Built FORD Tough
Indy VS. Ryan Vs. Solo
With your Special Guest Hosts ZephyrHawk and Euterpe
Deep in the Amazon jungle, a near extinct tribe of cannibals has been driven to desperation by the anger of their fierce volcano god Matmooch. They have kidnapped the president's daughter for use in their nefarious rituals. Only one man can save her. It is merely a question of which of his multiple identities will prevail... Jack Ryan, Han Solo or Indiana Jones. Need we say more?
Join us now for a battle we had to call...
THE SPORTS BOX
Euterpe: We're LIVE outside the
Temple of Matmooch. Good evening. I'm Euterpe.
ZephyrHawk: And I'm ZephyHawk.
We'll be filling in for Pat and Jay as they've spent the last few days
in line waiting to see the Star Wars trailer.
Euterpe: It's hot and humid today,
just like it is every day here in the Amazon jungle. Our three heroes
should be arriving any moment now.
ZephyrHawk: Yes, in fact, I think I
see their helicopter now! It's hovering over the temple and our three
appear to be rappelling down onto the roof.
Euterpe: Ryan opted for Marine
fatigues today. Rrowwl!
ZephyrHawk: Calm down Euterpe and
let's see some comments from the loyal fans.
Favorite letter of the Week
If Adventure has a name, it must be Indiana Jones.
*bobs his little black wolfie head left and right singing the Raiders of
the Lost Ark theme*
duhhh duh Dunt DUHNNN..... duhh duh Duhhhh...
Jack Ryan is a no show for this one. He doesn't like to leave the office.
He's more at home in a CIA Black Ops Command Room than he is trudging
through South American jungles. And he can't take a punch the way Indiana
Jones can... but the guy's smart. Maybe if they worked together, Ryan
could pinpoint the exact square foot of land the chick's on, then turn the
information over to the other two.
Solo, if we're talking the original trilogy Solo an' not the messed up one
from the Special Edition, isn't above gunning down a guy who's botherin'
him. Unfortunately, he loses his cynicism as the trilogy progresses (even
though his acting gets better as it does.) But lose the Falcon or the
heavy blaster, an' Han is pretty worthless.
So, guess who I cast MY vote for? Sure, Indy suffers from the same luck as a roadkill skunk, but he's the
only one who isn't afraid to get a little dirty. AND, he fights dirty.
None of that Tap-the-Storm Trooper on the shoulder and lure him into a group
of troops for Dr. Jones. He'll pull a bazooka, then threaten to blow the
cannibals AND the president's daughter away. He knocks big guys into
propellers, infiltrates Nazi camps, speaks two dozen languages, he'll
blend in, disappear, you'll never see him again... with any luck, he's got
the president's daughter already.
duhhh duh Dunt DUHHHH..... duhh duh duhnn Duhnn DUTT! :)
Matt. Just Matt. Nothing clever. I guess I'm just too dull to live. writes:
Indiana Jones. He fought the _real_ Nazi's, the ones who proved they can actually shoot people in battle after battle. Han fought Storm Troopers, who have lasers and yet never hit anyone ever. And Jack Ryan is Alec Baldwin anyway.
My 2": Han Solo- a very good smuggler, but a lousy fighter. Ran for his life aboard the Death Star in Star Wars episode 4; got captured, tortured and frozen in episode 5; and led a commando team into a trap in episode 6. Ryan: a former pencil-pusher who's survived a few close calls. Not that tough when he doesn't have an entire intelligence organization to back him up. Indiana Jones: Experienced with both jungle and desert terrain, extremely skilled in spotting traps, handy with both gun and whip, and has survived more personal attempts to kill him than the other two characters combined. Just tell Indy that the president's daughter is carrying a long-lost artifact in her backpack, and he would rescue her if he had to fire walk across molten lava.
Han Solo will win hands down. He has a blaster and a Wookie to back him up. Ryan is just another pain-in-the-ass politician and Indy is a washed-up explorer. Plus, if the need arose, Han could call upon his Jedi companion Luke for assistance. The Jedi would mop the floor with the other guys. Right after he used the force to crush their skulls.
Lady Alhana Brightblade writes:
Is this even a match?! Solo has it in the bag! He has the Millennium Falcon, High Tech weaponry, Chewbacca, and a girlfriend who will be super angry if he is offed. I don't know about you but I wouldn't want to be around when Leia tryís to off who ever hurt Han Solo.
I voted for Indy, but it wasn't an easy decision. All are heroic and will do what they can to help save the hostage. All also have particular advantages. Jack Ryan - has the most accurate information on the mannerisms / description of the President's daughter. However, in Clear and Present Danger he failed to realize that he was carrying a dead guy around. He's also not as legendary as either of the other two. Han Solo - Is a skilled shot, a daredevil and is lucky. Yet host of his action is in space. He is more of a pilot than a ground pounder. Indiana Jones - He possesses the base skills of the other two. He also possesses home field advantage, more so than Ryan. He is at home in a jungle. He speaks their languages, knows their customs, he'll blend in... with any luck at all he has the hostage already.
Blue Beetle writes:
Han Solo lives in a space-age, with advanced technology. Neither Indy nor Ryan could beat this! Now, if Han was disallowed any kind of superior technology, Indy would win, but as it stands, this fight makes as much sense as windows+98 vs. master system 1!
schultztown usa writes:
I love Indy and jack Ryan all to death. but Han solo hangs out with Chewbacca. and this takes place in the jungle. nuff said.
Hari Seldon writes:
Han Solo shall rescue the 'princess' 1) He has managed to rescue one already from the most secure installation in the known galaxy. (The Death star VIP imprisonment suite), Primitive tribes people are hardly more threatening than a laser capable of destroying a planet, Hordes of storm troopers (admittedly can be beaten up by teddy bears), Vader and fleets of tie fighters. 2) Has millennium Falcon, Jack is lucky to have a helicopter 3) Has Chewi to rip the arms of the others if he loses. Han Just shoots his way in, Claims to be volcano god and gets the princess.
Ryan would be eliminated early on. Probably by a freak accident. Indy is tough, however Solo is a wild card. Main point Indy can't keep his pistol loaded and his only backup is a whip. "Hokie sidekicks and cheesy weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side." 'nuff said.
Julius Caesar I think it was who said: "Some are born great, some become great, and some have greatness thrust upon them!" Jack Ryan is the archetypal reluctant hero. The man is a researcher for the CIA for Gods sake, not a field agent! He's good in the movies, but he always looks as if he is lost and would really rather not be doing this, thank you very much. Han Solo is born great. He's a cardboard cut-out hero. He always looks as if he KNOWS he has script immunity. Besides, the love scene before he gets frozen makes you want to puke. You have just gotta go with the man who achieves greatness, Indy Jones. He's resourceful, he's smart (he shoots people who are tougher at hand to hand them him!) He will win this!
Harrison Ford's Biggest Fan Ever writes:
I think Harrison Ford is gonna win because he's better than those other 3 buffoons I've never heard of before.
that Solo has the advantage. Being the mild Star Wars fan that I am, I know that Han Solo is from Corellia, and Corellians have no respect for the odds. So, Han is obviously not worried, and that combined with his ingenuity will get him the winning ticket..
All right Ford fans, lets check a few stats here. Ryan isn't even a consideration here so let's check out the real competitors. First of all, allies:
- Indy has a dad that treats him like a four-year-old at K-mart, a couple of particularly stupid gophers, and a pretty dame that is either brainless or working for the bad guys.
- Solo has Luke (not necessarily a plus), Chewie (Big plus with lots of attitude and muscle), Wedge and all of the Rogues, and a pretty dame with lots of brains, nothing but loyalty, and a royal heritage.
- Indy has a colt, whip, and an old hat.
- Solo has a blaster, and Modified Corelian YT2000 Light Stock Freighter that set the record on the Kessel run.
- Indy outwits dumb nazi's (sometimes), steals ancient treasures (sometimes... He didn't get the Ark or the Grail), and scores with a great looking actress once in every movie (everytime).
- Solo helped bring down the Galactic Empire, ambushed Darth Vader during the trench run, took out the shields of the Death Star II, vaporized Zinj's Imp Star Duece with just two concussion missiles, wins whole planets in card games, and got Leia.
The way I call it, Indy will spot a snake and run home to dad while Han flies in with the Falcon and starts a new South American religion where the tribe will come everyday to worship their new hairy dog-god with gold and silver and learn to play sabacc. Han in 2 parsecs.
The Almightycouncil writes:
I think that Han solo will win because he put up with Luke Skywalker.
OK, Indy has God on his side, Solo has The Force, and Ryan has the U.S. Government. All THINK they're the ultimate being/entity of the universe, so which one IS the ultimate force? The whip in Indy's hand...
Well... I am a fan of all three roles, but one simply must admit that Indiana has the right stuff in spades. He's got the brains, he's got the brawn... and he's got the "I'm not gonna quit until I've both the girl AND the treasure" attitude. Ryan is too worried about politics... And solo... hell. I donít even think he could get the falcon started in time to get to this match.
Euterpe: The contestants are about to
enter the temple now, we're going to our remote cams. Many good CIA
operatives lost their lives installing these cameras. I think we should
have a moment of silence for them.
ZephyrHawk: No time, our three
competitors have begun lowering themselves to the floor through a hole
in the roof with their grappling hooks. Okay, they're on the floor.
Euterpe: They're just surveying the
landscape. They've found a stone slab door. There appears to be some
archaic text inscribed above it. Indy seems to be translating.
Indy: To enter through this door,
one must use the power of the force...
Euterpe: Indy seems to be scratching
his head. They all look stumped. Everyone knows that only a Jedi master
controls the powers of the force.
ZephyrHawk: Wait, they seem to be
ZephyrHawk: This is amazing! The
three have rammed their shoulders in unison against the stone and forced
Euterpe: They've entered the main
temple room now. There appears to be three rope bridges suspended above
a pit of snakes. And--there! Across the pit. It's the president's
ZephyrHawk: She is apparently tied to
a totem pole behind which stands a large grotesque effigy of Matmooch.
Indy: Snakes...why did it have to be
ZephyrHawk: There seems to be some
sort of commotion. Someone has come barreling out of the shadows dressed
as a native. Is that--Alec Baldwin?
Baldwin: YOU STOLE MY SERIES!!
ZephyrHawk: Now here's an
interesting turn of events. Alec Baldwin has just attacked Jack Ryan.
They both lost their balance in the struggle and have tumbled over the
edge into the snake pit.
Euterpe: Well, that's one down. Darn
shame too. Alec had on one HOT outfit!
ZephyrHawk: In the meantime, both
Indy and Solo have now made it across their respective bridges.
Euterpe: They seem to be arguing as
to who will untie the girl. Hold on, a poisoned arrow just flew past
Indy's nose. They're whizzing all around now. Looks like the tribe's been
waiting in ambush.
ZephyrHawk: Indy's untying the
hostage while Solo's standing in front of them blasting away at the
Euterpe: She's free! The three of
them are now retreating across the middle bridge with Han covering from
behind. That bridge doesn't look too stable...
ZephyrHawk: They're almost
across--there! Indy and the president's daughter are safe.
Euterpe: Oh no! The bridge broke and
Han wasn't across yet. Indy reaches out a hand at the very last second--
ZephyrHawk: And Indy's got 'em!
pulling a slightly rumpled Han to safety now.
Euterpe: Whew! That was close. Han's
patting Indy on the back.
Solo: Thanks buddy, you're a real
ZephyrHawk: Hey! Han just took a
swing at Indy with his other hand. Boy, was that a cheap shot. Indy's
down for the count and Han's taken off with the girl for the exit.
Euterpe: Indy's up again already.
He's rubbing his sexily stubbled chin as if it hurts. He's taken off
after the other two at full speed.
ZephyrHawk: He's almost caught up to
them. They--wait--they've all stopped. It's as if they hear something.
Euterpe: I think I hear it too. After
a short glance behind all three of them have taken off running for their
ZephyrHawk: They're being chased by
an enormous boulder! Indy's ahead! No, now Solo has the lead. The
exit is just meters away.
Euterpe: Hold a minute--where did
Solo go? Looks like he's fallen into a hole of some sort.
ZephyrHawk: Lucky for Dr. Jones and
the girl, they were watching where they were going. They managed to jump
the ditch and--they've made it! They're in the clear!
THE FINAL VOTE
THE WRAP UP
Euterpe: Solo is climbing out of
the hole now. He seems shaken, but not stirred.
ZephyrHawk: That's a wrap folks.
We're outta here!
Fight written and produced by Carolyn Frances Jones and ZephyrHawk
Pictures for this weeks big fight came from:
Harrison Ford Page.
Indy Fan Dot Com.
DISCLAIMER / NOTICE:
Harrison Ford (TM) is the property (c) of Harrison Ford
This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.