged and shredded by the Beastmaster's pet black panther...
PAT: ...but not before an amazing bit of thievery by the Beastmaster's ferrets Kodo and Podo left Thundarr without the Fabulous Sun Sword!
JAY: And now, Dar, the Beastmaster himself, is on the scene! Jumping from a tree onto the back of Ookla the Mok's steed...
PAT: ...As the falcon flies, right into Ookla's face...
JAY: Pat, let's pause and see what the viewers have to say about the fight...
Favorite letter of the Week
Chuckg writes:
First off, I'm still royally upset about last week's battle. What, did the SDF-1 just *forget* that it had a Reflex Cannon? It had a clear shot as soon as the Decepticons made low Earth orbit! Who paid who to throw that damn fight!?!?! Sorry. (deep breath). OK, here goes... First off, the Beastmaster and Thundarr have their special weapons (animals and Sun Sword, respectively), but there's one crippling disadvantage they both have -- *they fight fair*. Now Fafhrd and Conan, of course, don't even know the meaning of the word "fair fight". They are pure and total pragmatists. However, Fafhrd doesn't handle most of the "cunning and devious" work in his various adventures -- that's the Gray Mouser's job, and he ain't here today. Fafhrd on his own tends to be a very straightforward guy, even if he is far more ruthless than those other two kiddie heroes. But Conan? The barbarian king's record speaks for itself. (I speak, of course, of the original Robert E. Howard and the L. Sprague De Camp Conan. The *movie* Conan was a pathetic poser. Period) Conan can outfight, outbrawl, outsneak, outlie, outcheat, and outsteal any other barbarian in the entire sword & sorcery genre. Conan vs. Fafhrd -- Tough to do in a straight fight, but Conan wins by his wits. Fafhrd is not dumb, but he's used to relying on his partner for the really sneaky stuff. Conan needs no one. Conan vs. the Beastmaster -- umm, Conan has killed mountain lions with his bare hands and giant gorillas with only a small knife. I'm not sure, but I think he's also beaten grizzly bears to death with just an improvised club. So much for the Beastmaster's backup. And the Beastmaster himself vs. Conan in a straight swordfight? Don't make me laugh! Thundarr -- And as far as the Sun Sword goes, well, yes -- Conan goes into close combat with Mr. Lightsaber Clone, Conan has big problems. But think about it... if Conan sees a guy with a magic sword that can cut through buildings, then he makes sure to fight that guy with ranged weapons or from the back. Conan is not stupid. And Conan is a master of the crossbow, throwing knife, throwing ax, throwing rock, etc... not to mention the good old-fashioned mugging from behind. But Thundarr has absolutely no mastery of any combat form that works from farther than four feet away, and even less mastery of sneak-and-peek tactics. King Conan will rule. Long live the king.
skeearmon writes:
I like the Beastmaster. I always found him entertaining even though his voice is as flat as a pancake. Besides, at least he managed to keep his redhead. (Then again, Red Sonya knows better than waste her time with Conan.)
S. Todd writes:
Though my favorite is the Beastmaster, I had to vote for Conan. The reason is simple, he was the origin of these other guys. The real deal, Conan giveth and Conan taketh away, and all that. Plus after two movies (three if you count Red Sonja, and I do since everyone knew that was supposed to be him anyway), several novels, and umpteen different comics he is still out there kicking everybody's ass.
'Lord' Rev. Dr. Paul Soth writes:
The winner is Conan, he's by far the best swordsman in the bunch. Beastmaster and Fafhrd are too cool-headed for a match the likes of this, and Conan's smarter then Thundarr. Let's face it, Thundarr is incapable of doing anything short of wiping his ass without the help of that one woman. A quick prayer to Crom, and Conan's on his way to other adventures...
Atomic Skull writes:
All I can say is.. Conan lived in the Hyborian Age, in that (fictional) time you were either superhuman, or you were dead. In D&D terms, he had 18-00 strength with a D6 bonus in combat, 16 wisdom, 16 intelligence, 18's in everything else Plus, his exploits were written by Robert E Howard. 'nuff said.. We're talking the original R.E. Howard Conan here, not the movie "Arnie" pretender.. Even the "movie" Conan is more than a match for the rest, but the original Conan (who make's Arnold's version look like a pansy).. no %$#^ing way the rest of these girly-men stand a chance.. Hell, Juma (one of his buddies from he books) could have taken these guys on all at once..
RobF writes:
I'll have to go with Conan on this one. The Beastmaster's 3rd movie sucked, so he's out. Thundarr would be too busy narrating himself to fight. He'd just say something like "I'll just use my...," and before he can say what he's going to do he'll be dead. Finally, WHO THE HELL IS FAFHRD?!?!?!
Justicar writes:
Conan will emerge from this bloodfest because he is the original Everman. He has at the throat of every Cthuluan beasty that's got in his face. This warrior has founded kingdoms and destroy those that set out to destroy him. He is monstrously strong, an master swordsman and has the balls to back it up. First, Conan will squash Thundarr's head like a grape and grab his Sun Sword before he can yell "Lords of Light!". Then he he'll try out the Sun Sword on Beastmaster's travelling zoo making animal pate. After he throws the bawling Beastmaster into Fafhrd he'll leap into the air and skewer them both making a fine shish kabob. Conan hands down.
Valeria writes:
Like it says in the commentary, Conan is the original badass. He kicks ass, takes names, and takes no crap from nobody!...Although I did use to watch Thundarr when it was on. That sun-sword might inspire superstitious fear in Conan - though he's faced many wizards before and come out alive. Nah, I still give it to Conan.
The Match Maker writes:
I'll admit I don't know who this "Fafhrd" is but I know and respect the rest. Since I like all these guys by choosing one it feels like I'm selling the others short. That being said however "there can be only one". And if we are talking barbarians only one choice is clear. The man himself. The slave, The warrior, The King. Conan the Barbarian. He was, is, and always will be the "living" embodiment of the word "warrior". He has faced everything from men, to monsters, to evil "gods". He truly is "The Man". I mean, he IS a descendant of King Kull, the man who "wiped out" the snake people. But by Crom what a battle it would be!!!
Mr. Silverback writes:
Thundarr: His opponents were mainly reworked Herculoid villains. He's a chump.
Beastmaster: Just look at that photo. He looks like he's posing for glamour shots that will eventually be made into a calendar for Diana the V lizard-woman. Besides, the other three will probably gang up to punish him Beastmaster II.
Fafhrd: I haven't read these books, but I've noticed that he hasn't pounded Xena into spaghettios in the WWWF Grudge match like Conan has.
Conan has these guys for dinner, then eats the Beastmaster's ferrets as a healthy low-fat bedtime snack.
catslaughing writes:
this is truly a tough decision. all the opponents are great, but I think hands down Conan kicks butt. He's de man.
The Sandman writes:
Conan is going to kick some major booty in this fight. He is the most barbaric of them all and can take a lot of punishment. The others don't even measure up.
Corwyn writes:
Thundarr has a Magic/Techno weapon that can cut through normal blades... and a Cewbacca clone with the token spell casting chick....He got my vote Lords of Light!
Pete writes:
Conan will wade through these punks in a Hyborian minute. He'll be listening to the lamentations of the women in no time!
Polar 8 writes:
Come on Conan will rock. I mean he is a maniac. He'll rip the others to shreds
Pedneau writes:
That Conan would come out on top. This guy took on all kinds of nastiness that are equal and even tougher than him all at once. Giant Snakes, Powerful Wizards, you name it and he's beheaded it. Not to mention the Schwartzinager back up is pretty good too. Not to mention that if any of the other guys says something mean about Crom, Conan's God there in for it.
Crom writes:
C'mon! Conan is the guy who wasted James Earl Jones through extreme capitation. He has fought every nasty in Symmeria and there just isn't anyone as ruthless as he and why the heck didn't Blackstar make it into this fracas?
The Z-man writes:
The Beastmaster is more powerful than any of the others. He has been in the present as well as some little fantasy world. He is stronger than all of the others even without any animals. Of course, Groo is more powerful than all of them, and the accidents don't prevent him from losing. You show your bias by not including him.
predator writes:
I'd have to back Conan on this one. I mean c'mon he's CONAN! He's the most savage, ruthless barbarian ever. I do think Thundarr will give him a run for his money. But in the end, Conan will slaughter these guys. By Crom it will be glorious!
Grifter writes:
He was the first of the barbarians and he will kill and the wannabes. Beastmaster needs is animals which will die fast and easy. Thundarr is helpless without his sunsword. And Fafhrd... well I've never heard of Fafhrd and I doubt I ever will. I give Faf 2 seconds in the ring...
Sailor Xena writes:
OK, here's how it falls. Conan is the first, the original barbarian. He's fought gods, demons you name it. Fafhrd has done the same but doesn't have the experience.
The Beastmaster and Thundarr are cool, but just don't measure. It's going to go down to Conan and Fafhrd; and Conan will win due to his ex-girlfriend spirit guide.
Croaker writes:
Well, there it is. Conan has one thing Thundarr and Beastie lack. Endurance. Sheer stubborn barbarian persistence. They hung him on a tree and he still came back. If it were in the city, Fafhrd knows his way around a lot better, and would probably take it. In the open, I have to give it to Conan.
THE FAT BEAST writes:
Conan is the pimp grandmaster of all barbarians...... he started the genre and he'll kick ass
Hannibal writes:
Thundarr Has the sun sword and much better allies. Plus his show was cool.
Gator Hater writes:
Three of the contenders have only themselves. Thundarr has two intelligent sidekicks, plus a fire sword! how can you think they wouldn't win.
Conan's nothin' but muscle man, now that can't overcome brains and brawn. The Beastmaster can control beasts, but Whiplock can take care of them, and Fafhrd, who's heard of him. Long live Thundarr and his companions.
The Cat writes:
All of these guys are just big dumb Blondes. Which one of these "heroes" can talk grammatical English? I say that Callisto comes out and shows them what fighting means. Go on Girlfriend, show 'em some girl power!
Smiling Jack writes:
- Beastmaster is NOTHING without his Animals.
- Thundarr is a 'Star Wars' rip-off, and a bad one at that (btw, anyone that didn't realize this needs to get out once in a while)
- Conan has fought Wizards, Dragons, and many other viler and nastier things that would make the rest of these guys shit in their pants before they start running for Mommy.
Derrick The Red writes:
Conan takes it. Conan has waxed more ass than any other barbarian on the list. AND he went on to rule his own country...what other barbarian can make that claim? Although I haveta admit, I love the HELL outta Thundarr!
Dath writes:
Bottom line: I know my Samaritan friend Conan could beat out any barbarian... with the possible exception of Kull.
requiem writes:
Conan. He's lasted the longest, and been played by Arnold. Beastmaster would be a close second, but weeeelll.. I kinda lost all respect for him after the movie with the interdimensional thing. the second one was ok, but the first one sucked. Conan however, is a classic. He's had hundreds of comics, been on countless adventures (and therefore has the experience advantage) he's also a lot smarter than those other barbarians. even if it didn't seem like it in the movie.
Chris writes:
Thundarr, in my humble opinion, would probably be the first to go, even with the help of Ookla the Mok, Princess Ariel, and his "fabulous" Sun Sword. I mean, Thundarr was constantly getting captured and/or put under spells by his enemies, and it was always up to the woman (Ariel) and Ookla to save him (The episode "The Brotherhood of the Night" is a good example of this). How ridiculous! It should be the other way around! Next to go would probably be Beastmaster. Sure, he has his trained animals, but Conan and Fafhrd have much experience in fighting with beasts and would slay the Beastmaster's pets, then go postal on Beastmaster. Afterward, when it comes down to the final one-on-one confrontation between Fafhrd and Conan, I'd say that it would be a pretty close battle, but in the end, Conan would come out on top as the victorious barbarian!
Wolf Leader writes:
I had to go with Conan on this one, but first let's look at the other contenders. First there's Fafhrd. What the heck IS Fafhrd anyway? It sounds like a foreign bran cereal! He doesn't even look cool! He's toast! Next there's Thundarr. Now he's pretty good but think of how often he has to depend on his buddies to save his barbarian butt! Without them he'll fight valiantly for a while but then get beat down quickly! Next, there's the Beastmaster. Finally some REAL competition! He can kick major hooga! Unfortunately, his animals aren't as much a help as we'd like to think. Beastmaster is such a good guy that he won't let the animals give him an unfair advantage. He only uses them to keep the other guy fighting fair as well. This explains why Thundarr is out even if he brings his pals. Beastmaster's "pets" and the other Barbarians will kick Thundarr's entourage's ever-lovin' heineys! So it comes down to Conan and the Beastmaster. Without the Beastmaster's critters the e two are pretty evenly matched, but let's face it, Conan is ARNOLD SCHWARTNEGGER! 'Nuff Said!
WhereWolf writes:
I'm, like, so honored, Dudes! If this is Conan from the first movie, Arnold's gonna' terminate 'em! Hey, he whacked James Earl Jones an' a whole army of snake-worshippers. Mark Hamill knows how difficult it is to take down James Earl Jones (it took him 3 movies; at the end of which he didn't kill Jones. It only took Arnold one movie.) I see Beastmaster lastin' longer than any of the others because he has, like, all those animal buddies that he can use to distract and take out the others while he concentrates his futile attacks on Conan (lions and tigers and bears... oh my.) Conan slaughtered a pack of wolves, which is no easy feat in itself. Thundarr will probably take out Fafhrd early in the battle.
LrdChaos writes:
You've got to be kidding, right? I mean Beastmaster? Thundarr? Conan will wipe the floor with those two without even having drawn his sword. Conan DEFINES the word barbarian. Fafhrd, however, will pose Conan a bit interesting challenge (just because he has such a cool name if for no other reason). However, after a good 10 minute brawl, I seen Conan limping out of the fight, carrying 3 grisly heads as trophies of his barbaric ways.
warrl writes:
great battle! Conan will take it. he is the first thing a person thinks of when they hear barbarian. these other guys are not nearly as tough or as smart as Conan. he is gonna kill all three of them take the sun sword and eat the beast masters friends for dinner.
Acelin writes:
Not bad. In pure brute strength, Conan's got the game... BUT.... I voted for Fafhrd because he's one of the FEW barbarians who has ever had thoughts of more than just wine, women and song in his empty head.
The All Mighty Council writes:
The battle is definitely not fair. The decision of this council was 30-0-0-0 in favor of Conan! Conan went up against monsters, wizards, demons and GOdS!!!!!! Conan has gone up against impossible odds, fought off armies and hordes. And if he gets to use his sword from Crom, the other three can kiss their sorry behinds good by. The others have their strengths, but Conan has gone up against the same thing, but they were even stronger, and he won. Hey he could even take them all on, and win. The only one he would have to worry Beast Master for his animals, but if he loses them, good by. Conan will win this one in a matter of minutes {no more than ten}.
Carlos writes:
Thundarr? that loaf? he would run into battle and get his white a** kicked around till Ookla and umm what's her name would bail him out. The Beastmaster? come on, three words "Strait to video". nuff there Fafhrd is the wild card, don't know much on him, but still the original Conan, not Arnold or that goon they have on TV now-days. I mean the graphic novel one, he was crafty and he got the ladies, oh yes he got the ladies. And what is a barbarian with out the ladies? think on that....
JAY: Were back... Ookla and Ariel are both down now... Thundarr is without his Sun Sword...
PAT: Thundarr is enraged... over the edge! He screams a primal scream and launches into final conflict with the Beastmaster.
JAY: Pat, let's turn our attention to a conflict that's shaping up elsewhere... Conan on Fafhrd.
PAT: Jay, I've been keeping an eye on this on the side monitor. Some initial swordplay between the pair has given way to something else...
JAY: Conan and Fafhrd both, perhaps sensing a new challenge, a new test have dropped their swords and are grappling in bare handed conflict....
PAT: Muscles ripple and bulge as they smash and rend one another, testing their strength to the death...
JAY: ..Holy! Thundarr is all over Beastmaster... got him down on the ground, smashing him in the face...
PAT: ...Beastmaster spits teeth and blood... From behind the black panther leaps to the rescue...
JAY: ...Thundarr rolls left! The panther, claws extended, lands on Dar...
PAT: ...Thundarr spots his Fabulous Sun Sword! The ferret's left it under some leaves...
JAY: ...Thundarr rolls on... grabs the sword...
PAT: ...charred feathers fly as Thundarr bats the dive-bombing falcon out of the sky...
JAY: ..The panther leaps...
PAT: ...Thundarr... enraged by the death of his companions... barbarian bloodlust at peak boil... sishkebob's the cat and advances on Dar...
JAY: And Back to Fafhrd and Conan...
PAT: Conan and Fafhrd have each other in mutual death grips about the neck...
JAY: ...sweat pours from their massive pythons as Fafhrd and Conan strain to break the other's neck first...
PAT: ...with a sickening crack, Fafhrd loses his head...
JAY: ...Conan roars to the sky! Blood sprays in a beautiful Technicolor dream!
PAT: Thundarr bursts into the clearing... holding Beastmaster's head in one hand... Sun Sword in the other...
JAY: Conan stands slowly... grimly... holding Fafhrd's head like a weapon.
PAT: The two stand.. eyeing each other speculatively...
'Nuff Said!
FINAL VOTE:
Conan: 225
Beastmaster: 67
Thundarr: 48
Fafhrd: 16
PAT: Jay, Conan has thrown a full wineskin down between them...
JAY: Thundarr grins... A drinking contest to finish out the match. I really like that.
Pictures for this weeks big fight came from:
DISCLAIMER / NOTICE:
Thundarr (TM) is the property (c) of ?
Conan (TM) is the property (c) of Marvel Comics
Beastmaster (TM) is the property (c) of ?
Fafhrd (TM) is the property (c) of Fritz Leiber
This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.
CBUB: The Comic Book Universe Battles
ISSUE #161
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