I Ain't Your Mental Bitch
Closed Mind: Superior
Sara McDonnigle, "Kids Matter Online Movie Analysis": Your kids should not see this movie. They just shouldn't. Send them back home to play BARE CHESTED THUGS 2ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ - that would be healthier for them then this mindless movie, rife with profanity, gratuitous sex, and horrible gory violence. For example, one scene in this movie, with lines that impressionable minds will repeat ad naseum, involves one of the "heroes" of this movie, "Corey", played by Joey Wachtel, has just blown away six thugs with a M-16 assault rifle, calling them all sorts of crude names, and then faces down a mentalist, who stares at him for several seconds. Corey's eyes bulge for just a second, and then he takes a large handgun and shoves it up the mentalist's rectum, shooting upwards, saying "I ain't your mental b----". John then promptly adds "Way to poke him in his m-----f----- third eye". I fear that kids will be saying these stupid lines all day long, emulating these nasty characters. Plus, the way the heroes of this movie continually insult and injure mentalists is just perpetuating the myth of the evil mentalist, who really, for the most part are good people.
Pimp Daddy of all Pimp Daddies
Pheremones: Superior
Terry Richards, "Khazan Today": The F-word, or some derivative thereof, is used 180 times in this movie, even more times than in the 2000 version of "Shaft". And that gets annoying after about the fifth time in two minutes. Just makes you feel like yelling "Shut the F--- up" at the screen. Funny, since I counted that line being used twelve times in the movie. But that wasn't what got me. What got me was how the Sonz of Mojo had women flocking to them. I mean, for crying out loud, ten minutes in, after they blow away a Lowtown crime lord at point blank range, splattering blood, brains, and ocular fluid all over the place, John's got the scantily clad mistress (Elizabeth Shemlass, whose only prior acting credits were in Adult films) who was screaming in horror in one scene fawning over him in the next scene, and ending up in the back of the truck with him, getting "a little John-sausage". Now there's a line I don't want to ever hear again. And I won't even go into the scene where Corey calls himself the "Pimp Daddy of all Pimp Daddies"
Dark Blue Smiting Canoe
Vehicle: Superior
Jim Carrillelli, "Good Morning, Khazan": In the most ludicrous product placement in movie history, the '99 Ford Ranger that the Sonz of Mojo drove has been recast as a '03 KMC Hunter half-ton pickup. At least it's the same color as the "Dark Blue Smiting Canoe". But that's the only connection that this movie has to reality when it comes to the vehicle, as this little DBSC takes insane amounts of punishment and keeps on ticking, while my Hunter runs over a thumbtack and gets a flat tire, or hits a curb and breaks an axle. Watch this clip from the movie, as John and Corey catch some "mad air" in an impossible stunt for this truck's real-life flimsy suspension. They say something about their stupid truck being "blessed by Yampu", and obviously this must be some blessing - as a rocket-propelled grenade explodes in front of the truck, just messing up the paint job. When John and Corey drive in one of eight different car-chase sequences, they break almost every traffic law, and drive with a suspended grasp of reality. Please, for the love of God, don't drive like these idiots drive in the movie.
Cliched Action Hero Shooting
Marksman: Standard
Tony Brown, Khazan Sun Times: The first movie to have a 200 Million KD opening weekend, "Sonz of Mojo: The Takedown" truly has to be the stupidest action movie to ever be released. The overwhelming majority of the tickets were sold to young males between 18 and 24, although when I went to see it, there were a lot of younger teens there as well. The story is a stylized telling of the legend of the Sonz of Mojo, John and Corey, the prophets of the Mexican Trick God, Yampu. The story would have been dumb enough just telling about these rejects, but it got stupider. It plunges into non-stop ridiculous action, the cheesiest dialogue, unexplained motivations, and pure chaos. Among the movie cliches used in this is the classic "Hero can't miss" plot device, as we watch these troublemaking proselytizers shoot their ludicrous arsenal and make all sorts of impossible shots. How the hell can John, whom we see often with a fifth of Vodka in one hand and a .50 Desert Eagle in the other, shoot while so slobbering intoxicated he'd couldn't tie his shoes, while Corey's yelling in his ear, "Shoot him in the nads" ? This movie doesn't strain believability, it snaps it in pieces.
What iditot gave them guns?
Weapons Creation: Supreme
- Ranged Attack Only
- Area Affect
Ben Youngers, Chairman, Khazan Film Institute: "Bulldog" Jones has come up with a screenplay that substituted pyro for plot and cleavage for character development, and BDWP productions pulled together a "motley creu" of B-movie actors and threw in some actresses whose only assets are silicone heavy. It seems that the back of the Sonz of Mojo truck is chock-full of all sorts of weapons, from a .50 Desert Eagle to several K-5 Machine Pistols to a KOMBG OITWMHGTFWTO BIG GUNN. Good god, if it has a trigger, it's in the back of that half-ton pickup, and used by the Sonz of Mojo at some point in this two hour orgy of mindless action. Now, if only they could have found a decent screenplay and some actors who could actually act...
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