Hall Of Fame!

Survival - 10 Wins!

Brutal - 2 Fatalities

AFFILIATION

Alignment: Villain

Team: Freelance Villain

VITAL STATS

Strength: Weak

Agility: Weak

Mind: Supreme

Body: Weak

RECORD

Personal Wins: 10

Personal Losses: 3

Devin

I hate necromancers. No, seriously, they're the cause of all the world's evils and problems. Well, maybe just my problems, but from my perspective...ugh, I'm getting ahead of myself. My name is Elias McDonnel. Yes, I look like a ten year old. There's a good reason. See, I was a ten year old. Was. I was like any other, too. Laughing, playing, acting like a spoiled brat when things didn't go my way, blah blah, whatever. One day, I'm playing kickball in the front yard, right? And someone-I think it was Brian-he kicks it into the street. So I go and get it. In case you forgot, ten year olds aren't the brightest, so I kinda missed the bus barreling down the road. Actually, I didn't miss the bus-I forgot to step out of its way. The funeral looked nice, or at least it did from the afterlife. Yeah, I went to Heaven-good place, I tell ya. No worries, just fun all day, every day. I played kickball some more-did I mention spirits in Heaven keep their earth mentality? Well, they do. A ten year old in Heaven-I had a blast, man. Kicking back with the angels and ancestors and people I vaguely knew...well, anyways, one day that all ended. Not Heaven, mind you, just my time there. I'm playing four square or some nonsense game and BAM! Back here with the living, and right in front of me is some guy in a wizard's robe who looks like he's about to piss himself. He runs off, and I'm standing there dumbfounded. Now, it took me a few decades to figure it out, but apparently he was a necromancer-in-training, trying to summon some zombie or whatnot for a midterm at wherever those guys train. Well, he sure screwed that up. A ten year old. Nice work, Chief. Nice. Anyways, so I'm down on your realm again, and I've been for quite a while, and I got Captain Failure the Necromancer (I don't know his real name yet-I'll kill him if I find him) to blame. So, now I have to find out exactly how I can die again to return to Heaven-or maybe now Hell or Purgatory or Limbo. I'm not too particular.

Hm? Why do I talk like a bitter adult, then? Because I am one, moron. Look, apparently resurrected spirits get to mature mentally but not physically. Think about that for a minute. You know what it's like to try to hold an intelligent conversation on politics to someone trying to escort you to grade school? Not fun, I assure you. And puberty? Well, that sucked royally. Bit the proverbial big one. And so I've had a few decades, maybe a century now, just to sit and think of my predicament. And no one's killed me, or cured me, or even come close. It gets old, really ridiculously fast. Not only that, you got paladins calling me unholy-hey, Saint Xavier, I CAME from your God, okay? I am a little more versed on the ways of Heaven. Then you got the evil mage types trying their hand. Oh, thank you, Master Sidel, you REALLY got far! Look at me now, still trapped here! Yippie-Skippie! And the Void people? I hate them too, though they don't really try their hand as often at getting rid of me. Oh well. After a while, seeing random uber-human types and robots and mystics try and fail gets old. Wow, nice fire spell. I saw five last week that were better, but it's not bad. You want to approach me? You better be able to impress. I don't have time to wait for Johnny Average Hero to find a way to help me. Get me outta here fast, or get outta my way.

I'm a ghost there, son

     Phasing: Ultimate

You know why they all fail? See, apparently this necromancer-let's call him Joe-well, Joe didn't know jack about how to raise the body. You guessed it, instead of getting his own personal zombie, he got me. A ten year old's ghost. "WOOH-HOO! QUICK, REGGIE! I GOT A TEN YEAR OLD! A FEW MORE AND WE HAVE AN ARMY! HAHAHAHA!" Joe must really be dumb. What's sad is how effective his mistake is. I have to sit there and watch as swords and fireballs and the occasional nuke pass through me. Nice work, Hero-Boy, you fried the block behind me. Way to go, you'll be the talk of the town now. No no, please try shooting me with that rifle. Dollarcorp, you say? Great, maybe they know something KOMBG and Abdul didn't know with last week's gunners. Wait-nope, you shot the car behind me. Whee! You wanna load the next clip? I swear, watching them try to help me go back to Heaven is like watching the same old rerun every day on TV. If I really had an ambition to save the universe or destroy it or even pull off cool tricks, this would rule. Unfortunately, I don't. I hate you, Joe.

Look what else Joe did!

     Necromancer: Ultimate

Oh, but I forgot the best part. See, heroes don't just see me and think "Ah-HA! A little boy! I must smite him for the greater good of Khazan!" Well, a few dumber ones might, and the villains do, but, see, they usually have a better reason. Joe apparently was going nuts on the summoning the wrong thing track that day. Apparently, he mixed up a spell to give his zombie-the one he failed to summon-some cool fire breath power with a really, really major protection spell. You know, the kind they teach the really advanced students. Well, yeah, somehow he accidentally chose that one. Joe was a moron with some nice blind luck, I guess. So what it meant was his created zombie wouldn't have that cool breath, but a much more powerful creature protecting him. Only there's no zombie, but me. Get it? No? Well, now my little ghost body is "protected" from threats by a major demon. Yay. That'll help the ol' bid to get back to Heaven.

Kyrex, Lord of the Damned

     Necromancer: Ultimate

• Ranged Attack Only
• Ranged and Melee Attack

I remember his first appearance-well, they're all about the same, so it's not too hard. I'm standing in a large crowd, right? And apparently some woman on a cell phone was a major threat. I had no idea, but that triggered the protector spell, and suddenly this large, winged beast comes flying out of the ground. "I AM KYREX, LORD OF THE DAMNED! GET AWAY FROM MY LIEGE OR SUFFER MY WRATH!" He yells that every time. It got old after two times. Well, the cell phone lady and the crowd didn't get away from the liege fast enough, or so he thought, and BAM! Dark magic flies from his hands and starts blasting them all. Now, these guys are just citizens, mind you, I'm still in a ten year old's mindset, and I'm crying in terror. Then he's bowing before me. "ALL PRAISE TO ELIAS MCDONNEL, MY HUMBLE LORD!" Now, that REALLY creeped me out. So then some heroes come to stop him, and they figure out from his "I AM KYREX BLAH BLAH BLAH" speech that I'm his "leader," and start trying to kill me. I dodged until I realized the stupid spells were passing through me. Then they died. I hate the killing. I mean, I'm used to it, I don't freak out anymore, but basically I'm letting other people get to Heaven and Hell before me. That sucks. I tried to explain things to Kyrex- y'know, the whole "I'm a ghost, they can't harm me" bit? Well, either Lord of the Damned is not a very high-up title, or Hell's leading demons are a few crayons short of a box-namely the ones they ate with a side of glue in kindergarten. "NONSENSE! I SHALL SAVE YOU!" Gah, if I had a sicker sense of humor, I'd find this funny. However, with Lord of the Stupid killing things left and right, I really can't.

"I SUMMON THEE!"

     Fire: Standard

• Weakness: Limited Uses - One Use
• Weakness: Not usable in terrain - Lava Cliffs

Kyrex...man is he dumb. Apparently, he sometimes wants to use other tactics. He actually thinks that there are better ways to kill things that to, I dunno, kill them with his dark magic and large claws and dropping them from heights? Actually, the heights one IS hilarious...but I digress. So, just once or so per "INSIDIOUS MONGREL" as he calls them, he yells out "I SUMMON THEE, OH FIRES OF HELL!" and boom-his body's on fire. Personally, though, I expected the fires of Hell to be a little hotter. Once, I think, a paperboy got a nasty sunburn from him doing that, but that's about it. At best, it's a stun, and a sucky one compared to slamming them face-first through the ground. And he never uses it in volcanic areas. Probably because they put his piddly little fire to shame.