THE SCENARIO

Live from downtown Khazan, it's the 1998 Khazan Holiday Parade! Clowns, bands, celebrities, and of course, giant balloons roll down a 15 mile stretch of Khazan's main streets. Crowds of cheerful people press close to see this year's Grand Parade Marshall, Leonardo DiCaprio. A perfect set up for an assassination. Ten hitmen entered this contest, but it's come down to three.

GOLGO 13: Duke Togo, the man with the custom-built M-16 rifle. Commanding one MILLION dollars per hit, he also is power-wise the weakest of the three, but more than makes up for it in skill, style, and cunning.

DEADPOOL: Wade Wilson, part of the same project that gave up Wolverine, Wade found himself given an incredible healing factor. Sadly, even this couldn't save Deadpool from the cancer that ravages his body. Fortunately, he takes it in stride.

SCUD, THE DISPOSABLE ASSASSIN: A hitman (hit MACHINE, actually,) from a vending machine, Scud is one mean machine. Scud has taken up the DiCaprio hit as a side job from his mission in the comics, so he will *not* die when Leo buys it.

Who takes DiCaprio and who takes a hard fall?

Join us now for a battle we had to call...

THE SPORTS BOX

HOOPER_X:   Alright, here we are, fight fans - coming to you live and loud!

ZACK:   Oh yeah! This has been a great match so far. 10 top assassins all with one target: Leonardo DiCaprio. As the last couple of days have worn on, we have seen many drop from the field. Today we are down to three... Golgo 13, Scud and Deadpool. Let's go now to our Sideline Commentator, Silent Bob, and see what insights he has.

Silent Bob:   *waves*

ZACK:   Silent Bob, who's your call in today's matchup?

HOOPER_X:   He doesn't speak.

ZACK:   Yeah, I know he doesn't speak... wait.. Silent Bob has opened his trenchcoat to reveal... A Golgo 13 T-Shirt.

Silent Bob:   *nods*

HOOPER_X:   Well, lets go now and get the opinions of some who are very vocal.

YOUR OPINIONS

Favorite letter of the Week

Mr. Silverback writes:

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING

We interrupt this match commentary to bring you an urgent warning bulletin from the Khazan Police Department. Eyewitness reports have confirmed that two assailants who are now wanted for suspicion of murder caused Leonardo DiCaprio's death. They are known as Walter Lord, (author of A Night To Remember, the definitive text of Titanic history) and Dr. Robert Ballard (discoverer of the Titanic, Bismarck and Yorktown). They are armed with the 5 foot long monkey wrench they used to brain DiCaprio during Deadpool's nearly successful attack and should be considered extremely dangerous. If you see these fugitives, you might want to get around to reporting their location sometime between now and next Tuesday. We really want to stress that we don't want any innocent citizens to strain themselves reaching for the phone, so go very slowly if necessary.

In other news, spoon-sized gobbets of DiCaprio's flesh will be available tomorrow morning at Handsome Pete's Bait and Tackle on the shore of the Bay of Khazan, just one block south of the Khazan Red Lobster. Handsome Pete assures us that fish just love the flesh of girly-boy teen idols, so get there early before he runs out.

We now return you too your regularly scheduled program, a match we had to call...Those Who Don't Learn From History Are Destined To Take A Dirt Nap.

The Saint writes:

Nobody'll hurt DiCaprio, cause I'll chuck that wuss under a train before those three goons ever get close!! MWWWAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAA!!!

Lumpenprole writes:

Wait a minute! TEN assassins went after DiCaprio, and only THREE are left?! What the h*** is this? _I_ could kill that pretty boy, and my nickname in high school was "Fat Ass". Ok, regarding the merits of the three contenders: -Scud: Nothing you get out of a vending machine is ever as good as it looks on the display. -Golgo: An assassin with a custom weapon, who boasts of his million-dollar fee. Wasn't that "The Man With the Golden Gun"? -That leaves a meta-human with super healing powers. No contest. He'll kill DiCaprio, and then be so disappointed that he'll take on the other two for sport.

Toby writes:

Well, I've got to admit that I don't know squat about this Mongo 13 guy, but I do know that Mongo McMichaels is the worst of the Four Horsemen, so he's out of the running. I do, on the other hand, know quite a bit about Scud and Deadpool. And knowing what I know, I give the nod to Scud. True, Deadpool has a healing factor, experience, style, and witty dialogue, but he doesn't have bullet-proof skin, guns that don't need reloading, and machine-like accuracy. Deadpool doesn't have lasers. On the other hand, if the point is simply to bust Leo's head open like a watermelon, it's a much more open field. I'd still give the nod to Scud, because he has a critical advantage in a sniper duel: robot hands don't shake. So, in the end, Scud has the edge up close and at long range, which makes him my pick to off "the King of the World."

BL00DANGEL writes:

My vote is definately going to Deadpool. One thing, he just plain kicks ass. Don't get me wrong here, Scud kicks ass too but Deadpool kicks it better. Scud will come up a close second, but Deadpool will win. As for Golgo 13, I don't even care about him. I've never heard of him before and probably will never again. So what if he has a customized M-16. Big deal. Any ol' guy can tke up a gun and dust DiCaprio's ass. It's who can do it with stlye and as fast. Deadpool has a supercharged healing factor and is quick. HE WILL WIN. He talks too much, but he'll still get the job done.

Crow writes:

Puh-LEAZE! Deadpool all the way!! I mean, he's even a chosen Mithras, who is supposed to bring in a messiah.. besides.. he also makes MAD cracks! He'd NEVER miss a chance to insult Leo to death!!The honor! The Glory!! The mad rips!! Not to mention he's got weapons coming out the you-know-what, between what's leftover from Weasle and the interglactic offices of LL&L. Deadpool all the WAY Bay-BEE!!

TheBigGiantHead writes:

I thought Scud couldn't kill, or he'd self destruct? But maybe I'm wrong (unfortunately, never got an issue of his series. Can't find them.) But Deadpool is the winner here. Why? He was the best hitman in the Marvel Universe *BEFORE* ever getting his powers. Now he has them, and his tech allows him to teleport as well. Plus, think of all the wisecracks he can get against guys with names like Scud and Golga. I mean, come on. If you though Kraven the Hunter was easy game...

DA POOLMAN! writes:

Deadpool is the man! He will kick the other contestants asses hands down! Golgo? Whats he without his gun? Also he is just some lame ass video game char with his own comic. And SCUD? Who the hell is he? Never heard of him. Sides ol poolman had fought way tougher foes. Like T-Ray, Juggernaut, Hulk, just to name a few. Deadpool lives with Blind Alfred! If he can handle that old bird, he can handle these wannabe's! GO DEADPOOL! BTW Please have Deadpool make some good cracks! Also a cool fight might be Deadpool vs Spiderman, but in a insult contest. I think Poolman would beat the pants off spidey in that area!

Justicar writes:

I no nothing about any of these guys. So I must summon forth my powers of deduction. Just by looking at the pictures I will determine the winner. Scud - He just looks too darn goofy. He's also disposable, nothing disposable is really all that good. Deadpool - He has a cool name, but he is wearing a mask. That fact tells me he's not confident enough in himself to escape without getting noticed. I'm sorry, but that isn't a confidence builder. He looks cooler than Scud, so he's the runner up. Golgo 13 - He looks like the professional of this group. He also has that anime look, that's an automatic plus. No mask - that tells me - confidence. Also, the skill factor is another plus in my eyes. So Golgo 13 gets my support.

Whacked Dan writes:

First off, who the heck is Gorgo?!! Well, whoever he is, he'll be the first to go down. As for Scud, well I like Scud, he's cool. But even he'll be no match for the awesome wit of Deadpool. Deadpool's the Bugs Bunny of the Marvel Universe, he just can't be put down. Heck, he even desecrated one of the great works of Stan 'The Man' Lee and came out of it smelling like a rose. Deadpool'll take out Gorgo first with a few rounds of high powered ammo and a witty line. He'll go a little easier on Scud , probably hacking his arms and legs off with those swords of his. Then he'll go down to Leo's float and hurl a few smart insults at him before stuffing a grenade in his mouth. After Deadpool collects his fee, he'll go off after the next most hated being on the planet, Barney the purple dinosaur.

The Observer writes:

Golgo-13 all the way! Duke Togo is THE Mack Daddy of assassins. No one knows his real name, no one has ever escaped his rifle. Who needs superpowers?

This is like the Catwoman-Black Cat-Gambit match a few weeks back. In terms of pure SKILL, Golgo-13 is ahead so far, this 'aint even a contest. He's bagged everybody and anybody. He's WORKED for anybody and everybody. Golgo-13 is a complete and utter iceman. He only says what he needs to say, only does what he needs to do. Talk about efficient.

Duke Togo had the combined might of the Pentagon, the FBI, the CIA, and any number of Special Forces units, Mafiosi, and just plain psycho killers gunning for his ass, and he escaped. AND, he put paid to the SOB trying to kill him(AFTER kicking ass through a megalithic office building).

He pulled off a damn-near impossible shot in an area surrounded by cops, through TWO sides of a building,THROUGH bullet-proof glass, and still put one round right between the bastard's eyes. A shot to make those 'Magic Bullet' guys weep. Deadpool is skilled, but he has a temper (and a mouth). Also he has that Wolverine (who I can no longer STAND) healing factor (TM). One of those characters was bad enough! How many more do we need? Scud? I dunno. Don't know much about him. But how reliable can something from a vending machine be? See Dr Strangelove if you want to know what can happen to recalcitrant vending machines. This will only take 3 shots: One for Leonard. One for Deadpool. One for Scud. Go Golgo-13! All pretenders are going to be buried deeper than a proctologist's arm.

Azrael writes:

Remember, this is Deadpool we're talking about, the biggest comic book wise-ass since Spiderman. He takes on the Juggernaut and doesn't bat an eye. He takes every assignment with a sense of stride and enjoyment. And, most of all, he's a follower of the 'If you're gonna do it, make the explosion REALLY big' school of thought. Screw secrecy. Deadpool'll kill DiCaprio in plain sight, and then unload a plasma cannon on his screaming fans.

Yugadesrial writes:

Let's face it, Deadpool is like the ultimate merc. He went from being a Rob Leifeld stock character who got his butt handed to him by the New Mutants to the most kickass dude with a title to his name out there today. This guy not only has a expert killing ability but he wears down most prey with his mouth first. Yep, DP is the kinda guy who would stalk up to Golgo 13 going "Eeech! Ow! That smarts! Owie! Ouch! Stop that! Oh yeah that's the spot. Ow, that hurt!" while Golgo shot at him and then he would just pull out his katana and "Yummmmmmmmyyyyy...Japanese shish-ke-bob!" While cleaning his sword and letting the healing factor kick in, Scud would be hot on Leo's trail. Deadpool, being the sharing kinda guy he is, would let Scud use his robot skills to locate Leo and just as he was about to do the deed "Pow!", he beaned in the head with a...well, Golgo's head. Follow that up with an electronic scrambling device and DP would gut the 'bot with banter like "Hey, I wonder what this does? Hmmmm...this th ing anatomically correct? AH, he doesn't need that. Here's his CPU. I'll program him to think he's all three stooges. HA!". Later on, DP would catch up to Leo on a leisurely plane flight and would calmly get up out of his seat walk over to Leo and "Y'know, I really liked you What's Eating Gilbert Grape. That character was my kinda guy. And This Boy's Life? I could relate to that one man but Titanic? Man, did you sell out. That one kinda sucked. Nothing against ya personally or nothin' but some people are demanding acquisence. Well, it's curtain call. Say goodnight Gracie!" Ha! Gotta love that Deadpool!

LVtheman writes:

I'm sayng Deadpool, all the way. He's lethal, cool, and he just looks so darn good in red. Scud is kinda goofy, the Golgo 13 dude is overpriced and underpowered, and Leo would be protected from these types. Not Deadpool, however. Deadpool has that unconventional style that'd let him pop off a head shot to Leo _and_ Celine Dion before she could start singing. Security wouldn't even have time to react, especially not to some one from the weapon x project. Deadpool wins my vote.

LordFish writes:

Okay, okay okay...wait just a minute...you're doing a hitman battle and you aren't including the greatest one of all, Tommy Monaghan? Now thats just nutty. Anyways, in this fight I had to go with Golgo 13 after little thought. I mean look at it this way, they aren't really fighting each other to kill one another, they're fighting to kill someone else....and whoever does it first wins. Deadpool. I don't know much about him, but he's dressed like a superhero, and as far as I can tell, uses swords. That means that 1. He has to get really close to Leo, (Who's gonna be right out in the open surrounded by fans) and 2. Is gonna be really conspicuous. I don't care if it's a parade, you just don't see that many spandex-clad ninja's running around these days. Some greasy rent-a-cop will slow him down and by the time he cuts him down (or whatever) it'll be too late. Scud. C'mon, being a robot is worth precisely jack considering his rather inefficient fire-power based technique won't get him far in a tough town like Khazan. And then theres the Proffesional. He'll blend in, no one will pay him more than a passing glance, and before the others have even gotten through the crowd Golgo 13 will have climbed a SuperBeer sign half a mile away, and taken Leo out with a shot through several buildings; just to make it a challenge.

DamieN Brimstone writes:

Now here is a fight where everone will be winner, as long as that girlie Shitanic dork gets sent back to Hell, where he belongs. here is my take on the compeitors. Scud: A bumbling robot who is meant to be comedic. And his video game sucked. Golgo 13: What can I say about Golgo? Well lets see, he's looks like a reject from the 40s, he has a stupid name, and with Monica Lewinsky roamin the Earth, who knows where his cigar's have been? His only advantage is that he is probably the least famous of the three. Deadpool: Now here is a real assassin, a guy who looks like a ninja, has mutant powers, and has fought the X-Men. Plus, he is adept at both long and close range fighting. Not that he'll need those skills for this job. He'll jump down from some rooftop overlooking the parade, take out Dicaprio, and then he will dissapear faster than a dog left in front of a Vietnamese resturaunt.

Jeff "T-REX" Hayes writes:

It would have to be Gologo 13. He is one of the baddest assaians alive. Only The Punisher is eve or The Professional really able to take out the commie trash like my man Gologo 13.

Edward, The Spoony Bard writes:

Golgo's the man with the plan on this one. While Scud beats out the others in terms of firepower, and Deadpool has resilence, the fact is, they're trying to kill Leonardo, not each other. Deadpool, who's just a tad insane, would probably go straight out in the open, where Scud would try to race him to the target. While they're both fighting, Golgo would pull a sniper and off the Punk. He's got more brains than the other two, and is more apt to use it, rather than go in with guns blazing, as is typical of Scud and 'Pool.

Dark Queen writes:

Well, I suppose it has to be Deadpool, mostly because he can heal himself if anything were to happen to him. Well, 'cept for the cancer but that doesn't seem to slow him down. To tell you the truth, I really don't care who is hired, just as long as they kill DeCRAPrio!!! So just get the job done already!

Daki writes:

Duke Togo...Golgo 13...the James Bond of the assasin world! Golgo 13 doesn't have the powers of the other two, but he has more experience than both put together and multiplied by 1,000,000! He took on the entire CIA and its top two Assasins (Gold and Silver) and still came out alive. Still don't believe me? Let's look at some of his accomplishments: Took out a top-ranking official by shooting from one high-rise, through the windows of the next high-rise, and hit the target that was surrounded by bullet proof glass! This man can shoot the dick off a hummingbee from 1,000 yards! That kind of skill wins in any battle.

Charge Man writes:

Scud. This vending machine psycho is it, man. Obviously, the bot rules. While Scud, by definition, is disposable, he won't take no for an answer. Even though he won't self-destruct when his target is destroyed, he will not stop until DiCaprio goes down with the ship. Get ready, Leo, because you'll feel some "Growing Pains" that will hurt more than "Poison Ivy" once Scud clears your "Basketball Diaries" faster than a "Total Eclipse", plucks you riper than "Don's Plum", throws your face into the wall of "Marvin's Room", signs you into "The Quick and the Dead" via the "Foot Shooting Society", killing you faster than "Romeo + Juliet" died and "A Hundred and One Nights of Simon Cinema" combined, chews you up faster than "What's Eating Gilbert Grape", and not even the "Man in the Iron Mask" will be able to protect you from the yellow one, so "This Boy's Life" as a "Celebrity" will end in this fight of "Titanic" proportions.

Quamp Jr. writes:

Deadpool dominates! In Wizard, they show Deadpool beating Hitman! Hitman is a telepath. I say deadpool slices 'em up, and for a stylish finish, he gets his girlfriend, sort of, Siryn of X-Force to break every bone in their bodies. 'Nuff said

The Colonel writes:

Deadpool is DA MAN. I mean, I've seen a review of Scud's game on the Sega Saturn, AND IT SUCKS!! Anyone with a lousy promotion like that SHOULD _NOT_ WIN! Deadpool's got a healing factor, and that'll help him when getting away from the crazed Leo "girl-fans", though it won't help him on the job itself. He's also a trickier character and knows how to get around obstacles. As for cops, well, let's say that they'll spot the machine and Mr. #13 (or whatever his name is!), because both think methodically. Deadpool, however, thinks in loops. That way the poor cops will NEVER figure out how will he do it. He's also a WAY COOL character, and cool characters always win in the end! Besides, Deadpool has his genius-friend to help him on his mission. The other two don't have an Einstien handy (too bad!). Besides, anyone who got picked over Wolverine mustbe REAL good at his job!! While he's at it, Deadpool may decide to rid himself PERMANENTLY of some of his competition.(Heh-heh). So open up a can of WHOOP-ASS, my man Deadpool, and keep laughing ALL the way to the bank!! P.S. Thanks for taking up my suggestion of killing unbearable "syruppy-cute" characters in a fight. I'd like a crack at DiCaprio myself!

geniepants writes:

Gotta take Wade on this one. He's got the skills, the healing factor, and his wise cracks can distract anyone. That, and I'm not to familiar with the others. (Never heard of Golgo-13.)

Dizzy D writes:

I don't know that first guy, I like Scud, but I love Deadpool. I mean this guy killed an army of Marvel loser villains and heroes in that Wizard Special. And he shot the clones of Uncle Ben and Aunt May. Three cheers for Wade.

THE BATTLE

ZACK:   Well, look there. It's the Grand Marshal of the parade himself. Leonardo DiCaprio atop a big float.... Whoa! I think we have action here! Scud just came out of NOWHERE! He's making a break for the float!

Scud:   WAHOO! I'M THE KING OF THE WORRRRLD!!

HOOPER_X:   No WAY! Deadpool just showed, and he ain't happy. We've got a *live* audio feed on the field... let's run the audio...

Deadpool:   What the hell are *you* supposed to be? Some kinda Mystery Science Theater reject?

Scud:   I'm Jesus with a laser gun, and YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!

ZACK:   Oh man, this is COOL! They're going at it heavy, hand to hand. You figure Deadpool'd have this one tied up, but Scud's really impressive!

Deadpool:   That the best you can do, Ronald McDonald? I've seen better moves from a microwave! Oh. Wait, you *are* Hitman-In-A-Can... damn imports...

HOOPER_X:   Man...they're getting awful close to DiCaprio's float ...

Crowd:   Wo-hoo! Go! Go! Maim! Kill! Go!

Leo:   Who are you? What the hell is this? SECURITY!!! SECURITY!!!

Deadpool:   Man, SHUT UP!!! I'm trying to kill you here....

Leo:   Kill me? MOMMY!!!!

ZACK:   Hey... the crowd's really getting into this! They think it's part of the parade! Leo looks a little nervous though. Is that a damp stain in his pants?

HOOPER_X:   WHOA! Scud just used his finger as a garrote! He's choking Deadpool!

Scud:   Rock the Casbah.

ZACK:   ..And fires off a round for good measure... taking off Deadpool's entire left hand! Blood sprays everywhere! What a show!

Deadpool:   Okay... NOW I'm pissed. Play time's over, Tinkertoy.

HOOPER_X:   Silent Bob, do you hear us? Do you see Golgo-13??

Silent Bob:   *jumps up and down, pointing a finger madly*

ZACK:   What's he pointing...

HOOPER_X:   Holy SNOT! It's Golgo-13! He's on top of the "Titanic" balloon! It doesn't seem that anyone's noticed him yet, though...

ZACK:   Uh-oh... Golgo's thumbing back the catch on his custom M-16... He's squeezing the trigger...

HOOPER_X:   ...as Deadpool lets fly with a fistful of shuriken for Scud.

ZACK:   Those won't hurt Scud...

HOOPER_X:   No! A stray shruiken ricochets off Scuds armor... and hits the Titanic balloon! It's deflating, and Golgo-13 is coming with it!

ZACK:   It looks like Golgo-13 is out... no, wait! Golgo-13 is riding the dead baloon down, with style. He's got the M-16!

HOOPER_X:   He's saying something...

Golgo 13:   Time to die.

Golgo-13's M-16:   BRAPPPABRAPPABRAPPABRAPPABRAAAP!

HOOPER_X:   Yikes! That tore Deadpool UP! ... He's out on the floor!

ZACK:   Yeah, but Scud is still in good shape, and he's ticked!

HOOPER_X:   Yeah, you *don't* wanna tick off a killer robot who looks like Ronald McDonald...

ZACK:   Um... Hoop... I think Scud just heard you... He's pointing his gun at the booth...

HOOPER_X:   AH, he can't get in here... besides... he's still gotta ace Leo. Look at them GO! Scud lunges, but Golgo feints... he's rolling to the side... Scud comes up empty handed!

ZACK:   Golgo-13 just got an opening! Scud sees it, and he is moving for Leo...

HOOPER_X:   Golgo-13 shoots... and... NO! He hit SCUD!

ZACK:   He meant to, Hoop... You nut... A masterful, precision shot from Golgo may have just taken Scud out of this contest... now, Golgo's leveling the gun at Leo....

DiCaprio Parade Float:   KA-BOOOOOOOOOM!

ZACK:   WOW! The entire Grand Marshal float Leo was on just blew up! What happened?

HOOPER_X:   I dunno, but I see Scud, and I see Golgo-13, and they're confused...

ZACK:   Hey... It's Deadpool, over there! Making his way through the crowd... and holding a detonator...

THE FINAL VOTE

'Nuff Said!

FINAL VOTE:

Golgo: 169

Scud: 215

Deadpool: 518

THE WRAP UP

HOOPER_X:   Well... Looks like Deadpool had this one rigged all along... Man... look at all those teenaged girls down there... they're taking this badly.... The cops are out in force... Scud and Golgo seem to have made good their escapes, tho...

ZACK:   Oh, shut up, you. Just be glad that Scud didn't hear that Ronald Mc---

SportsBox Door:   Krash!

SCUD:   Smart Asses

Pistol:   Blam! Blam! Blam!

SCUD:   Thanks for watching, folks. That was Hooper_X, and that was Zack. For Silent Bob, and the stiffs, I'm Scud.
Pictures for this weeks big fight came from:

Official Scud Homepage.

Golgo-13.

Deadpool pics from Hooper_X's Private Stash.

DISCLAIMER / NOTICE:

Deadpool (TM) is the property (c) of Marvel Comics

Scud (TM) is the property (c) of Rob Schrab

Golgo 13 (TM) is the property (c) of (?) *unknown*

This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.

CBUB: The Comic Book Universe Battles